Friday, February 25

7:30 am
Kitchen

Up with Cate, ready to take her to the Doc.

She's finishing up in the bathroom while I'm trying to choke down some eggs and toast.  I have no appetite but I gotta eat something or I'll be queasy all morning.

I'll be so relieved when this is all over.  It's gonna kill me to sit there in that exam room with her and watch what's happening.  But I want to do it, to be there for her.

Maybe looking her Doc in the eye and hearing it from her lips that this is just a precaution will make me stop worrying.  God, I hope so.  We're not gonna have the test results until next week at the earliest.  It's gonna be the longest damned week of my life.

But I'm trying to stay positive, for Cate.

She'll be fine.  Everything will be fine.

Faith.

11:50 am
Living Room

Home from Cate's appointment.  I feel a lot better now that it's over.  Of course we don't have any definitive answers yet but just being able to talk to Cate's Doc helped me a lot.  I feel like a huge weight's been lifted off my chest, like I can breathe again.

Of course there's still that little dark cloud hanging out there, until we get the biopsy results back.

Cate's Doc was great.  Cool lady, great bedside manner.  She immediately put me at ease.  Then again, how could you not feel comfortable with a Doctor named "Jane Seuss."  Cate's Gyno is Dr. Seuss.  Man, that conjures up all kinds of not-for-kid rhymes, ha ha.

But she was awesome.  I see why Cate thinks the world of her.  She was very cheerful and upbeat but didn't make light of the situation.  When she came into the room we shook hands and chatted a little bit, then she left for Cate to get ready for the exam.  It was weird for me... I was actually a little uncomfortable watching Cate undress and get into that gown thingie.  I think this may be the only time I actually averted my eyes when my wife took her clothes off.  Usually I'm leering at her and Superman's taking notice.

Then again, I don't think I could have gotten a hard-on in that room if Cate had been on her knees blowing me.  It was all too serious, too many scary-looking instruments that looked more like torture devices than medical tools.

It's not like I don't have any idea what goes on in an OB/GYN's office.  Hell, I've fathered 4 kids.  I used to go to appointments with Dorothea all the time.  But except for watching our kids be born I usually sat in the waiting room with all the other freaked-out guys.  Sometimes you don't want to know what goes on back behind those waiting room doors.

But I had to be with Cate this time.  I wanted to hold her hand, to be there just in case she did get worried or scared.  Of course she was fine but I'm glad I was there just the same.

It surprised me how fast this procedure went.  The whole thing took less than 10 minutes.  I didn't want to see what was going on down there under that drape, so I just focused on Cate's face.  It was obviously a little uncomfortable -- she winced a couple times -- but she stayed calm.  I must have looked distressed because she gave me this cute little apologetic smile and squeezed my hand and said "Hang in there, Baby -- almost done."

Apparently I'm a Wuss.

Anyway, Dr. Seuss said the procedure went great, everything looks normal.  She has no reason to believe the biopsy will return negative results.  If that's the case Cate's abnormal Paps are nothing to worry about.  Apparently sometimes that happens, especially with older women.

I just want to make it clear, should anyone find this journal as "evidence,"  that I am NOT the one who called my wife an "older woman."  That was ALL Dr. Seuss.

After Cate got dressed we went into Dr. Seuss' office and talked with her for a little bit.  I think Cate asked her to do that, for my sake.  As soon as we sat down Doc looked right at me and said "So, Jon.  What questions can I answer for you?"  That kinda surprised me, tongue-tied me for a minute.  Then I asked her how long until we get the test results, what happens next, etc.  She was very patient and understanding with my obvious anxiety. Best of all, she told me her office uses a lab in the same building so it shouldn't be more than a few days until we have results.

Then she congratulated me on our decision to try to have baby.  That made me smile.  We talked a little about fertility in women over 40 and in men who have vasectomy reversal, and she answered a couple questions for me about that.  She knows the Urologist my Doc referred me to, said he's one of the best in the City.  I told her I can't wait to get the procedure done so we can start trying to get pregnant.

Dr. Seuss chuckled at that, and she made Cate giggle when she said I'll have the worst end of the deal, walking around with a bag of frozen peas strapped to my crotch for a couple days.  Then she warned me not to complain--Cate will have it far worse carrying around the kid for almost 10 months.  I had to agree whole-heartedly there.  I've seen it with my own eyes.  Morning sickness ain't pretty.  And labor is why men can't bear children -- we'd pass out and die at the first contraction.  Ugh.

So we rolled out of the Doc's office both feeling a lot better.  Well, I did, anyway.  Cate's understandably a little uncomfortable after her procedure.  She took some Motrin and went to lie down with a heating pad for awhile, so she feels better for tonight.  Think I'll run out to the deli and get her some lunch.  After what she's gone through this morning the last thing she needs is to be subjected to my cooking.

Now I'm just trying to stay optimistic that next week will bring good news.