3:45 pm
Heading for New Zealand
I'm finally starting to feel human again. To say the last 48 hours have sucked is putting it very, very mildly. I finally hit the wall yesterday and my body said "Enough." I took a pill, put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, called PK and told him I wasn't going ANYWHERE, and passed out. Woke up 15 hours later, feeling slightly better but nowhere near normal. At least most of the snot and swelling in my head is gone.
Japan shows went pretty well. Crowd was good as always. Every time we play here I remember that first tour, waaaaaay back when, and how all the little Japanese girls just went crazy over us. It was like we were The Beatles or Elvis, when we were just long-haired nobody kids from Jersey. Now I look out at the Tokyo crowds and see that same adoration. It's good for the soul, to know somebody out there still loves us.
Speaking of somebody loving me, I still don't know what the fuck to do about Cate. Finally talked to her after the show Weds night, morning her time. She sounded so weary and sad it about broke my heart. She tried to give me some bullshit about being under the weather and having a busy week at work, but I know it's crap.
She's hurt. This whole thing with Dorothea and Steph really got to her. I tried to get her to tell me what happened but she just sighed and said she didn't want to talk about it now. She promised she'd tell me the whole story when I get home, but said "it's over and done with." I really don't like the sound of that. But I don't want to make matters worse so I just shut up about it and tried to talk about something else. We made some awkward small talk about Christmas and her work and the shows, then she said she had to get ready for work.
It kills me that I can't be there to fix this, or at least to hold her and comfort her. But then again, I'd probably just fuck up and make things worse. I just miss her so damned much. So I did the best I could, sent her a big bouquet of flowers with a note saying how amazing she is, to be delivered to her office.
Then I called Dorothea.
We had a long talk. A LONG talk. She still won't tell me what was said, but she told me she feels awful about it. There was genuine regret in her voice. D said she left Cate a message asking if they could talk, but Cate hasn't responded. That's not like Cate. And it has me even more worried. That must have been one hell of a confrontation.
So anyway, after Dorothea and I talked I told her to have Steph call me when she got home from school. She did, right on time since she's grounded from EVERYTHING and had to come straight home and do her homework. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to ask Steph what happened between her mother and Cate, but I did ask her to tell me the whole story again from her perspective, now that everybody had calmed down a little.
She said she was sorry for causing so much drama and for scaring us by running away. She realizes now what a stupid and dangerous thing she did, though she admitted she never intended to actually go anywhere. She was just mad at her mother and wanted to make a point. Steph never meant to drag Cate into this, she just said she wished Cate was her mother because she knew it would piss Dorothea off. Well, she got THAT right.
She also begged me not to be angry with Brendan. Steph said he had nothing to do with it, that he didn't even know it happened until she called him from the cab and told him Dorothea kicked her out of the house. He insisted on meeting her and was trying to talk her into going home when the cops found them. Gotta give him points for that, though I still want to sit him down and put the fear of God in him. But I bit my tongue and let Steph talk.
As for what Cate said to her at the precinct, Steph waffled a little but finally admitted Cate chewed her ass pretty good about what could have happened. Cate apparently painted some pretty scary scenarios, about being abducted and raped and tortured. But what scared Steph most was when Cate pointed out that if somebody figured out who she was they could use her to hurt me. Apparently she started to cry and that's when Dorothea showed up and got into it with Cate.
Christ, I feel sick just thinking about it. I had tears in my eyes when Steph was telling me what happened. The thought of somebody kidnapping my little girl and holding her for ransom, or worse.... it's too horrible to comprehend.
Thank God Cate found her.
So anyway, of course Steph tried to play me off Dorothea to get her punishment lightened, and of course I said "Hell No" and told her I loved her and we'd talk more about this when I got home. Then I hung up the phone and collapsed. I was so fucking drained.
Woke up yesterday afternoon to a bunch of emails and messages. One was from Cate, thanking me for the flowers and telling me she was worried about me being sick. Typical. She's the one hurting, but she's worried about me and my stupid sinuses. Also had a message from Dorothea, telling me she's trying again to get in touch with Cate. So far Cate hasn't returned her calls.
Cate and Dorothea have always gotten along pretty well. Of course it was a little awkward in the beginning, the way things happened so fast. After all, two weeks after I met Cate I had her flying out to California with me and living in the Malibu house. Dorothea was not amused by that. Of course she was suspicious of Cate's motives and worried about her being around the kids, rightfully so. But once she and Cate met and realized how much they have in common and that Cate's feelings for me were real, they became friendly.
Cate's always felt a little uneasy around the kids. Not because she doesn't like them -- she adores them. She just doesn't want to interfere in our family relationship, doesn't want to undermine Dorothea. She's savvy enough to know that the kids will try to take advantage of her to get their way, and smart enough to know she's a pushover where they're concerned, especially Romey.
But she's also told me she feels a little like an outsider when it comes to D and me and the kids. I can understand, but I hate it. It's not that she doesn't love my kids. She does. But there's just a hint of sadness in her smile when she sees me and D with all of them. There's a lot of history for her to overcome, things Dorothea and I share that she will never be able to have. I love her even more for trying, for understanding that and for sticking with me anyway.
She's amazing, my wife.
God, I miss her.
Which brings me back to the point -- I don't know what to do to help her through this. Sending flowers isn't near enough. I don't know whether to beg Dorothea to keep calling Cate and trying to work this out, or whether that would make things worse. I guess I just have to sit here, helpless again. I fucking hate feeling helpless. But I guess that's what I get for marrying and having kids with strong, independent women. Not that I'd have them any other way. Just wish sometimes they didn't have balls bigger than mine, ha ha.
It's gonna be too late to call Cate by the time we get to the hotel, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to tell her again how much I love her. I can never tell her enough.
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