7:15 am
Bed
I prayed last night.
Really prayed, for the first time in a long time. Got out the rosary and got down on my knees beside the bed where my wife was sleeping. And I prayed as hard as I could to God to let her be okay. I promised I'll do everything in my power to be a better husband, a better man. Whatever it takes.
Just let her be okay.
Then I wiped my eyes and crawled back in bed and held her tight.
12:30 pm
My Trailer
Back on the set today. God knows this is the last place I want to be right now. Having a hell of a time focusing. How the hell am I supposed to be sweet and romantic when I feel like this?
I know I promised I'd try not to dwell but I can't stop thinking about Cate, worrying about her health. I realized this morning that when I got all spun up over her going to the Gyno back before Christmas, I was right. There was something wrong. It's not like Cate was trying to hide it from me... she didn't know. But I knew in my gut it wasn't good.
Cate called me this morning to check in, see how I'm doing. She's worried about me. She tried again to reassure me everything's gonna be okay. I want to believe her, but I just can't stop myself. I love her so much, I can't imagine how I'd go on if I lost her. It's a miracle that I found her in the first place.
Christ, that sounds selfish... I - I - I. All I can think of is how terrible I feel. If something's really wrong Cate's going to be the one who will have to go through it. It will hurt me to watch, but she'll have to endure. And I'm sure as hell not going to let her do it alone.
If I have to I'll cancel part of the tour, make up the dates later. Maybe. Or maybe I'll just say fuck the promoters and the record company sharks and pay them off. Not like I'd be doing anybody any favors trying to stay out on the road if Cate has to go through treatment. I'd be worse than bad. Our shows would be a joke. Nobody would ever want to pay to see us play again.
Cate says she's fine but I know she has to be at least a little bit worried, a little bit scared. My God, we just finally decided to try to have a baby together, and now it seems like that may not even be a possibility. She went in to talk to her Gyno about getting pregnant and came out with an appointment for a biopsy. Jesus... talk about an unexpected twist.
But Cate's not like she usually is when something's bothering her, all quiet and pensive and kinda distant. She seems normal. Hell, this morning she was up smiling and singing along with her iPod while she got ready for work. I felt like I was getting dressed up to go to the gallows.
When she called earlier I was whining on about not being able to focus, bitching about how I'm supposed to get into my romantic character. She laughed at me and said "DUH! It's called acting!"
She's obviously her normal self. I think that's what's unsettling me the most. I'm freaking out and she's not.
How the hell am I gonna survive until Friday? And how much longer after that will we have to wait until she gets the biopsy results back? It's not like they can just pull out a tissue sample, hold it up to the light and say "Ah, looks good--no Cancer here."
I can't even think about the other possibility.
I gotta figure out how the hell I'm gonna deal with this. Christ, I'm spinning myself up again, sitting here in my tin can with too much time to think. At least I'll be busy with the shows the next few days, but when I go back on the road... God, I hope we know before I have to go back out.
And I pray that it's good news.
Crap -- just got the five-minute knock on my door. Somehow I have to get my head into this script and fucking focus. I want to get this shit done so I can get out of here and go home to Cate.
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