Thursday, February 24

10:15 am
My Office

Another day in the salt mines.  First show at the Garden tonight.  But first I have to play businessman and get a bunch of boring shit done.

Yesterday was like a nightmare.  I felt like I was wandering around in a fog, not even existing in my own life.  I was so overwhelmed with worry and fear and anger over what's happening with Cate.  I don't even really remember shooting the scenes I did; they're probably shit.  Guess we'll find out what kind of actor I am, huh?

Bet we have to re-shoot them.  I ain't that good.

Today is much better, thanks to Cate.  She always knows just what I need, how to pull me out of my tailspin when I get all wound up like that.  Last night I just needed to talk.  A lot, apparently.

I came home in a foul mood after a long day on the set.  Cate was already home from work, waiting for me.  I walked into the kitchen and she was cooking, making chicken saltimbocca.  My favorite of all her recipes.  She had her laptop sitting open on the island and a glass of wine next to it.  She gave me a long kiss and told me to sit down, have a drink, and read.

I did what I was told.   God bless my wife, she had the Mayo Clinic site pulled up, with a bunch of detailed information about the colposcopy procedure she's having tomorrow.  The first line made me breathe a little easier:  "The majority of abnormal Pap smears are not caused by cervical cancer."  I must have sighed with relief because Cate looked over at me and gave me a little smile.  Then she left me alone, did her cooking while I clicked and read.

Over dinner we talked about her test.  Cate finally admitted she freaked out a little when her Gyno told her she wanted to do a biopsy, but she said her "cop-brain" took over and she started gathering the facts.  After talking to her Doc and doing her own independent research she's completely convinced there's nothing seriously wrong -- probably just some sort of infection or something.  Or even just a series of false positives.

But she also admitted she's a little worried.  Not that she might have cancer, but that this might be a sign that it's going to be hard for her to get pregnant.  She's excited about starting a family, but more than that she knows how much I want to have another child.  She said she doesn't want to disappoint me.

That made me feel so guilty.  My wife, who finally embraced the idea that she wants to be a mother, doesn't want to disappoint me.  I didn't quite know what to say to that, other than to tell her she could never disappoint me.  Even if she decided she didn't want to have a baby, I will always love and worship her.  She's my soul mate, a part of me.

She can read me so well, my wife.  She just gave me this long look and very quietly said "Baby, what else?"  I said "What do you mean?" but I knew exactly what she was talking about.  And she called me on it, told me to spill it.

I spent a lot of time worrying about Cate yesterday, but the more I thought about the worst-case scenario, the deeper I got into my own issues.  When I thought about canceling shows, or even the rest of the tour... well, I was actually a little hopeful.  NOT hopeful that my wife had cancer so I'd have a reason to do it -- GOD, not that.  But the idea of not having to slog through dozens more shows and live my life in hotels and planes and concert halls was just so appealing to me.

I'm tired.  I'm worn down from the grind.  In my heart I want to be home.

But I'm afraid of that, too.

For the past few months I've been waking up at night, wondering what the hell I'm gonna do with myself once this tour ends.  That's never happened to me before.  I've always had the future mapped out with projects -- films, Foundation work, solo stuff, collaborations, producing, whatever...  Not this time.  Yeah, I've made noise about doing a solo record, but I honestly don't have anything planned out yet.

All along I've been telling myself I'm just going to take a year off to spend time with my family -- my wife, my kids, my parents.  Steph's going off to college this fall, a grown woman.  I need to figure that out.  And now Cate and I are going to have a baby.  That has me so damned excited I can't even explain it.  I was excited about all of Dorothea's pregnancies, but this time it's different.  It's with Cate.  And this time I can really be there, through it all.

God knows I don't have anything else planned out.

My poor wife.  I feel bad dumping all my baggage on Cate, especially with what she's facing.  It started out as a conversation about a very specific thing -- her biopsy -- and somehow turned into this huge two-hour-long confession about how I think I'm in heading into of some kind of midlife crisis.

By the time I got through all this dinner and a bottle of wine were done and the candles were almost burned out.  We cleaned up the kitchen, then Cate led me into the bathroom.  We drew a bath and spent an hour in the tub together, cuddling and talking and listening to music.  I felt a lot better when we finally got out and crawled into bed together.

Cate's gonna be a fantastic mother.  She certainly knows how to soothe me.  And I'm way more high-maintenance than any baby could ever be, ha ha.

This morning she was up and out early.  She let me sleep and left a note for me on her pillow.  She wanted to get in to the office early and get her hours in so she can take off this afternoon and come to soundcheck.  She's done for the week after today--tomorrow she took the day off for her gyno appointment and the show.

A bunch of folks from her office are coming to see us at the Garden tomorrow night, so she's playing hostess. God knows she hit me up for enough Friends and Family tickets, ha ha.  But I'm glad to do it.  Least I can do for Cate's colleagues and their families is show them a good time on a Friday night.  In their line of work it ain't often husbands and wives get to spend a night out together.  I'm gonna make damned sure this one's a good one.

Well, enough blabbering.  Gotta get this shit done so I can head over to the Garden.

And I'm hungry.  Wonder if Cate took that leftover chicken for her lunch?