Thursday, February 3

10:00 am
My Trailer

FUCK IT'S COLD.

Man, why didn't we schedule shows in southern California or Arizona for this week?  Jesus I'm sick of winter.

Got up with Cate this morning; walked her downstairs and put her in the car to the airport at 5:30 am.  She texted me before her plane took off; no delays.  That's good.  Hopefully I'll hear from her again in a bit, that she's in Atlanta.  Where it's warm.  Well, warm-ER.

After I sent Cate off to work I went back upstairs and jumped on the treadmill, had a short run, made coffee and breakfast, showered and read the paper, and headed out to the set.  Showed up at 8 am for my call, like a Good Boy, got into makeup and wardrobe, and have been sitting on my ass ever since.

At least I'm inside.

Sounds like it's gonna be a long shoot today; probably will take a break around mid-afternoon then come back this evening.  I may wander back home if we have a few hours; need to start getting my shit packed for my flight tomorrow.  I'll probably be here right up until time to leave for the airport; will just bring my bag with me and catch a car from the set.

Even Dallas is freezing right now.  Hope it's fucking warm by Saturday.

6:30 pm

Trailer

I don't know WHAT the fuck to do with THIS one.

Shit.  Shit shit shit shit shit.

I thought having a daughter was gonna kill me -- Well, Surprise Surprise!  It's the BOY I don't know what the fuck to do with.  I am completely and utterly lost on this one.

Jess has me in between a rock and a hard place.  If I do what I think I should as his parent, he's gonna be embarrassed as hell and seriously pissed at me.  If I do what he wants me to do -- NOT tell his Mother -- and she finds out I'm screwed.  Not to mention what kind of message does that send to the kid?  That he can play me off Dorothea and get his way?

FUCK.

I guess it's a little more complicated than that, but SHIT.  And the girl -- what about HER parents?  Don't they have a right to know what their daughter was up to when she was supposed to be at cheerleading practice or wherever?  And she's one of Steph's friends, so sooner or later this is bound to get back to Dorothea.  The first time Jess does something to piss Steph off, it will be "Oh yeah?  Well, Mom... GUESS what Jesse did?  Oh, didn't Daddy tell you?"

GODDAMMIT!!!!

Okay, deep breath.  Think through it.  Step by step.  Still have a little time before they need me on the set -- at least I can sit here alone in my little tin can and focus.  Or panic.

Had a couple hours' break in shooting so I went home to pack for the weekend.  Got back to the apartment about 4-ish.  When I walked in the door I heard music coming from the back.  I figured maybe Cate forgot to shut off the timer on her iPod dock or something. So I wandered back toward our bedroom, which was quiet. Then I realized the music was coming from one of the other bedrooms.

I followed the noise and discovered it's coming from Jesse's bedroom.  And it's loud.  Oh, he was the one who forgot to turn off his clock radio.  Usually it's Jake.  Didn't think a thing of it, just opened the door to go in and yank the plug out of the wall socket 'cause I can never figure out how to turn those damned things off.

And I walked right in on my eldest son in his bed, screwing some girl's brains out.

Holy Shit.  I just froze like a deer in headlights.  Couldn't believe my eyes.  But when the girl screamed, that woke me up.  Then Daddy-mode kicked in.  Of course the first words out of my mouth were "What the FUCK is going on in here?"

Which was kind of appropriate to the situation, I guess.

Jess practically jumped out of his skin, whipped around so fast I'm surprised he didn't break his dick off.  Of course, he probably went limp the second he heard his Dad's voice anyway.  Holy Fuck, I can only imagine what would have happened if my Old Man had walked in on me screwing some little honey...  Shit.  But then again, I wasn't stupid enough to do it IN MY OWN BED.  Jesus, Kid!

But I guess that's better than hiding out somewhere or going to some roach-infested motel.  At least here they were safe.  Just not from me, apparently.

Anyway, Jess just kind of gasped out "DAD!" then swore up a blue streak.  I didn't even mind the language, I was so shocked myself.  Jess was sitting up in his bed staring at me while his little friend was trying to get the covers up over her head to hide from me.  That's when I realized I probably should avert my eyes -- I don't need an accidental glimpse of some underage girl's tits.  Christ.

Anyway, I somehow channeled John Sr. and barked out an order for both of them to get dressed and get out to the living room.  Then I went out and waited for them.  Holy shit, my heart was pounding and my mouth was dry and my head was spinning.... I had no earthly idea what the fuck I was gonna say to my son and this girl when they showed up.  So I just prayed I'd think of something.

I did what Cate is always reminding me to do -- took a couple deep breaths, closed my eyes, and counted to 10.  It helped a little.  Then I sat down and waited.

About 5 minutes later out comes Jess, by himself.  I told him to go back and bring his guest out to join us.  He silently turned around and kinda slouched back to his room, his head hanging down.  Had to chuckle at that a little bit--that girl did NOT want to come out of his bedroom, at least not while I was around.

Finally Jess came back out, leading this little brunette by the hand.  She was red as a beet, wouldn't look at me.  Somehow I stayed calm, told them both to take a seat.  They did, on the couch opposite the one I was trying to stay planted on.   To Jess' credit he looked me straight in the eye.  The girl looked straight at the floor.  I felt a little bad for her, she was so nervous she was trembling.  But Jess kept holding her hand.

At least he was trying to be a gentleman.  Gotta give him props for that.

I told the two of them I was sorry I yelled at them, but they caught me off-guard.  Then I asked them what the Hell they were thinking, why they were sneaking around for some kind of booty call after school when they both had extra-curriculars they should be attending.  Neither of them had an answer for me, though Jess made the tiniest little hint of a smirk.  Yeah, I know what he was thinking.  Probably "Shit, Dad -- you know exactly what was going through my head.  And which one I was thinking with."

He's not wrong.

We sat there silent for a minute, then I started to feel bad for the girl.  I told her to give me and Jesse a few minutes alone, then he would take her home.  She kinda choked out a "Yes, Sir" and practically ran back to Jesse's bedroom.

So I just sat there and stared at my son for a minute, and he stared back.  I didn't know where to start.  I was still a little shocked at what I walked in on, but now I was mainly just concerned that he was alright and that he understood the seriousness of what he was doing.  I mean, we've had the birds-and-bees talk several times over, so I know he understands the whole deal with sex.  Obviously.  He seemed to be pretty good at it, in fact.  But the thing racing through my mind was "fuck, I hope he used a rubber."

And I hate to admit it, but there was a tiny little voice in my head that was chuckling with pride and saying "That's my Boy!"

That kid, he's something else.  He just sat there and watched me struggle to find the words, then he was the one who said it.   He said "Dad, I'm being careful.  I remember everything you told me.  I always use a condom."

I must have looked like an complete idiot because I know my jaw dropped.  "Dad, I always use a condom?" How long has he been screwing this girl?  And how many others?  Mr. "I Don't Want To Be Tied Down?" Well Fuck -- I guess not!

I tried to gather what wits I could find and nodded and said "good."  Then there was another kind of uncomfortable silence, and I finally put some words together to form a sentence.  I told Jess I was sorry I barged in on him and reacted the way I did, but it never even occurred to me he might be in the room.  Let alone in the middle of sexual intercourse.  In the middle of the afternoon on a Thursday.

God, that felt weird to say.  But at least I didn't say "banging some chick."  Maybe I do have a few parental instincts.

Jess kind of mumbled out an apology, said he knew Cate was gone and he didn't think I'd be home since I cancelled our plans for the hockey game because of filming.  Then he said "But Dad... you know how it is.  You were a teenager once too, remember?"

Damned Kid.  Turning the tables on me.  Fuck yeah, I remember.  Jess will be 16 in a couple weeks, by the time I was his age I had my dick in every piece of pussy I could find.  And I wasn't choosy about when or where, either.  I was one big walking hard-on, and probably about as bright.  So how the hell was I supposed to sit there and lecture him without looking like a complete hypocrite?

So I did all I could do.  I told him yeah, I do remember, but that doesn't mean I didn't do some things I regretted.  (Okay, so maybe that was partly a lie).  And I told him we need to talk about this, since he's now obviously a Man.  But first I need to think about how to handle this situation as his parent.

That made Jess lose a little of that confident cool.  His voice kinda cracked when he asked me "Do you have to tell Mom?"  I turned that around on him and asked him if he thought I should tell his Mother.  He thought for a minute, then shook his head and said "No."

Of course he did.

But the kid had a completely understandable argument.  He said he would be really uncomfortable talking to Dorothea about this; it was something he wanted to keep "just between us guys."

I get that.  God knows when I had "The Talk" with my Dad I was so damned embarrassed, mainly because I already knew everything he was telling me and had done most of it.  But I also remember feeling really close to him, like we shared some kind of secret bond that Mom would never know about.  And every now and then I'd tell him about a girl, about something that happened -- not in graphic detail, of course -- but it was good to feel like we could share something that private, that he would understand.

I want to have that with Jess.  With all my Boys.

But things are different.  It's a different world these kids are growing up in.  And our family is different.  Jess has two homes, one with his mother and one with me.  His mother and I aren't married anymore.  We have our separate lives but we share parenting responsibilities.  And we promised each other long ago, when we divorced, that we'd always be honest with each other about the kids.

So Goddammit, how do I not tell Dorothea what happened?  Jess is still a child, he lives under her roof, she has a right to know.  But from Jesse's perspective he's not a child -- he's a young man who is going through the normal rites of passage.  Christ, when I was Jesse's age the LAST thing I wanted was for my parents -- especially my Mother -- to know was that I was sexually active.  I would have been so fucking embarrassed if she knew.

Well, I'm sure she did know on some level, but she never let on.  Thank God.

And the whole thing with Steph... she and Dorothea talk about sex and love and all that.  And Dorothea won't  give me details, doesn't want to betray Steph's confidence.  Not that I want all the details anyway.  Christ.  I feel like I should treat Jess the same, keep what he tells me between us.  But don't I have to tell Dorothea that something happened, but that I've got it covered?  (If I actually do, that is).

And Holy Shit, what about the Girl?  What if she tells her mother, who then confronts Dorothea?  I can't have D being blindsided by this.  That would be ugly for everyone.

Fuck.  This is one of the hardest things I've faced as a parent, after all these years.  Who knew?

So I left it on "pause."  I told Jess I had to do a few things before I went back to the set, and ordered him to take his Friend home then go straight home and call me from there.  And yes, I would be checking up on him.  I also told him I'd think about what he said, and that he and I would talk later.

If I get out of here at a half-decent hour tonight I'm going to go by Dorothea's and talk to him face-to-face since I won't have the chance tomorrow.  If we're late I guess I'll have to call him to follow up, then sit down with him when I get back on Monday.

No matter what happens today, there are two things I know are going to have to come from this whole escapade.  First, Jess and I are going to have to talk a whole lot more.  He's a man now, and I have to start talking to him like a man.  No more lighthearted teasing about girls swooning over him and him not being interested. He sure as hell is way more than interested.  We need to have the kind of father-son relationship where he can trust me and be open with me, about things that are gonna be uncomfortable and embarrassing.  For him and for me.

And I'm sure I'm gonna have to be more forthcoming and explicit about my past too.  Hell, Jess has seen the pictures and heard the stories, but now we're gonna have to talk about them.  I guess that's the curse of being a "Recovering Rock God."  Someday you have to atone for your sins.

Second, I'm gonna have to figure out how I really feel about this, and how to approach this as a father.  I guess it's time for me to grow up, huh?  Fuck, I don't like that idea.  Not one bit.

Karma really can be a Bitch.

Okay, I gotta try to shove this out of my mind for awhile, get my head into my character for this scene so we can get out of here at a reasonable hour.  Nobody wants to do 100 takes, least of all me.