Friday, May 20

1:15 pm

Plane

Headed for BeerTown.  Two more stops and then we're HOME.

Getting so antzy I can hardly stand it.  Can't wait to sleep in my own bed.  To play with my kids.  To knock up my Wife.  Heh heh.

Gonna be a crazy couple weeks before we head across The Pond, but I'm ready.  Bring it on.

Speaking of Crazy, my Band is trying to drive me there, bunch of SmartAsses that they are.  No sign of the fucking glasses today, but no show tonight.  Apparently there's some sort of rule that they only appear during soundcheck.  

And I'll be damned if I can figure out where the Hell they're hiding them the rest of the time.  I snuck into Matt's room and rummaged around in his luggage, nothing.  Checked out the guys' wardrobe cases, Nada.

Where the fuck do they go?  As many damned people as are wearing them -- not to mention the bowties and original Grouchos -- there's gotta be a big fucking box of them someplace.  If only I could find it and hide it, then I'd have the last laugh.  Har-dee-har-har, Motherfuckers.

Of course now they have something else to give me shit about -- literally.  Came back to my room this morning from the gym to find a fine assortment of "toilet necessities" had been delivered to my room.  A dozen jars of prune juice,  every type of laxative on known to man (and some I'm not sure were actually laxatives), and even a twin-pack of Fleet Enemas and a business card for some "therapeutic colonic" place.  What the fuck?  No fucking thank you!  I could go for a month without taking a dump and not go anywhere near one of those places.

I also received about 150 fucking rolls of toilet paper and a big Costco-sized box of Depens adult diapers.  "Just in case," according to the Anonymous card.  Assholes don't even have the balls to sign their names.  Like I don't know who it is anyway.  Davey knocked on my door and handed me one of those sanitary toilet seat covers this morning, then just turned around and left.  Didn't say a word.  Asswipe.

Okay, so my constipation is a source of humor.  I can see that, given the timing.  I laughed.  Once.  As for the pranks, very fucking funny.  ONCE.  If this shit shows up in my room in Milwaukee heads are gonna roll.

And I'm staying away from the cheese in Wisconsin, just in case.

Of course Cate was absolutely no fucking support whatsoever.  When I told her what happened she laughed so hard she could hardly breathe.  Traitor.

Since Cate laughed at me I told her I don't feel sorry for her, after the evening she had last night.  Turns out the Chuckleheads were in full form at our house, rampaging through the place and leaving a swath of destruction in their wake.  Cate finally had to put Jakey in time-out and had to "take away" Russell from Romeo.  

I'm not quite sure how you confiscate an imaginary pet but somehow my Wife managed to do it.  For 15 minutes Russell was Cate's captive, and Romeo was NOT happy.  But he sat his ass down and behaved after she did that.  As for Jakey, he's still pouting, apparently.  Cate said he's being a total Diva, just like his Daddy can be.  Hey, I resemble that remark.

By the time Dorothea and Steph got to Cate's to pick the Boys up Cate was ready to drink.  I can relate.

When I jokingly asked Cate if she still wanted to have my kid after the evening she had with the two that are already in existence she shot me back a pretty funny answer.  She said I better keep my fucking Y chromosome to myself, ha ha.  

Okay, I'll go along with that one. I'm all for having a nice, sweet, quiet Little Girl.  If that happens I guess she'll be nothing like either of her parents, ha ha.

Davey's peeking around his seat at me, grinning like he's up to something.  Those damned blond curls are bouncing and he looks evil.  He better be fucking cool.  I let him sing his damned song last night, he owes me.

Ah -- there it is.  Over the intercom.  "This is your Captain.  We have reached cruising altitude and the seat belt sign has been turned off.  The crapper is now available for your use, Mister Bongiovi.  Be sure to enjoy the provided refreshments and assortment of reading material while you..... work things out."

HA HA HA Very fucking funny.

Remember, Bryan... payback = BITCH.