Tuesday, Februrary 22

2:20 am
Bed

Home feels good.

Flew straight in from the show.  Couldn't wait to feel the plane's wheels touch down in Jersey.  All I've wanted to do since this afternoon is get through the show so we could fly home.  So I could walk in my front door and crawl in bed with my wife and get a nice, sweet Welcome Home.

It kinda worked out that way.  Not quite like I planned, but just fine.

Had a ball with Jess this weekend, now he's snoring away in his room down the hall.  Cate picked up his clothes and school stuff from Dorothea today and brought it over here.  She's much better about thinking of shit like that than I am -- I just assumed I'd drop Jess off at his mother's at 1 am.  Didn't think twice about that until Cate texted me this evening before the show, that she had everything taken care of.  So after we landed Jess just came home with me.

At least he's actually sleeping in that room this time, ha ha.  Gonna be a bitch to get him up and off to school in the morning, but somehow I'll manage.  I hope.

As for my welcome home, Cate was very happy to see me.  She always wakes up when I come in, no matter what time it is.  Must be those cop Spidey-senses.  She can be in a dead sleep and BAM!  She's awake the second she hears the key in the lock.  It's like she has some kind of internal alarm.

Not that I'm complaining.  I barely had the bedroom door closed when she ordered me to strip and get into bed.  She was already naked and warmed up and waiting for me.  We had to be quiet with Jess still wandering around the house -- I could hear him raiding the fridge -- but that just made it that much sexier.

My wife definitely has skills, ha ha.  And she didn't waste any time, either.  She had her way with me, said "Welcome home, Baby," then curled up and went to sleep.  I swear she's purring in her slumber, she has a contented little smile on those pretty lips.  And I'm sitting here scribbling in my book, not ready to turn out the light yet.

Jeez, I kinda feel.... used.

I like it.  Heh heh.


9:45 pm
Home

I feel like the sky is falling.  Like all the happy dreams I've had lately are being ripped away.  And there's not a single damned thing I can do about it.

I don't know how Cate's being so calm about this.  She says she's not worried, but I'm fucking scared to death.  She's known for a few days, but didn't want to tell me when I was on the road.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I feel like she should have told me the minute she found out, but I'm also glad she didn't because I would have wanted to haul ass to the airport and get home immediately even though there's nothing I can do.

Probably better she didn't tell me before now, for both our sakes.  I'm sure I would have driven her crazy.  Hell, I'm sure I'm driving her crazy NOW.  But I can't help it.

Cate took me out for dinner tonight.  I picked her up from the office and we went to one of my favorite places, that quiet little bistro off Bleeker.  I should have known something was up.  She was so quiet and gentle, just kept holding my hand and giving me this kinda sad, almost apologetic smile.  She knew I wasn't going to take this well, so she tried to do it easy.

We sat down side by side in the booth, ordered our drinks and meals, then she turned and gave me a long look and dropped the news.

She had another abnormal Pap result.  She's having a cervical biopsy Friday morning.

I swear, my heart just jumped into my throat and my brain shut down when I heard the word "biopsy."  That's what they do when they think people have Cancer.

My wife may have Cancer.

I must have gone white as a ghost because Cate looked really worried.   But she knows me.  She was holding my hand and just kept stroking her fingertips over my arm like she does, trying to soothe me.  She didn't say anything else until after I spoke.  She knew I needed to be ready to listen.

When she did finally explain, she had to tell me everything at least 3 times for me to get it through my thick skull.  That was after I started breathing again.  She was so calm, so matter-of-fact.  Hell, she still is.  She's acting like this is just another routine blood test or something.  Jesus, HOW can she be so calm?

Cate told me her Doc assured her she has observed no abnormalities or signs of Cancer in her physical exams.  She tried to make me smile by saying she has a "perfect pussy."  I didn't find that funny at all -- or a relief.    When Cate saw I wasn't receptive to her humor, she very gently and seriously reassured me hasn't had any symptoms at all.  No pain or unusual bleeding or anything like that... her periods have been regular as a Swiss watch.  She said she feels absolutely fine.

Apparently Cate's Doc is doing this merely as a precaution, because she's a little concerned that Cate has now had 3 abnormal Pap tests in a row, inside a year.  If she does have anything wrong... like Cancer.... it's in the very early stages and is very treatable.

My wife may have Cancer.  God, I can't believe I'm thinking that.

And even worse, I feel like a total Shit because the second she told me, the thought that flashed through my head was "But we're gonna have a Baby."  What kind of selfish fucking Prick thinks about how his own dream of having another kid may not happen when his wife tells him she may have Cancer?

I'm such an Asshole.

But my strong, logical, Cop Wife doesn't see it that way.  She could read my mind, I swear.  She gave me a little smile and laid her hand on my cheek and said she sees this little procedure as just a speed bump in the road on the way to us becoming a family.

I watched her eyes as she was explaining all this to me, while I was trying not to lose my fucking mind.  She honestly believes every word she was saying to me, that she's fine, that it's all going to be just fine.  No sadness, no spark of fear in her gaze whatsoever.  It's like she refuses to think about what this could mean.

I couldn't help myself.  I asked her why she was being so calm, why she wasn't upset or scared or angry or  something.  She just kinda sighed and gave me a little smile and rubbed my arm and squeezed my hand.  Then she reminded me that she has dodged bullets and fought hand-to-hand with bad guys.  That she survived being shot.  And she's still here.  She really does believe her Doc, that this is just a precautionary procedure.

I asked her how she could be so sure.

"I'm not, Baby," she said.  "I just have Faith."

The way she said it, so quietly but so confidently, it somehow calmed me down.  It's like if she doesn't believe it can happen, it won't.  Hell, she almost makes me believe.

I'm usually the one getting through by sheer force of will.  I guess we really are alike, my Wife and I.

So Friday morning I'm driving Cate to her Gyno's office and I'm going to sit there and hold her hand through the whole damned procedure.  She didn't even argue with me.  I know she doesn't need me there, she can do it just fine alone.  But she knows I need to be there.  That's why she waited for me to get home to tell me, and why she scheduled the procedure for when I can go with her.  That's my Cate, thinking of me first, before herself.

The way she explained it this colposcopy thing is kinda like a colonoscopy but quicker and practically painless.  She won't even need a sedative or anesthesia.  It's like a pelvic exam with a camera.  And I guess they do the biopsy while they're in there looking around. I'm sure it won't exactly be comfortable for Cate, laying there with her legs up in the stirrups with me watching.  But it won't be like I'm down there over the Doc's shoulder.  I'm gonna be looking into her eyes the whole time, telling her I love her.

For over an hour we talked about this, me asking the same questions over and over and her patiently answering them over and over.  We hardly ate -- my appetite disappeared the second she said the word "biopsy."  But she made me have some wine and a few bites of my chicken and told me to try to relax.  Two and a half glasses of wine later I was calmed down some, but I still feel like I was punched in the gut.

Cate told me she wasn't going to make me promise not to worry because she knows that's a promise I can't keep.  But I did vow to try not to dwell on this.  Try.  That's all I can do.  God knows that will be hard enough.

At least I'll be home with her for the next few days, not floating around from city to city and show to show.  We have the Garden Thursday and Friday night, then Saturday off before we head down to DC.  Cate's coming with me to all 3 shows.   Assuming she feels up to it, anyway.

I have a feeling it's more to keep an eye on me than it is for her to enjoy the shows.

Anyway, I promised to try not to worry, so that's what I'm doing.  Trying.  When she comes back in here from her shower I'm gonna wrap my arms around her and hold her and not say anything more about it, unless she wants to talk.

I just have to have Faith.