Monday, February 28

11:50 am
My Suite

Fun night off.  Even if I'm in trouble.

Flew up to Boston this morning.  Great show last night in DC, crowd was full of energy.  I really would have liked to go longer but knew I couldn't. (Now that's not something I say often, heh heh.)  With four big shows in the next five days I gotta save the chords.  Especially since I get fired up in Boston and Philly.

But it was fun.  The band was tight, everybody was having a good time.  Richie in particular was in another world.  That new spin he and Davey worked up for Lay Your Hands was a-fuckin'-mazing.  Hallelujah, Brother Richie! Ha ha.

Cate had to fly home on the red-eye this morning; she had a meeting at 10 am she couldn't miss.  Hated to kiss her goodbye but at least I'll see her tomorrow night.  Back in my own bed for a few more days.  Cate's taking Wednesday and Thursday off for the Philly show, going out to the Jersey house after she gets off work on Tuesday.  We're going wheels up as soon as the show's over, I'll be crawling into bed with my wife around 2 am Wednesday morning.

Nice way to kick off my birthday.

Had a little early celebration tonight, with an old Buddy.  Once we got settled at the hotel I headed over to Bill's house for dinner.  The minute I got there he shoved a beer in my hand and dragged me out by the pool to throw a couple big-ass steaks on the grill.  Nothing like grilling in Boston in February, ha ha.

Had a great time catching up, talking football and music and families and all kinds of stuff.  After I snarfed down what had to be at least half a cow and a baked potato as big as my head we lumbered into Bill's Man-Cave to have a cigar and a nice glass of brandy and watch some hockey.

I was feeling nice and toasty in my red meat-and-booze coma, doing a little off-the-record debate about the NFL players' contract negotiations when my phone buzzed.  It was Dorothea.  And she was NOT happy.  Her text was short, sweet, and to the point:  "Call Me NOW."

There was a picture attached to the message -- of the Chuckleheads, looking very guilty and very colorful.  The were dressed up in their old Halloween GI Joe costumes, and they had some sort of shit all over their faces.

Apparently that was the problem.

Well, having a nice buzz on and being stupid enough to take the bait, I immediately apologized to Bill and called Dorothea.  She wasted no time letting me know that she has had enough of MY youngest sons, who have been a complete pain in her ass all weekend long and who get their unusually sadistic wild streak from their Italian father.  Then she ordered me to talk to Jacob and Romeo on speakerphone, so they could tell me what they'd done and I could respond appropriately.

I heard her click the phone over to speaker, and in my best stern Dad voice I said "Boys, your mother tells me you've been giving her some trouble.  What did you do?"

I about busted a gut when Romeo explained, very simply and patiently, that he and Jakey wanted to play GI Joe.  So they got out their uniforms, built a couple forts in their rooms and in the living room, and tried to hide.  But they couldn't hide well enough because the bad guys kept finding them.  So they needed "that face paint that makes you invisible."

And where do you find face paint that makes you invisible?  Why, in your mother's makeup case, of course.

Sure enough, Jake and Romeo got into Dorothea's makeup bag and covered their faces and hands with her fifty-dollar-a-tiny-jar little pots of eyeshadow and blush.  And they drew all kinds of designs on each other with her eyeliner wands.  Then they fled the scene of the crime, apparently leaving her bathroom looking like the remains of a bombed-out al-Quaida training camp.

I just couldn't help myself.  The image in my brain of the boys painting each other up with D's makeup was just too much.  I laughed so hard I could hardly talk.  Bill asked me what was so fucking funny and I very quickly summed up the story for him, and he started in.  That made me laugh harder.

Yeah, Dorothea was not amused.  I apparently was supposed to chew the boys' asses and dole out some sort of disciplinary wisdom, but I couldn't do it.  I was laughing my ass off because not only was the story funny as hell the way Romeo told it, but because I thought it was pretty damned ingenious of them to cammo up with Dorothea's warpaint.

And Holy Shit, did that get me into trouble.  I'm busting a gut, puffing on my cigar and grinning at Bill, when all of a sudden all I hear is Dorothea's voice in my ear, using my full given name.  "John Francis Bongiovi, YOUR sons have been absolute fucking Holy Terrors all weekend and YOU are LAUGHING?"

Yeah, she took the boys off speakerphone to rip me a new one because I couldn't help myself.  I know, I know, the boys were little Hellions all weekend long and Dorothea was at her wits' end and I should have backed her up, but this was too damned funny.

My sons' mother proceeded to cuss me up and down and accuse me of contributing all the Stupid Chromosomes to my two offspring, because they act just like me, stubborn, impulsive, and most of the time without a damned brain in their heads.

Um, yeah. They're BOYS.

Anyway, now I'm in the doghouse with Dorothea because my laughing at Jake and Romeo just wound them up even more, and now she's gotta be the bad guy discipline-wise.  I realize it's really not fair and I apologized   about a hundred times to her for putting her in such a predicament, but what's done can't be undone.

And it was her makeup, after all.

Damn, it's times like these that being on the road is a sweet deal.  If I was home I would have had to go over there or D could have just dumped the Chuckleheads on my doorstep and said "Here, YOU take 'em."

But instead I got to stay and enjoy my brandy and cigar, heh heh.

I'll make it right tomorrow, I swear.  Tonight's my night off.

Sunday, February 27

11:55 pm
Hotel

Good morning world.  It's a beautiful day in our Nation's Capital.  Sun is shining, birds are singing...

I got laid last night.  Heh heh.

Just came back from a long run with Cate.  Went along the National Mall, down around the Tidal Basin and Jefferson Memorial, out to Hains Point.  Gorgeous day for a run.  Gorgeous running partner in my wife.  It was nice to be out with her instead of Dean for once.  Hope he's not jealous, ha ha.

Cate really treated me well last night.  She was so cute, I could tell from her smile how pleased she was with herself, the little surprise she set up for me.  She's really something else, that wife of mine.  I forget sometimes how wired in she is in this City.  And it's all about who you know in DC.

It's good to know all the cops, heh heh.

We started off at Sequoia, a great five-star place on the Potomac.  Cate pulled a few strings to get us a private table on the second floor, with a spectacular view out over the river and across the city.  Had a wonderful dinner, great wine, a little dancing.  Nobody else in the whole room but Cate and I and our waiter and the Manager who stopped by to be sure everything was up to par.

After our meal Cate took me down this little back spiral staircase into the wine cellar.  Holy Crap, THAT was a cellar.  I want one like that.  It was beautiful, stone walls, racks and racks and racks of bottles.  And a little candlelit private tasting table.  We had a fabulous glass of port for dessert.  And a little foreplay, heh heh.

Then Cate did something I totally didn't expect.  She led me back upstairs, we got our coats, and went out for the car.  Only it wasn't a car.  It was a full stretch limo.  She just smirked when I asked her what the Hell was going on and climbed in.

I followed her in and sat back and just looked at her.  She giggled and told the driver we were ready.  Then she raised the privacy partition and sidled up next to me and purred in my ear, "So, have you ever seen the Monuments at night?"  I went hard in an instant, knew exactly what she was talking about.  It was like that hot scene from that Kevin Costner movie, No Way Out.  Cate loves that movie.  And she planned out for us to re-enact that scene.

And we did, heh heh.  I had her out of her panties in about two seconds flat, straddling my lap.  When we circled the Washington Monument we both laughed because that's pretty much what Superman felt like -- 600 feet tall and made of marble, ha ha.

We drove around for a good hour, circling the sights in Washington but not really seeing them.  We only had eyes for each other.

By the time the driver dropped us back at the Ritz I was completely relaxed and grinning ear to ear.  Then we went up to our suite and did it all again.

I was tired this morning.  So was Cate.  But we're both invigorated after our run.  The monuments are pretty by day, but they're spectacular at night.  Heh heh.

Gonna be a good night tonight.

Saturday, February 26

8:15 pm
Hotel

Sitting here watching Cate get dressed up to go out.  She's taking me out to one of her favorite places tonight.  Someplace one of her Secret Service pals turned her on to a few years ago.  Someplace she guarantees we won't be noticed or bothered.

That's a good thing.  Usually when I come to DC I don't really get bothered, but the whole time I feel like I'm being stalked.  This city is so full of self-important people who like to have information but not share it.

I'm sure I'll show up in the gossip column tomorrow morning, though.  Every time I order a damned fish sandwich in the hotel restaurant it makes the fucking Washington Post.

But I'm intrigued about this place of Cate's.  She won't tell me where it is or even what kind of place it is.  She just told me to wear a jacket, and she's actually putting on a dress.  Must be pretty nice. Wearing a dress is not something my wife does often, ha ha.

But she looks gorgeous.  The dress is new; she must have gotten it when I was up in Canada because I don't remember seeing it in her closet before.  It's a sexy little black halter number, backless, with a kind of flowy skirt.

And she's wearing the first piece of jewelry I ever gave her.  That sterling Maltese cross that was mine, the one I gave her a couple days after we met at the Center.  Every time I see it around her neck it just warms my heart.

I'm so glad she came with me.  I'm looking forward to a night out on the town with my lovely wife, acting like a normal married couple.  Maybe we'll be able to find a dark corner somewhere and have a little romantic interlude.

I like that idea.  A lot.

Friday, February 25

7:30 am
Kitchen

Up with Cate, ready to take her to the Doc.

She's finishing up in the bathroom while I'm trying to choke down some eggs and toast.  I have no appetite but I gotta eat something or I'll be queasy all morning.

I'll be so relieved when this is all over.  It's gonna kill me to sit there in that exam room with her and watch what's happening.  But I want to do it, to be there for her.

Maybe looking her Doc in the eye and hearing it from her lips that this is just a precaution will make me stop worrying.  God, I hope so.  We're not gonna have the test results until next week at the earliest.  It's gonna be the longest damned week of my life.

But I'm trying to stay positive, for Cate.

She'll be fine.  Everything will be fine.

Faith.

11:50 am
Living Room

Home from Cate's appointment.  I feel a lot better now that it's over.  Of course we don't have any definitive answers yet but just being able to talk to Cate's Doc helped me a lot.  I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my chest, like I can breathe again.

Of course there's still that little dark cloud hanging out there, until we get the biopsy results back.

Cate's Doc was great.  Cool lady, great bedside manner.  She immediately put me at ease.  Then again, how could you not feel comfortable with a Doctor named "Jane Seuss."  Cate's Gyno is Dr. Seuss.  Man, that conjures up all kinds of not-for-kid rhymes, ha ha.

But she was awesome.  I see why Cate thinks the world of her.  She was very cheerful and upbeat but didn't make light of the situation.  When she came into the room we shook hands and chatted a little bit, then she left for Cate to get ready for the exam.  It was weird for me... I was actually a little uncomfortable watching Cate undress and get into that gown thingie.  I think this may be the only time I actually averted my eyes when my wife took her clothes off.  Usually I'm leering at her and Superman's taking notice.

Then again, I don't think I could have gotten a hard-on in that room if Cate had been on her knees blowing me.  It was all too serious, too many scary-looking instruments that looked more like torture devices than medical tools.

It's not like I don't have any idea what goes on in an OB/GYN's office.  Hell, I've fathered 4 kids.  I used to go to appointments with Dorothea all the time.  But except for watching our kids be born I usually sat in the waiting room with all the other freaked-out guys.  Sometimes you don't want to know what goes on back behind those waiting room doors.

But I had to be with Cate this time.  I wanted to hold her hand, to be there just in case she did get worried or scared.  Of course she was fine but I'm glad I was there just the same.

It surprised me how fast this procedure went.  The whole thing took less than 10 minutes.  I didn't want to see what was going on down there under that drape, so I just focused on Cate's face.  It was obviously a little uncomfortable -- she winced a couple times -- but she stayed calm.  I must have looked distressed because she gave me this cute little apologetic smile and squeezed my hand and said "Hang in there, Baby -- almost done."

Apparently I'm a Wuss.

Anyway, Dr. Seuss said the procedure went great, everything looks normal.  She has no reason to believe the biopsy will return negative results.  If that's the case Cate's abnormal Paps are nothing to worry about.  Apparently sometimes that happens, especially with older women.

I just want to make it clear, should anyone find this journal as "evidence,"  that I am NOT the one who called my wife an "older woman."  That was ALL Dr. Seuss.

After Cate got dressed we went into Dr. Seuss' office and talked with her for a little bit.  I think Cate asked her to do that, for my sake.  As soon as we sat down Doc looked right at me and said "So, Jon.  What questions can I answer for you?"  That kinda surprised me, tongue-tied me for a minute.  Then I asked her how long until we get the test results, what happens next, etc.  She was very patient and understanding with my obvious anxiety. Best of all, she told me her office uses a lab in the same building so it shouldn't be more than a few days until we have results.

Then she congratulated me on our decision to try to have baby.  That made me smile.  We talked a little about fertility in women over 40 and in men who have vasectomy reversal, and she answered a couple questions for me about that.  She knows the Urologist my Doc referred me to, said he's one of the best in the City.  I told her I can't wait to get the procedure done so we can start trying to get pregnant.

Dr. Seuss chuckled at that, and she made Cate giggle when she said I'll have the worst end of the deal, walking around with a bag of frozen peas strapped to my crotch for a couple days.  Then she warned me not to complain--Cate will have it far worse carrying around the kid for almost 10 months.  I had to agree whole-heartedly there.  I've seen it with my own eyes.  Morning sickness ain't pretty.  And labor is why men can't bear children -- we'd pass out and die at the first contraction.  Ugh.

So we rolled out of the Doc's office both feeling a lot better.  Well, I did, anyway.  Cate's understandably a little uncomfortable after her procedure.  She took some Motrin and went to lie down with a heating pad for awhile, so she feels better for tonight.  Think I'll run out to the deli and get her some lunch.  After what she's gone through this morning the last thing she needs is to be subjected to my cooking.

Now I'm just trying to stay optimistic that next week will bring good news.

Thursday, February 24

10:15 am
My Office

Another day in the salt mines.  First show at the Garden tonight.  But first I have to play businessman and get a bunch of boring shit done.

Yesterday was like a nightmare.  I felt like I was wandering around in a fog, not even existing in my own life.  I was so overwhelmed with worry and fear and anger over what's happening with Cate.  I don't even really remember shooting the scenes I did; they're probably shit.  Guess we'll find out what kind of actor I am, huh?

Bet we have to re-shoot them.  I ain't that good.

Today is much better, thanks to Cate.  She always knows just what I need, how to pull me out of my tailspin when I get all wound up like that.  Last night I just needed to talk.  A lot, apparently.

I came home in a foul mood after a long day on the set.  Cate was already home from work, waiting for me.  I walked into the kitchen and she was cooking, making chicken saltimbocca.  My favorite of all her recipes.  She had her laptop sitting open on the island and a glass of wine next to it.  She gave me a long kiss and told me to sit down, have a drink, and read.

I did what I was told.   God bless my wife, she had the Mayo Clinic site pulled up, with a bunch of detailed information about the colposcopy procedure she's having tomorrow.  The first line made me breathe a little easier:  "The majority of abnormal Pap smears are not caused by cervical cancer."  I must have sighed with relief because Cate looked over at me and gave me a little smile.  Then she left me alone, did her cooking while I clicked and read.

Over dinner we talked about her test.  Cate finally admitted she freaked out a little when her Gyno told her she wanted to do a biopsy, but she said her "cop-brain" took over and she started gathering the facts.  After talking to her Doc and doing her own independent research she's completely convinced there's nothing seriously wrong -- probably just some sort of infection or something.  Or even just a series of false positives.

But she also admitted she's a little worried.  Not that she might have cancer, but that this might be a sign that it's going to be hard for her to get pregnant.  She's excited about starting a family, but more than that she knows how much I want to have another child.  She said she doesn't want to disappoint me.

That made me feel so guilty.  My wife, who finally embraced the idea that she wants to be a mother, doesn't want to disappoint me.  I didn't quite know what to say to that, other than to tell her she could never disappoint me.  Even if she decided she didn't want to have a baby, I will always love and worship her.  She's my soul mate, a part of me.

She can read me so well, my wife.  She just gave me this long look and very quietly said "Baby, what else?"  I said "What do you mean?" but I knew exactly what she was talking about.  And she called me on it, told me to spill it.

I spent a lot of time worrying about Cate yesterday, but the more I thought about the worst-case scenario, the deeper I got into my own issues.  When I thought about canceling shows, or even the rest of the tour... well, I was actually a little hopeful.  NOT hopeful that my wife had cancer so I'd have a reason to do it -- GOD, not that.  But the idea of not having to slog through dozens more shows and live my life in hotels and planes and concert halls was just so appealing to me.

I'm tired.  I'm worn down from the grind.  In my heart I want to be home.

But I'm afraid of that, too.

For the past few months I've been waking up at night, wondering what the hell I'm gonna do with myself once this tour ends.  That's never happened to me before.  I've always had the future mapped out with projects -- films, Foundation work, solo stuff, collaborations, producing, whatever...  Not this time.  Yeah, I've made noise about doing a solo record, but I honestly don't have anything planned out yet.

All along I've been telling myself I'm just going to take a year off to spend time with my family -- my wife, my kids, my parents.  Steph's going off to college this fall, a grown woman.  I need to figure that out.  And now Cate and I are going to have a baby.  That has me so damned excited I can't even explain it.  I was excited about all of Dorothea's pregnancies, but this time it's different.  It's with Cate.  And this time I can really be there, through it all.

God knows I don't have anything else planned out.

My poor wife.  I feel bad dumping all my baggage on Cate, especially with what she's facing.  It started out as a conversation about a very specific thing -- her biopsy -- and somehow turned into this huge two-hour-long confession about how I think I'm in heading into of some kind of midlife crisis.

By the time I got through all this dinner and a bottle of wine were done and the candles were almost burned out.  We cleaned up the kitchen, then Cate led me into the bathroom.  We drew a bath and spent an hour in the tub together, cuddling and talking and listening to music.  I felt a lot better when we finally got out and crawled into bed together.

Cate's gonna be a fantastic mother.  She certainly knows how to soothe me.  And I'm way more high-maintenance than any baby could ever be, ha ha.

This morning she was up and out early.  She let me sleep and left a note for me on her pillow.  She wanted to get in to the office early and get her hours in so she can take off this afternoon and come to soundcheck.  She's done for the week after today--tomorrow she took the day off for her gyno appointment and the show.

A bunch of folks from her office are coming to see us at the Garden tomorrow night, so she's playing hostess. God knows she hit me up for enough Friends and Family tickets, ha ha.  But I'm glad to do it.  Least I can do for Cate's colleagues and their families is show them a good time on a Friday night.  In their line of work it ain't often husbands and wives get to spend a night out together.  I'm gonna make damned sure this one's a good one.

Well, enough blabbering.  Gotta get this shit done so I can head over to the Garden.

And I'm hungry.  Wonder if Cate took that leftover chicken for her lunch?

Wednesday, February 23

7:15 am
Bed

I prayed last night.

Really prayed, for the first time in a long time.  Got out the rosary and got down on my knees beside the bed where my wife was sleeping.  And I prayed as hard as I could to God to let her be okay.  I promised I'll do everything in my power to be a better husband, a better man.  Whatever it takes.

Just let her be okay.

Then I wiped my eyes and crawled back in bed and held her tight.


12:30 pm
My Trailer

Back on the set today.  God knows this is the last place I want to be right now.  Having a hell of a time focusing.  How the hell am I supposed to be sweet and romantic when I feel like this?

I know I promised I'd try not to dwell but I can't stop thinking about Cate, worrying about her health.  I realized this morning that when I got all spun up over her going to the Gyno back before Christmas, I was right.  There was something wrong.  It's not like Cate was trying to hide it from me... she didn't know.   But I knew in my gut it wasn't good.

Cate called me this morning to check in, see how I'm doing.  She's worried about me.  She tried again to reassure me everything's gonna be okay.  I want to believe her, but I just can't stop myself.  I love her so much, I can't imagine how I'd go on if I lost her.  It's a miracle that I found her in the first place.

Christ, that sounds selfish... I - I - I.  All I can think of is how terrible I feel.  If something's really wrong Cate's going to be the one who will have to go through it.  It will hurt me to watch, but she'll have to endure.  And I'm sure as hell not going to let her do it alone.

If I have to I'll cancel part of the tour, make up the dates later.  Maybe.  Or maybe I'll just say fuck the promoters and the record company sharks and pay them off.  Not like I'd be doing anybody any favors trying to stay out on the road if Cate has to go through treatment.  I'd be worse than bad.  Our shows would be a joke.  Nobody would ever want to pay to see us play again.

Cate says she's fine but I know she has to be at least a little bit worried, a little bit scared.  My God, we just finally decided to try to have a baby together, and now it seems like that may not even be a possibility.  She went in to talk to her Gyno about getting pregnant and came out with an appointment for a biopsy.  Jesus... talk about an unexpected twist.

But Cate's not like she usually is when something's bothering her, all quiet and pensive and kinda distant.  She seems normal.  Hell, this morning she was up smiling and singing along with her iPod while she got ready for work.  I felt like I was getting dressed up to go to the gallows.

When she called earlier I was whining on about not being able to focus, bitching about how I'm supposed to get into my romantic character.  She laughed at me and said "DUH!  It's called acting!"

She's obviously her normal self.  I think that's what's unsettling me the most.  I'm freaking out and she's not.

How the hell am I gonna survive until Friday?  And how much longer after that will we have to wait until she gets the biopsy results back?  It's not like they can just pull out a tissue sample, hold it up to the light and say "Ah, looks good--no Cancer here."

I can't even think about the other possibility.

I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna deal with this.  Christ, I'm spinning myself up again, sitting here in my tin can with too much time to think.  At least I'll be busy with the shows the next few days, but when I go back on the road... God, I hope we know before I have to go back out.

And I pray that it's good news.

Crap -- just got the five-minute knock on my door.  Somehow I have to get my head into this script and fucking focus.  I want to get this shit done so I can get out of here and go home to Cate.

Tuesday, Februrary 22

2:20 am
Bed

Home feels good.

Flew straight in from the show.  Couldn't wait to feel the plane's wheels touch down in Jersey.  All I've wanted to do since this afternoon is get through the show so we could fly home.  So I could walk in my front door and crawl in bed with my wife and get a nice, sweet Welcome Home.

It kinda worked out that way.  Not quite like I planned, but just fine.

Had a ball with Jess this weekend, now he's snoring away in his room down the hall.  Cate picked up his clothes and school stuff from Dorothea today and brought it over here.  She's much better about thinking of shit like that than I am -- I just assumed I'd drop Jess off at his mother's at 1 am.  Didn't think twice about that until Cate texted me this evening before the show, that she had everything taken care of.  So after we landed Jess just came home with me.

At least he's actually sleeping in that room this time, ha ha.  Gonna be a bitch to get him up and off to school in the morning, but somehow I'll manage.  I hope.

As for my welcome home, Cate was very happy to see me.  She always wakes up when I come in, no matter what time it is.  Must be those cop Spidey-senses.  She can be in a dead sleep and BAM!  She's awake the second she hears the key in the lock.  It's like she has some kind of internal alarm.

Not that I'm complaining.  I barely had the bedroom door closed when she ordered me to strip and get into bed.  She was already naked and warmed up and waiting for me.  We had to be quiet with Jess still wandering around the house -- I could hear him raiding the fridge -- but that just made it that much sexier.

My wife definitely has skills, ha ha.  And she didn't waste any time, either.  She had her way with me, said "Welcome home, Baby," then curled up and went to sleep.  I swear she's purring in her slumber, she has a contented little smile on those pretty lips.  And I'm sitting here scribbling in my book, not ready to turn out the light yet.

Jeez, I kinda feel.... used.

I like it.  Heh heh.


9:45 pm
Home

I feel like the sky is falling.  Like all the happy dreams I've had lately are being ripped away.  And there's not a single damned thing I can do about it.

I don't know how Cate's being so calm about this.  She says she's not worried, but I'm fucking scared to death.  She's known for a few days, but didn't want to tell me when I was on the road.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I feel like she should have told me the minute she found out, but I'm also glad she didn't because I would have wanted to haul ass to the airport and get home immediately even though there's nothing I can do.

Probably better she didn't tell me before now, for both our sakes.  I'm sure I would have driven her crazy.  Hell, I'm sure I'm driving her crazy NOW.  But I can't help it.

Cate took me out for dinner tonight.  I picked her up from the office and we went to one of my favorite places, that quiet little bistro off Bleeker.  I should have known something was up.  She was so quiet and gentle, just kept holding my hand and giving me this kinda sad, almost apologetic smile.  She knew I wasn't going to take this well, so she tried to do it easy.

We sat down side by side in the booth, ordered our drinks and meals, then she turned and gave me a long look and dropped the news.

She had another abnormal Pap result.  She's having a cervical biopsy Friday morning.

I swear, my heart just jumped into my throat and my brain shut down when I heard the word "biopsy."  That's what they do when they think people have Cancer.

My wife may have Cancer.

I must have gone white as a ghost because Cate looked really worried.   But she knows me.  She was holding my hand and just kept stroking her fingertips over my arm like she does, trying to soothe me.  She didn't say anything else until after I spoke.  She knew I needed to be ready to listen.

When she did finally explain, she had to tell me everything at least 3 times for me to get it through my thick skull.  That was after I started breathing again.  She was so calm, so matter-of-fact.  Hell, she still is.  She's acting like this is just another routine blood test or something.  Jesus, HOW can she be so calm?

Cate told me her Doc assured her she has observed no abnormalities or signs of Cancer in her physical exams.  She tried to make me smile by saying she has a "perfect pussy."  I didn't find that funny at all -- or a relief.    When Cate saw I wasn't receptive to her humor, she very gently and seriously reassured me hasn't had any symptoms at all.  No pain or unusual bleeding or anything like that... her periods have been regular as a Swiss watch.  She said she feels absolutely fine.

Apparently Cate's Doc is doing this merely as a precaution, because she's a little concerned that Cate has now had 3 abnormal Pap tests in a row, inside a year.  If she does have anything wrong... like Cancer.... it's in the very early stages and is very treatable.

My wife may have Cancer.  God, I can't believe I'm thinking that.

And even worse, I feel like a total Shit because the second she told me, the thought that flashed through my head was "But we're gonna have a Baby."  What kind of selfish fucking Prick thinks about how his own dream of having another kid may not happen when his wife tells him she may have Cancer?

I'm such an Asshole.

But my strong, logical, Cop Wife doesn't see it that way.  She could read my mind, I swear.  She gave me a little smile and laid her hand on my cheek and said she sees this little procedure as just a speed bump in the road on the way to us becoming a family.

I watched her eyes as she was explaining all this to me, while I was trying not to lose my fucking mind.  She honestly believes every word she was saying to me, that she's fine, that it's all going to be just fine.  No sadness, no spark of fear in her gaze whatsoever.  It's like she refuses to think about what this could mean.

I couldn't help myself.  I asked her why she was being so calm, why she wasn't upset or scared or angry or  something.  She just kinda sighed and gave me a little smile and rubbed my arm and squeezed my hand.  Then she reminded me that she has dodged bullets and fought hand-to-hand with bad guys.  That she survived being shot.  And she's still here.  She really does believe her Doc, that this is just a precautionary procedure.

I asked her how she could be so sure.

"I'm not, Baby," she said.  "I just have Faith."

The way she said it, so quietly but so confidently, it somehow calmed me down.  It's like if she doesn't believe it can happen, it won't.  Hell, she almost makes me believe.

I'm usually the one getting through by sheer force of will.  I guess we really are alike, my Wife and I.

So Friday morning I'm driving Cate to her Gyno's office and I'm going to sit there and hold her hand through the whole damned procedure.  She didn't even argue with me.  I know she doesn't need me there, she can do it just fine alone.  But she knows I need to be there.  That's why she waited for me to get home to tell me, and why she scheduled the procedure for when I can go with her.  That's my Cate, thinking of me first, before herself.

The way she explained it this colposcopy thing is kinda like a colonoscopy but quicker and practically painless.  She won't even need a sedative or anesthesia.  It's like a pelvic exam with a camera.  And I guess they do the biopsy while they're in there looking around. I'm sure it won't exactly be comfortable for Cate, laying there with her legs up in the stirrups with me watching.  But it won't be like I'm down there over the Doc's shoulder.  I'm gonna be looking into her eyes the whole time, telling her I love her.

For over an hour we talked about this, me asking the same questions over and over and her patiently answering them over and over.  We hardly ate -- my appetite disappeared the second she said the word "biopsy."  But she made me have some wine and a few bites of my chicken and told me to try to relax.  Two and a half glasses of wine later I was calmed down some, but I still feel like I was punched in the gut.

Cate told me she wasn't going to make me promise not to worry because she knows that's a promise I can't keep.  But I did vow to try not to dwell on this.  Try.  That's all I can do.  God knows that will be hard enough.

At least I'll be home with her for the next few days, not floating around from city to city and show to show.  We have the Garden Thursday and Friday night, then Saturday off before we head down to DC.  Cate's coming with me to all 3 shows.   Assuming she feels up to it, anyway.

I have a feeling it's more to keep an eye on me than it is for her to enjoy the shows.

Anyway, I promised to try not to worry, so that's what I'm doing.  Trying.  When she comes back in here from her shower I'm gonna wrap my arms around her and hold her and not say anything more about it, unless she wants to talk.

I just have to have Faith.

Monday, February 21

10:45 am
My Room

Cate just called me, all excited.  Apparently we're going to Vegas.  Not sure exactly when, but she said my presence is Mandatory.  With a capital "M".

Danny's getting married.  Popped the question to Charity last night, on her birthday.

Holy Shit.  Never thought I'd see that day, ha ha.

But it's awesome.

Sunday, February 20

11:45 pm
My Room

I have such an awesome kid.

Don't know how I managed it since it seems like I was never home when he was growing up, but my Son is one helluva young man.  Guess Dorothea gets all the credit, she's done a great job raising him.  But there's no doubt he's My Boy.

Flew down to Raleigh today with Jess in tow.  He doesn't have school tomorrow because of the holiday so we get to spend 3 days together instead of 2.  He's having a blast, but I think I'm enjoying it even more.

Got here this morning, got settled into the hotel then started looking around for things to do.  We were gonna just hang out and watch the NBA All-Star Game on TV, but I just didn't think that was enough.  Wanted to do something more with Jesse than just sit in our room or some hotel bar.

Matt talked to the concierge and found out Duke was playing Georgia Tech over in Durham.  Big-time college hoops sounded like fun, so Jesse and I and Matt and Richie and Davey and Dean all piled in a van and headed over to campus.  Got nosebleed last-minute seats but had a blast.  It was a complete rout; Duke kicked the crap out of GA Tech 79-57 but it was a fun game just the same.

Jesse was quite the Man.  Since we were way up in the rafters nobody really bothered us, but a few cute co-eds recognized me and Richie.  After a few beers a couple of them were bold enough to come over and invite us to their Sorority House for a post-game party.  Of course we very graciously declined -- the last place a bunch of old Geezers like us need to be spotted is on Sorority Row with a bunch of girls just a couple years older than my daughter.

Jess was all for going to party with them, though, ha ha.  Actually, so was Richie.  Yeah, like I'm gonna turn him loose on a college campus.

There was a cute little redhead who had eyes for Jess, and he definitely had his sights on her.  We old farts sat back and grinned and watched them flirt.  I've said it before and I'll say it again.... damn, that kid of mine is smooth.  He was all Mister Cool and aloof, but he made that girl feel like she was the only one in the room.  She had no idea he was only 16, and just barely that.  Christ, after about 15 minutes it was obvious she was ready to drag him into the ladies' room and blow him until he passed out.

When Jess finally does go to college in a few years, he's gonna have no problem finding dates.  Hell, he doesn't now.

Gotta admit, I was pretty proud of my kid.  Nice to see he's carrying on the family tradition, heh heh.  I just hope he's not as stupid as I was at his age, and he treats his girls with more respect.  Seems to be so far so good, though.

Jesse is so much more worldly and mature than I was at 16.  My whole life revolved around the shore and the clubs and my band.  He's traveled the world three times over and does volunteer work with homeless families.  I have no doubt he'll grow up to be a much, much better man than I am.

And that will be my proudest accomplishment.

So after the game we dragged my horny son away from the Siren Sisters of Kappa-Sigma-Whatever and came back to the hotel and watched the end of the All-Star Game.  In honor of his birthday weekend I even let Jess have a beer.  Just one--can't be too permissive a Dad, after all.  But I am a cool one, ha ha.

I'm so glad Jesse came to spend his birthday weekend with me.  I wasn't sure Dorothea was gonna be on board with my idea -- he's her Baby Boy too, after all.  Then again, she has two more at home just like him, ha ha.   Actually, that's not true... Jesse is a saint in comparison to those two Chuckleheads.  Which kinda scares me.

All kidding aside, though -- I think D knew how much it meant to me, as well as to Jesse, that we could spend his 16th birthday together.  Maybe it's some kind of stupid Italian Rites of Manhood thing, but I just felt like I needed to be with my son this birthday.  I'm glad he felt the same.

So tomorrow night we'll be headed back home on the red-eye after the show, then it's back to normal high school life for Mr. Cool.  Don't know if he's ready for that, but I sure as the hell am.

One more show until I'm back home in my own house with my wife and humdrum married life.  We're at the Garden later this week, then just a hop, skip, and a jump for the next few shows.  I get a few nights a week in my own bed.

Can't wait.

Saturday, February 19

5:50 pm
Venue

My Boy's 16 today.  Seems like just yesterday I was giving him piggyback rides and bouncing him on my knee.  Now he's almost a Man.

Well, in some ways I guess he already is, ha ha.

I've missed a lot of birthdays over the years, but for some reason I really didn't want to miss this one.  I gave Steph a Sweet 16 party, but you can't exactly do that for boys.  But I really didn't want to be away from Jess today, just felt like this was one of those days he would look back on someday and say "Man, I wish Dad was there."

So I decided to do something about it.  I bought him a first-class plane ticket to Montreal so he could spend the weekend with us.  When I told him yesterday he was coming to hang with the band for the weekend, I don't know who was more excited, me or Jess.  Think it might have been me.

Picked him up at the airport this morning.  There's a big festival going on at the Old Port, so we went down to check it out.  It was cold as hell and kinda cloudy so we didn't spend much time outdoors.  Thought about ice skating but I figured I'd bust my ass or break a hip or something, which wouldn't be good before the show, ha ha.

So we found a coffee shop and sat and had hot chocolate and eclairs and just talked.  I told Jess I was glad he came up to spend the weekend with us and that I just can't believe he's almost grown up.  I also apologized for all the birthdays I've missed over the years.  He was his typical laid-back self, just said "it's okay, Dad.  I know you wanted to be there."

That made me feel even more guilty, even though I know he didn't mean it that way.

Anyway, he was in a chatty mood so we talked about all kinds of stuff.  School, sports, cars, TV... and of course girls.  He was a little shy on that subject but he warmed up a little once we got rolling.  I tried not to ask too many questions, 'cause I didn't want Jess to think I was interrogating him.  But we did get back onto the topic of sex a little bit.

He's still seeing Steph's friend, and from the way it sounds they've had at least one booty call since I busted them a couple weeks ago.  Not exactly a big shock to me, but I didn't say so.  What surprised me was that Jess said Steph doesn't know he's sneaking around with her friend.  I had to kinda bite back a laugh at that, and I told him he better hope his sister doesn't find out.  She'd have him by the balls, especially if he doesn't want his mother to know what's going on.  He completely agreed.

It was a true father-son bonding moment, ha ha.

Anyway, after coffee we decided to hike over to the Science Center.  Jess loves museums; when we go down to DC the first place he wants to go is the Smithsonian.  We walked in the front door and stepped up to the kiosk to buy our tickets, and I about choked.  The Temporary Special Exhibition:  "Sex: A Special Exhibition."  I turned around and looked at Jess and his eyes were big as saucers.  Then he turned beet red.

Holy Christ, that couldn't have been funnier if I had planned it.

So we went in and wandered around, looking at all the displays on technology and computers and space and stuff.  Then we found ourselves at the entrance to the sex exhibit.  I tried not to smirk and asked Jess if he wanted to check it out.  Well, by then the kid had recovered.  He just looked at me and said "Sure Dad... if you need to learn something we can go in."

Damned SmartAss Kid.  Just like his old man.

So I had to make him go in, ha ha.  It actually was a really well-done exhibit, geared toward teenagers.  It wasn't all that graphic, other than photos of boobs and penises and stuff.  Lots of  diagrams and 3D displays, and a bunch of interactive touch-screen stuff.  Gotta admit, I learned a few things, especially about girls.  Makes me really glad I'm not one, ha ha.

So after our little excursion through Sex-Land Jess and I checked out a little more of the museum then headed back out into the cold. There was a snowboarding exhibition going on in the park so we stood and watched that for awhile. Jess really dug the snowboarders, especially the girls, ha ha.  Man, those kids are amazing, the way they ride that half-pipe and do all those flips and twists and shit.  I never could do stuff like that, even if I wasn't old and decrepit.  I'm not coordinated enough.  I can't even dance, for fuck's sake.

After we froze our asses of for awhile we caught a cab back to the hotel and dumped Jesse's stuff in my room, then met up with Richie to go to lunch.  Found a great sports bar a couple blocks from the hotel and watched some basketball while we ate hot wings.  Of course I'm paying for that now, ha ha.  But it was damned good.

After lunch we headed over here to the Centre a little early so I could get Jess the nickel tour of the Canadiens facilities.  We went to the locker room, press room, suites, and to the Hall of Fame where they have all the Stanley Cup stuff.  It was really cool.

By the time we were done the rest of the guys had arrived for sound check, so I had to go to work.  We played Birthday for Jess during soundcheck, and Davey asked him if he had any requests.  SmartAss said he wanted to hear some Flo Rida.  Yeah, that didn't happen.  But we played some Stones for him -- Honky Tonk Women seemed pretty fitting, ha ha.

Now Jess is hanging with Uncle Mookie and the gang, chowing down at the catering table, while I'm trying to get my head in the game for the show.  It's hard tonight to make the transition from Dad to Frontman.  I'm enjoying Dad too much.

Thursday, February 17

10:20 pm
Home

Christ, what a long day.

Just got home.  Only ten but feels like 3 am.  Probably because I've been up and running since first light.

Okay, not quite that early.  Since 7:30, when Cate kissed me on her way out the door to work.  Sucks she had to go into the office today since tomorrow I'm back on the road.  But she has responsibilities.  Dammit.

Our flight leaves at some ridiculous hour in the morning, got a car coming to get me at 6 am.  All because of Richie's party tonight.  The one I showed up at, had my drink and made my congratulations, then dashed out of.  The one he'll probably leave to go straight to the airport, ha ha.

The last place I wanted to be on my night off was a Fashion Week afterparty, but I put in my appearance because it's for Richie.  He's doing so great with WTB, he's really been busting his ass with all the publicity and stuff.  I'm really proud of him.  Haven't seen him this grounded in awhile.  Not since back in the early days with Heather, right after Ava was born.

This is good for him.  And although I had my misgivings I think Nikki's been good for him too.  I don't see it turning into as-long-as-we-both-shall-live, but for now he's settled.  Richie's always been the Warren Beatty, the method actor who puts so much of his heart and soul into whatever project he's doing that he ultimately ends up involved with his leading lady.  It didn't surprise me when he and Nikki coupled up.  But for the first time in a long time he seems happy with who he is and where he is in life.  That's good to see after the hell he went through the last few years.

His show was fabulous.  Cate and I met Dorothea and Stephanie there, had front row seats.  Steph was so funny -- she loved every single outfit that came down that catwalk.  I swear, every damned one she turned and looked at me and said "Ooh! Daddy!"

Thank God I know the designer and can get them cheap, ha ha.

That's my girl.  She's off to college in the fall, gonna study design.  And I think she'll be good at it -- she so much more visually artistic and creative than I am.  I can write music and poetry but don't ask me to paint or draw or even pick out wallpaper samples.  God knows what happens when I try to even do music videos or album covers, ha ha.  I learned long ago to leave that to the experts.  But Steph -- she's a natural.  She'll do good.

And like every teenaged girl she loves fashion and pretty things.  Gets that from her Momma.

Okay, and maybe a little from me.  I liked pretty things when I was young too, ha ha.  Just look at the photos from 1985, for Christ's Sake.

Anyway, spent the whole day before the show checking things off my to-do list.  Finally got a call back from my Doc about my little procedure.  He said I don't need to do labs or blood work since I just had a physical, but he'd like me to see a urologist for counseling before I schedule the operation.  I assume "counseling" means the 20 questions about my erectile capabilities (which I think Doc still thinks I'm lying about) and another thorough ball-squeeze.  Fine.  If that's what I have to do to get this rolling, so be it.  I told him to refer me to the best Dick-Doc in the City and I'll do it the second I'm back.

I also finally talked to Cate about Jesse.  I picked her up from work and we had an early dinner before heading over to the show.  Was a little worried about how she'd take it -- not the details of Jesse's status, but the fact that I waited so long to tell her.  But she was fine.  She did kinda cringe a little when I mentioned it could have been her who walked in on my randy son and his little naked friend, but she was otherwise completely calm.  It was the cop training, I'm sure.  Sometimes I forget she's seen and dealt with so many awful things that something like a horny teenager banging his girlfriend isn't gonna faze her.  When Steph pulled the Runaway stunt she was cool and calm, even with Dorothea breathing down her neck and hurling insults.

It was later it got to her.  When she took off the cop armor and let herself be a woman again.

But I think she'll be fine with Jess.  I know she won't breathe a word to him, she'll just watch and evaluate his every move and word and thought, ha ha.  She'll know in a heartbeat if something's up with him, just from reading his cues.  It's like having my own personal profiler.  Sometimes I love her special "criminal minds" talents.

Except when she uses them on me.

But as for her other talents... there is a certain set of them that I like very, very much.  And since I'm leaving early tomorrow morning I'm gonna try to persuade her to practice them on me one more time before I go to sleep.  I have a feeling she'll oblige.  I can be very persuasive, after all.

And she's in the shower now, so what better time to practice my persuasive arts than the present?

Heh heh.

Wednesday, February 16

12:30 am
Headed Home

On the plane, Jersey-bound.  Can't wait to get home.

Cate's curled up with her head on my lap, fast asleep.  She's worn out, poor thing.  I kept her up most of the night, then with the excitement of the show... Good thing she doesn't have to go into the office tomorrow.  God bless technology so she can telework.

She was planning to fly home commercial in the morning.  She totally forgot that we were coming back for Richie's fashion show.  That's my Silly Girl.  After all this time she still doesn't get excited about all this movie star-rock star-fashion diva crap.  I swear, it's like she lives in a bubble sometimes.  A bubble full of cops and guns and other crazy things that she gets excited about, but a bubble nonetheless.

I love having her on the jet with me.  I wish she could travel more with us.  It was nothing short of wonderful to come offstage tonight and find her waiting for me.  God, I would love to have that every show.

Maybe I can convince her to, since we're gonna start working on our little project soon.  She could take a leave of absence, like she did to work on the movie and TV series.  I know she can't right away, but maybe for the Europe leg this summer.

I'll have to work on that.

In the meantime I have some work to do of my own.  Gonna call my doc tomorrow and find out what I need to do.  Cate's gonna talk to her gyno too.  We want to get started working on our little "family expansion plan" as soon as possible.

We have a lot of talking to do.  I was so excited to see her I totally forgot I was gonna tell her about what's going on with Jesse.  And we'll need to figure out what, if anything, we're gonna tell Dorothea and the kids about our plans.

I'm so fucking excited I can hardly stand it.


8:20 pm
Home

Settled in on the couch with my Baby for a little reading.  Just like a real domestic homebody married couple, ha ha.  Well, guess I'm actually writing at the moment instead of reading, but I WILL be reading.

Had a nice quiet day.  Cate and I both worked from home, then took off to pick up the boys from school.  Romeo was so excited to see her, came running up and gave her a great big hug.  Didn't even notice I was there.  Dad Who?  Ha ha.  But it was so cute.  Cate just beamed and gave me a little glance that told me she was thinking "can't wait until we have one of these."

We took the boys out for ice cream (SHHH! Don't tell Dorothea!) then took them home and just hung out for awhile.  Luckily all the strep throat germs are gone, all that's left are some snotty noses and boogers and stuff. Jeez, ain't boys great?  Ha ha.

Waited until Jess and Steph got home and spent a little time with them.  Cate and Dorothea spent most of their time talking about the Soul Kitchen -- Cate wants to start getting a little more involved with some of the Foundation stuff, but God knows when she has the time.  She said when I'm on the road she wants to stay busy, so that's one way to do it.

I personally think she should practice ovulating, ha ha.

Put a call in to my Doc today but haven't heard back yet.  He's a busy guy, but he really needs to get on the Ball (pun intended, ha ha).  I gotta figure out when I can get this little procedure done since I'm gonna be traipsing all over the planet.  I've been doing some reading up on this thing (but avoiding videos) and it looks like the best I'm gonna get away with is 2 1/2 - 3 weeks of taking it easy.  Not sure when the hell I'm gonna be able to fit that into the tour schedule.

Maybe I can just fake another blown calf muscle and use that as my excuse for hobbling around the stage.  Would be a helluva lot easier to explain than that I had my balls sliced open and a little needlepoint done.

God, that sounds painful.

Anyway, Cate talked to her gyno today too, she's got an appointment on Friday to go in and have a chat.  Since she just did all her lab stuff and got squeezed and scraped and prodded she probably won't need any more tests or exams.

She's been doing some research too.  She admitted she's a little nervous, not just about becoming a mother but about whether she'll have a hard time getting pregnant because of her age.  Of course I'm no expert on this, but I told her that she's in excellent physical health, so I would think she should have a pretty easy time of it.  Besides, she's on the low end of 40, unlike me, ha ha.  If anybody should be worried about being dried up it's me.

But I'm Italian.  We have mighty swimmers, ha ha.  Even if they've been bottled up in the pond for awhile.

Alright, gonna stop writing and start reading.  Cate's on the other couch with her files spread out everywhere. She's got her hair piled up in a messy bun and has those sexy little librarian reading glasses on.

Fuck, that's Hot.

Screw this.  Reading is overrated.

I think we need to practice baby-making.

Tuesday, February 15

1:20 pm
My room

I can only think of a few other days in my entire life when I was as happy as I am today.

Cate is here with me.  We were able to spend our anniversary together.  Well, almost.  And she's staying tonight, coming to the show.  She has to go home tomorrow, but that's okay.  She's here now.

We've been locked away together all morning, just the two of us.  Had room service brunch, didn't even bother to go to the gym.  We practiced our own kind of yoga, heh heh.  Too bad we have to leave for the venue soon.  I could gladly spend the rest of the day here with her.

Her coming here was the best Valentine she ever could have given me.  The beautiful, romantic evening we spent... and the news she gave me.  When I close my eyes I can see her face, her happy tears, her beautiful smile, the love and devotion in her gorgeous eyes.  It makes my heart melt.

We're gonna have a Baby.

Monday, February 14

12:05 am
My Room

All alone in my suite, wishing I was with my Valentine.

Cate's asleep, don't wanna wake her up.  When I talked to her earlier she was fading fast, told me she has a busy Monday ahead.  Said she had to get up and into the office early to take care of a bunch of stuff.

But on this most romantic of days I want to tell again her how much I love her and how I'm the luckiest man in the world because she agreed to spend her life with me.  Flowers are pretty, poetry is sweet... but I need her to hear my voice, thanking her once again.

I wish my lips were next to her ear right now, my breath on her cheek, my body molded to hers.

But I'm not even in the same country.

So I'm just gonna sit here in my gilded cage and miss her and look at her picture and smell her perfume on her scarf and vow once again to make it up to her, me being gone for yet another Special Day.  For the Special Day.

Happy Anniversary, Baby.

I love you.


5:25 pm
Venue

What a shit Valentine's Day.  Spent all day in the hotel, gym, and now in the venue.  Getting ready to sound check but I don't feel like it.  Richie and the guys are up there banging away, doing just fine without me.

Haven't even been able to talk to Cate.  She sent me a text at the ass-crack of dawn this morning, telling me Happy Anniversary and Happy Valentine's Day and that she was gonna be out of contact for the next few hours.  It's been 12 hours since that message.  A few hours, my ass.

Don't know what the fuck is going on at her office, but she's probably getting sucked into some new case again, which means I won't get to see her  next week when I'm home for a few days.

Goddammit.

Don't even know if she got the roses.  We promised not to get each other gifts, but I couldn't not send flowers.  I'd be a bad husband.  A guy's gotta send his girl flowers on Valentine's Day or he's a schmuck.

Christ, need to summon the will to move my ass.  I know the adrenaline will kick in later, but it's nowhere to be found right now.

Hope she answers her phone soon.



Author's Note:
Wanna know what happened?  Go here:  http://bedofrosesfic.blogspot.com/

Sunday, February 13

10:45 am
My Room

Just did an hour of yoga.  Feel great.  Very relaxed, very zen.  My chi is harmonious today.

Maybe it's just because I'm not hung over, ha ha.

When you stand in front of a mirror and flex and bend for an hour you get a pretty good idea of whether you're in shape or not.  I'm pretty damned flexible for a guy my age.  Proud to say I'm new to this yoga thing but I seem to be adapting well.

Cate keeps me limber, heh heh.

And I must say -- my ass is fantastic.  It's quite impressive for a 50-year-old guy, ha ha.  No saggy Mick Jagger ass on this Jersey Boy.

Take that, Bruce.  You may have that iconic Born in the USA cover with the hat hanging out of the back pocket of your Levi's, but I got ya beat.  There were about 20,000 women in that arena last night who will agree.

I am the Ass-King of Jersey, ha ha.

Saturday, February 12

7:25 pm
Lockdown

Saturday Night in Pittsburgh P-A.  Ready to Party.

In a great mood, show's a couple minutes from start.  I'm in my "Cone of Silence," allegedly meditating.  Nah, don't need that tonight.  I'm good to go.  Just chillin' out now.

We kicked ass last night.  I felt about a thousand percent better than I did after that miserable Penn State show.  Got my head right, then the Boys and I went out there and played like we never left the road.  Wait 'til the fans see what I got for 'em tonight.  Heh heh.

Woke up with a smile on my face thanks to my very talented and very, very dirty wife.  She has a way with words, that woman I married.  I should ALWAYS listen to her when she tells me to prop up the iPad on a pillow, lay back, and enjoy the ride.  Those pictures she gave me for Christmas on a continuous-loop slideshow are fucking awesome.  Especially with narration.

Funny how starting the day off with an toe-curling orgasm just makes everything go better.  Heh heh.

Can hear them up there, watching and waiting.

Look out Pittsburgh, I'm feelin' feisty tonight.

Friday, February 11

2:10 pm
Hotel

Sitting in my suite, waiting for the van, wishing with all my might I wasn't here.

It's like this at the beginning of every tour leg.  I hate the first week, then I get used to it and resign myself to the fact that this is the necessary evil of my chosen career.

It's not that I hate my job, or I hate performing, or I hate the crowds... quite the contrary.  I love to be up on that stage and look out across that sea of smiling, dancing, arm-waving people, eight to eighty, all singing my songs.  It makes me feel great to know I'm the ringmaster of the Greatest Show On Earth, at least for that night.  I love that they love me -- even those who don't.

I am the Great and Powerful Oz, ha ha.

I just hate being away from my family.  I hate the endless procession of cars and vans and planes and hotel lobbies and gyms and bars and suites and venues and press rooms and changing rooms.  The only piece of home I have is my quick-change, which technically ain't even home.  It's part of the set.  But it's where I have my few little pieces of home that follow me everywhere.

Drawings from my kids.  Notes from important people in my life.  My picture of Frank.  And today I get to add something new to my little cave.

This morning Cate gave me a special goodbye present.  She woke me up early for a little quickie -- which was in and of itself an excellent present -- and told me she slipped something special into my suitcase.  I figured it was lingerie or a scarf or something with her perfume on it, like she usually sends with me.  She did that, but added something extra-special this time.

She had one of the boudoir photos she did for me framed up to hang in my quick-change.  Part of her Christmas present to me was to let me pick out one to frame and hang in our apartment.  Well, they were all so gorgeous I had a helluva time doing that.  I ended up with the one of her and my Tak -- it's a stunning photo, all shadowy and sensual.  And now it's hanging in my walk-in closet, where I can look at it every morning when I get dressed.  Out of sight of curious little eyes, ha ha.  Don't need Jakey and Romey checking out their StepMama's nipples.

But there were a couple others I really love.  Cate noticed, and she had one printed up kinda medium-sized,  matted and framed.  She even "autographed" it for me, ha ha.  It's the one of her lying naked on our bed in the rumpled sheets, wrapped around my red Duesenberg.  Fuck, it's sexy.  She's wearing these black fuck-me heels, she's got these smoky, seductive eyes, her lips are all full and pouty, her hair is all shiny and tangled, and the only thing covering her is the body of my guitar.  She has the neck kinda angled in between her breasts with the headstock resting on her shoulder, beside her tat.  It's hot as hell.  Looks like a centerfold shot.

In her note she told me to hang the pic beside Frank and see if he blushes, ha ha.  Sorry, Baby -- hate to tell ya but it would take a whole fucking lot more than that to make Sinatra blush.

And I know every guy on the crew is gonna sneak in there to ogle my wife.  Fine by me, heh heh.  They'll wander away muttering "Lucky Bastard."

It's tucked in my bag right now, sitting here by my foot, ready to make the trip to the venue.  Can't wait to hang it up.  Will be nice to focus on my Muse when I'm trying to get my head right for the show tonight.  Love you, Baby.  Glad you're coming along for the ride.

I've chosen to forget about the Penn State show.  Nothing I can do about it now -- just have to put it behind me and go out and kick ass tonight.  It's not like I've never had a bad night before, it just pisses me off when I do.  The tour starts tonight, as far as I'm concerned.  And we're not fucking around.

Bring it on.

Thursday, February 10

1:45 am
Home

Sitting here watching Cate sleep.

Tired as hell, feel like crap.  Show is over, which is about the best thing I can say about it.  Tomorrow -- well, later today --  I'll worry about how we're gonna regroup and make Friday night 100% better.

Until then I need to wrap myself around my wife and hold her, draw strength from her, let her comfort me.

Thank God I'm sleeping in my own bed tonight.

It's good to be home.

10:45 pm
Bed

I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.  I'm not even really sure what damned day it is.  I'm just going where my calendar tells me to go at what the fuck ever time I'm supposed to be wherever.

Sleep?  What's that?  Down time?  Who?

I'm too fucking old for this shit.  Why do I keep letting myself get sucked into project after project after project?  I was done with acting, but I spent all fucking day freezing my ass off on a movie set.  In between shows, no less.

This is all starting to catch up with me.  Last night's show sucked.  I knew it wasn't gonna be good even hours before I climbed up those steps onto the stage.  I just didn't feel right.  Richie was off, too.  He's been burning the candle at both ends like me, but even harder because he's doing the party circuit for his fashion line.  We both fucked things up big time last night.  Made mistakes we haven't made in decades, since way back when we were nobodys opening for ZZ Top and KISS and Ratt.

That was the worst show we've done in a long damned time.  I'm still pissed -- at myself, at the band, at the crew... but mostly at myself.  I'm better than that.  WAY damned better than I was last night.  I'm Jon Fucking Bon Jovi.  I'm the guy who takes you to another place when you come to my shows, who makes you a Believer.  Even if you hate my fucking guts walking in the door, you walk out humming one of my songs, even if you still think I'm a prick.

I was so pissed off this morning at breakfast that Cate basically told me to shut the fuck up and call her when I was in a mood to be civil.  After my workout I pulled up a couple YouTubes of the show, which just pissed me off more.  I was awful.

But yet there were thousands of people singing my praises, talking about how great the show was, best show they've ever seen.  Makes me a little nauseous to read those comments.  But I'm sure there are plenty more out there that are the complete opposite.  There's never a scarcity of people ready to jump on my mistakes and trumpet to the world what a fucking talentless hack I am.

I called Cate from my trailer on the set and apologized up and down.  She doesn't deserve my shit.   Especially since all I really wanted to do today is stay locked away in our room with her in my arms and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist.

Four hours.  That's all I'm gonna have with my wife today.  And then I won't see her again until next Wednesday.    And that's only if she doesn't have to go out of town, which she might.  If that happens I won't be with her again for almost two weeks.

I haven't even had a chance to sit down and talk to Cate about Jesse. Was planning to do that tonight, but she got home late and I didn't get off the set until almost 8 pm and then we had a late dinner and I had to pack for my early flight to Pittsburgh tomorrow.

And now here we are, ready to go to bed.  I'm too fucking exhausted to get into such a heavy topic with her.  So I guess my choices are tell her on the phone later this week when we both have some time or wait until I get back next week.  Both choices that suck.

And I'm too fucking tired to even make love to her.

On top of all this self-created misery, I couldn't even go say goodbye to my kids today.  They're all in quarantine.  Every one of them.  Dorothea called me yesterday afternoon and told me she had to take Romeo and Jake to the Doc.  Diagnosis:  Strep Throat.  And when she got home both Jess and Steph were sick too.

Apparently a couple of Steph's friends are out from school, it's going around.  Probably where Jess got it -- from playing tonsil-hockey with his sister's friend.  Let that be a warning to him -- strep sucks but it's better than fucking gonnorhea.

So I was forbidden from going by Dorothea's to say goodbye.  I get why -- I sucked enough on my own last night without having to deal with strep.  God knows that would majorly blow.  But I feel bad for D; she's gotta take care of all the kids and try to stay healthy herself.  And of course Romeo wants Daddy and Daddy ain't there.  Again.

Sometimes my life really sucks.

So now I'm gonna turn off the light and wrap my arms around Cate for the last time for maybe weeks and try to keep my eyes open long enough to at least pillow-talk a little, one last time before I hit the road again.

I don't wanna go.

Wednesday, February 9

8:35 am
Crappy Hotel Bed

Oh My God.  This bed SUCKS.

Woke up ten minutes ago and could barely move.  My back is completely locked up.  I tossed and turned all night, now can hardly sit up.

Fuck, it's gonna be a long day.  I'm gonna have to get Dean to give me an adjustment, Stat.  I may be a decrepit old Senior Citizen rocker but I gotta shake my ass like I'm 20 tonight.

If I can heave my ass off this mattress, that is.

Had the weirdest dream last night.  Actually woke up and wrote part of it down.  At least I thought I did.  Now that I look at the scribbles they say "Bridg tmms boat thru tun Cate bby in room.  Stage by lft"  Then there's some kind of drawing.

What the fuck does that mean?  I don't remember a thing about the dream now, just that I woke up from it.

I'm slowly going senile.

I would say "fuck it all" and go back to sleep if this wasn't the worst fucking mattress ever.  Maybe I'll just roll over and fall off the edge and lay there on the floor.  Maybe then I can sleep.

"I've fallen and I can't get up....."

Tuesday, February 8

5:55 pm
Car

Christ, finally a minute to breathe.

Headed for the plane, ready to hop over to Penn State for rehearsal.  I've been going 100 mph all day.  Gonna crash hard later.

Had a 9 am set call this morning.  Thank God we were shooting indoors today--it's fucking COLD.  All went pretty well, was a fun shoot, some easy scenes.  Plus I got to flirt with Sofia.  She's funny, sweet, and stunningly gorgeous.  And that accent... Holy Christ, when she rolls her Rs it just curls my toes.  No, it didn't suck to be me today, ha ha.

Finished up a little after 2 pm, had time to dash home and grab my bag then head over to Dorothea's.  We were gonna go get a cup of coffee but since I was running late she just made a pot and we sat in her kitchen and talked.

It was weird, I was actually nervous.  Have no idea why.  If anything I should be pretty damned proud of myself.  Look at me!  I'm Parenting!  And my kid thinks I'm a Cool Dad!  Ha ha.  But I actually had butterflies in my stomach when she opened the door and invited me in.  Strange.

And of course I had all of 3 words out of my mouth when D figured out exactly what was up.  Damn that Woman -- I swear she has SuperHero mind-reading powers.  I kinda fidgeted around and hemmed and hawed and finally she just set down her coffee cup and looked me in the eye and said.  "So, like Father, like Son?"

I actually blushed.  BLUSHED!  Jesus.

Dorothea just smirked at me and did that throaty little chuckle I know so well, the one that sounds half-evil.  I told her yes and no -- he's definitely not innocent but he's nowhere near where I was at his age.  She looked relieved and asked how I found out.  I didn't want to lie to her, so I told her a half-truth.  I just said Jesse and I had a long talk and he told me about losing his virginity.

She kinda looked me up and down, for a minute.  She could tell there was something I was holding back, but she didn't press.  I told her how I feel about keeping Jesse's confidence, that I want him to trust me and not be afraid I'm gonna report everything back to his Mom.  And I pledged that whatever happens, I'm gonna be sure to handle it and to be there for Jess to talk to.

Dorothea was satisfied with that.  I think she's actually relieved.  She gave me a little smile and squeezed my arm and said "Well Johnny... Welcome to the Dark Side.  There's no going back now."  That made me laugh.

We just sat and smiled at each other for a minute, and I felt that pang of regret shoot through my heart again.  It's times like that, when we're talking about the kids or facing some new hurdle together, that I really miss her.  I miss us.

But at least we're still friends, still so close we can be honest, brutal if necessary.  At least I still have that.

So we talked a little more about Jesse -- and about how he's gonna be easy compared to what the Chuckleheads have in store for us -- then I had to go.  She hugged me and kissed my cheek at the door before sending me on my way.  I held on to her for an extra second or two, just for old time's sake.

So, now here I sit in the back of another car headed for another plane to take me to another stage and yet another hotel room.  And I'm lonely as Hell.

I miss my family already and I'm not even out of the City yet.  I miss my wife -- I didn't even get a moment this morning to hold her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her.  She was dressed and headed out the door when I woke up.  In fact, her goodbye kiss was my wakeup call.  Now I gotta wait until Thursday to steal a couple hours with her, to tell her about Jesse and hopefully talk about us.

And this ain't gonna slow down much until fall.

It's gonna be a long six months.

Monday, February 7

11:40 pm
Finally Home

Fuck, what a LONG day.

Just got home about a half hour ago.  Cate was already asleep.  She looked exhausted, poor thing.  Didn't have the heart to wake her up to say hello.  Just kissed her forehead and dragged my ass to the shower.

Well, I think I got things under control.  Jess and I had good afternoon.  Picked him up at school, went for coffee.  Talked for awhile about how his weekend was, what's going on in school, how the Super Bowl was, yadda yadda.  Then we got into the real topic, what we were both kinda tiptoeing around.  My son's sex life.

It became obvious pretty quick that Starbuck's was NOT the place for that conversation.  So Jess and I went out for an early dinner.  Things were a lot more comfortable over a pizza.

He breathed a big sigh of relief when I told him how I planned to handle things with his mother.  He of course wasn't wild about me telling her anything, but he understood why she needs to know there's something going on with him.  She needs to know I've got this part of the parenting thing covered, she doesn't have to worry about it.

I think I saw a little smirk from Jess when I said that.  The Kid was probably thinking "Yeah, sure Dad.  You got it covered.  And I already got it all figured out."

Anyway, we had that awkward "So, Son... is there anything you want to ask me about?" moment.  Then I realized I sounded like Leave it to Beaver's Dad so I just said.  "Aw, fuck it.  I used to be your age.  What do you wanna know?"

Well, that opened up the Pandora's Box.  I started out by telling Jess a couple stories from when I was his age, just to get the ball rolling.  It worked, he actually relaxed and admitted he's not exactly new to this sex thing.  He lost his virginity this summer, in the Hamptons.  To an older woman, no less.  A 17-year-old.

He actually opened up quite a bit, told me the story of how it happened, how it wasn't at all as good as he thought it would be.  I had to chuckle, told him my first time sucked too, but it gets better.  Jess wholeheartedly agreed, said it's a lot better after a few tries.

I didn't quite know what to say to that, other than to ask him how many partners he's had.  I was relieved to hear he's only had 3, counting his little summer fling out on the beach.  Plus this friend of Steph's and another girl he hooked up with early in the school year.

We talked about how guys and girls are different, especially at his age -- how girls want the whole romantic thing and guys pretty much just want to get laid.  He agreed with that, but said he and these girls -- both of them -- are friends.  Actually "Fuck Buddies" was the phrase he used.  That kinda shocked me.  Apparently High School girls have changed a lot since the early 1980s, ha ha.  Now apparently they want sex without commitment as much as the boys do.

Anyway, I just told him that even if they are just "Fuck Buddies" to treat whatever girl he's seeing with respect, be a gentleman.  Don't talk shit about her to his buddies, don't trash her reputation.  And for God's sake use a condom EVERY time.  I ain't ready to be a Grandpa yet, and he doesn't need to experience VD first-hand.

I also told Jess he can talk to me anytime about this -- even if I'm on the road, he can call me day or night.  He said he knew that, he always did.  But he admitted he was a little embarrassed and he didn't know how I'd react when he told me he wasn't a virgin anymore.  I gotta say it made me a little proud when he said he thought I'd probably be cool about it, and that he was glad he was right.  I mentally patted myself on the back when he said that.  I'm a Cool Dad, ha ha.

So as we talked and ate pizza Jess opened up a little more, got a little more comfortable.  But I about choked when he asked me if I remember my first blowjob.  I had to be honest -- I promised myself I would be up-front and candid about everything with Jess.  So after I stopped coughing and wheezing I said "yeah."  He asked me to tell him about it.

So much for up-front and candid.  I quickly decided there are degrees of up-front and candid.  I told him the stripped-down version of the truth: when, where, how it happened, and that it felt good.  The girl knew what she was doing (actually she was 19 and I was 15 but I wasn't going to tell HIM that), and she made it a very pleasurable experience.  Apparently Jesse's first BJ didn't go quite so well.  Poor kid.  I just told him that's part of the growing up thing; as you mature and gain experience it gets better.

After all, a good blowjob is one of the finer things in life, ha ha.

Thank God he didn't ask me about going down on a girl.  We'll save that for another time.  I may need booze to have that conversation.

So, after that Jess asked me to tell him about what it was like to be a rock star and have women throw themselves at me and offer to do whatever I wanted them to.  I tried to be honest, but I quickly realized that I didn't want to tell my kid about threesomes in the back of the bus and banging a chick in one bed while Richie did her friend in the other and having naked chicks waiting to suck my dick when I bounced off stage and slammed tequila shooters before the encore.

Of course he's seen the photos and heard the legends, but I told him a lot of that was embellished.  Like those Playboy pics -- hell yeah it was fun to have naked chicks crawling all over me and grabbing my joint for the camera, but it was just a photo shoot.  I admitted to Jess I was a little wild in the early days, but when Dorothea agreed to give me another shot I cleaned up my act and was devoted to her.

It shut him up pretty quick when I said I didn't need to screw anybody else but his mother -- she was almost more than I could handle.  Ha ha.

Anyway, we talked a couple hours, and it was good.  I told Jess I understand what he's going through and I'll always be here for him, but this is something he needs to think a lot about as he proceeds.  I'm not dumb enough to think he's gonna stop trying to get laid -- Hell, he's a Bongiovi.  His dick has a mind of its own.  But  I also didn't want him to get the idea my place is some kind of swinging bachelor pad now, where he can bring his girls for a little love-shack party.  I hope he's smart and careful about where he hooks up... but it ain't gonna be in my house.

So by the time I got him home to Dorothea I was completely wiped.   The traveling, the weekend, the conversation, it all caught up with me.  I told her I'd call her tomorrow and we'd have coffee before I head over to Penn State for rehearsal.  Guess I'll have to talk to Cate on Thursday, when I'm back for a few hours.  I need to tell Dorothea what's going on first, then I'll fill my wife in.  I know she'll understand.

One down, two to go.

God, parenting is exhausting.

Sunday, February 6

11:30 pm
Hotel

Man, what a fantastic weekend.  Weather aside, this weekend was fun as Hell.  Just what I needed.

Thought I was gonna be able to sneak around a little easier since everybody who's anybody was in Dallas and Cate and I avoided the high-profile parties.  But then ESPN had to go and mention my negotiations to buy into the Falcons, and BAM!  All of a sudden everybody was looking for me.  But we just stayed with our plan, stuck close with Shy and Char and ignored all the hoopla.

Man, I've been to a lot of Super Bowls, but this one was just HUGE.  The events and parties surrounding the game were just crazy.  Everything really is bigger in Texas, ha ha.

Even bumped into Richie.  We didn't plan to meet up, but sure enough we couldn't get away from each other.  He and Nikki are doing great, enjoying the party circuit.  I'm really happy for him, the WTB line is really taking off.  Now I just need to convince him to let Steph intern there, ha ha.

But ya know, he can have it.  I was having way more fun with my wife and the hard-core football people.  Cate kept teasing me about being more excited to hang with the execs, talking about the contract negotiations and potential off-season moves, than I was to see the game.  That's not true.

Well, not really.

But she's right that I miss being involved with the Soul.  It was a great franchise -- IS a great franchise, and I really enjoyed learning the business of sports.  Too bad the new league sucks so much.  I would have loved to have stayed involved with AFL, but just couldn't do it.  We did something so unique there, with the Soul and the Foundation and all the community involvement.  Wish more of the teams had followed suit.  But when the majority of the owners consider the league their own personal playground, it was never gonna work.

Nah, NFL is where I want to be.  It's always been the dream, but now that I understand the business it's becoming a passion too.  Will be fun once the deal is done.

As for fun -- it was nice to relax and just hang out with Cate and our friends.  I know she was pleasantly surprised; she usually just kinda smiles and endures these events.  She's way more of a homebody than I am, and even though she loves football she's just not into all the parties and appearances and all.  But this weekend we were really just Mr. & Mrs. Bongiovi, visiting our friends in Texas to take in a football game.

Cate and Char picked up where they left off last time, had a great time talking and laughing and drinking wine.  They're a lot alike.  Wouldn't surprise me if Char finds some way to pull Cate into one of her projects or causes.  And I doubt Cate could turn her down.

I had a lot of fun watching my wife this weekend.  Though we've been together almost two years now she's still not completely comfortable in this crazy world of mine.  Not that she's uneasy or anything -- she handles it just fine, with her usual strength and grace.  But I see the disbelieving little smiles and shakes of her head when she realizes where she is or who she has just met.  It's sweet.  I love watching her, being able to give her these great experiences.  I always said I wanted to show her the world, to give her all the best of everything.  And I'm trying to, a little bit at a time.

We had a great time watching the game from Jerry's box -- no press, no roving cameras so we could just relax and enjoy the game. And that halftime show was something else -- the Peas really nailed it. It was quite a sight to behold.  Of course that Fergie is a sight to behold pretty much any time, ha ha.  She's pretty damned hot.  May have to figure out a way to work with her one of these days.

It was absolutely hilarious watching Cate when I introduced her to Slash.  She was literally speechless.  I've always suspected she's had a thing for him -- Hell, she's practically told me as much. It's gotta be the hair, or maybe the Top Hat.  I swear, she practically growled when she met him.  WTF?  I thought I was her Rock God Dreamboat, ha ha.

But I gotta say, Slash is such a good guy, so laid back and so Zen.  He and Richie are pretty tight; I've met him a couple times but we don't have that guitarist bond, ya know?  He and Richie have a lot in common, they were both buddies with Les Paul.  Actually, I think they're planning some sort of collaboration at some point.  Maybe during our break after this tour.

It was really cute that Cate was totally in awe of Slash.  I thought she was gonna faint when he kissed her cheek and hugged her.  It was pretty damned funny.  Wish I'd had my camera to capture the moment.  My wife the Groupie.

Guess I gotta work extra-hard to impress her now, ha ha.

Sadly the weekend went too fast.  Now we're back in the hotel to try to grab a little sleep before we have to go home tomorrow.  I tried to get us on the same flight but no dice; Cate has to leave early because she's going into the office.  I'm going out a little later, getting back in time to pick up Jess from school.

Back to reality.

I can't say I was trying to escape my thoughts this weekend -- that wouldn't be fair, or completely true.  I thought a lot about what's going on in my life this weekend, but I was able to do it a little at a time.   A couple things I realized:

I love my kids, I love being a parent.  Even the hard parts, like what's going on now.  I just needed to put what happened with Jess out of my head a little bit, give myself a chance to chill out before I go back and start a new phase of fatherhood.

I still can't believe I'm in this situation with him -- I always thought it would be Steph.  Isn't that the stereotypical situation -- Daddy freaks out about his daughter's romantic life?  Well, I guess I did freak out a little when I saw her and Brendan kissing, but Cate took care of that.  She was absolutely right, Steph's a smart young woman and she has a good head on her shoulders.

But what about my son? Somehow he's in the other role, the one I know all too well.  The one I worry about with my Girl but somehow secretly cheer on in my Boy.  I'm not really proud of that as a parent, but I have to admit as a Man a little part of me snickers with satisfaction that my eldest son is somewhat a Stud.

Is that wrong?

But after much consideration I'm pretty confident now that I'm gonna handle this right, both for my son and for his mother.  And for myself.  Life is full of hard decisions, and part of being a Man is stepping up and making them.  That applies to me as much as Jess.

I'm going to talk to Jesse tomorrow, before I talk to Dorothea.  I'm not going to tell her everything, just enough to make her aware of what's going on in Jesse's life.  She's gonna have to trust me for the rest.  Same with Cate; I'll tell her a little of what happened but not everything.  I'm curious for her take on the Booty Call situation since she's not a parent.

Not yet anyway.

It seems like forever since we talked about our future as a family, but I know Cate's still thinking.  And it's only been a couple days since we sat curled up on the couch, sharing our thoughts.  There's just been a few things that have happened since then, ha ha.

A couple times this weekend we caught each other smiling when there were babies or little kids around.  Then we shared our own little private glances, our own sweet little silent secret.  Hopefully someday soon we'll have our own little one to smile about.

In a couple days I kick off the long haul, six more months of touring.  And there's lots of stuff coming up with the Foundation, and the White House Council, plus the movie and a few other projects I have working.  And pretty soon a football team.

I know all that is weighing on Cate's mind.  We're gonna be spending more time apart.  Not to mention that she has her own commitments with her cases and the traveling she's gonna have to do for them.

I wonder if that's going to deter her from admitting what she really wants, in her heart.  I hope not.  It won't be easy but I know we can find a way to make it work.  After this tour is over we can really focus on completing our family.

That will be the most exciting project of the bunch.

Saturday, February 5

7:45 am
Dallas

Fuck, I'm tired.

Yesterday seems like the longest damned day of my life.  It took for fucking EVER to get to Dallas -- and I had a direct flight.  Mother Nature must not be a Super Bowl fan this year, with the weather she's sending to Texas.  Good thing Richie made it in earlier in the week for his show, otherwise he never would have gotten there.

Talked to him yesterday and there are pictures in the paper.  Looks like the show went well.  And he didn't mind watching the cheerleaders strut down the runway in his clothes.  I'm sure he was picturing them strutting around OUT of his clothes, heh heh.

Wish I could have made his show but there was just no way.  I was hoping to at least make the After Party but that didn't happen either.  My damned plane didn't even land until 1 am.  The only good thing about that was that Cate wasn't far behind me -- she had a helluva time getting out of Atlanta too.  Her flight landed at 1:40 am.  So I just waited for her at the airport then we were able to get a car to the hotel together.  Not like that was easy either -- apparently the independent cabbies are on strike so there's not enough cabs to go around.  I finally ended up saying "fuck it" and called Shy on his cell.  He sent his personal driver to take us to the hotel.

Spent a lot of time sitting around thinking yesterday.  About Cate and me, the kids, the tour, the movie, the Foundation... but mostly about Jess.  Now that I've calmed down and have a some distance from the incident it's a little easier to think through, but my decision isn't any clearer.  I called him yesterday and we talked a little but I don't want to do this over the phone so I saved most of what I have to say for Monday.

But the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure I have to tell Dorothea.  I'm not sure what, or how much, or how to say it, but she needs to know Jess is having sex.  And I need to talk to her about that face-to-face.  I'm pretty sure she'll be cool about it, she's a far more level-headed parent than I am.  But I'm dreading that conversation with her almost more than I am the one with Jess.

I've also decided I'm going to tell Cate what happened.  It was in our home, and she has a right to know too. Hell, what if she had been the one to walk through that door?  Jess probably would have needed therapy, ha ha.  And I know she won't breathe a word to Jess, she won't even give him the slightest clue she knows what happened.  If there's one thing my wife is good at, it's keeping secrets.  She's been doing it all her life.  Hell she probably knows where Jimmy Hoffa is buried and she ain't telling me a damned thing, ha ha.

The weather's even crappier here today than it was yesterday, if that's possible.  I was going to hit the gym... but fuck it.   I'm gonna go crawl back in bed with Cate and sleep some more.  I need to relax and get some rest.  And the best way to do that is cuddled up to her.