Monday, June 6

11:20 pm
Zagreb
Hotel

Jesus Christ.  I haven't even hardly been gone a day and it's already begun.  If this keeps up it's gonna be a damned long 2 months -- for everybody.

I'm jetlagged to hell, completely confused what the fuck time or day it is, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck. And now on top of that I'm sitting here in my room feeling like the worst Daddy in the world.  I'm a selfish, egotistical Prick who's out playing Rock Star instead of home playing with my Kids.

Okay, I know that's overreacting, but I still feel like somebody stomped on my heart.

I just got off the phone with Romey.  He had a complete meltdown at school today, Dorothea had to go pick him up early.  He just lost it, ran off from his classroom screaming and crying.  Bolted out onto the playground and climbed up on top of the slide and just sat there.  Dorothea said the school counselor went out and sat down at the bottom of the slide talking to him, trying to calm him down.  It took her almost 20 minutes before she could coax him down.

He's physically fine, but I guess me going away again after all the craziness of this last week was just too much for him.  He told Dorothea I don't want to be around him now, because he's not a Big Kid like Steph and Jess and he's not my favorite, like Jakey.  I guess he's been feeling left out these last couple weeks, with Jake's birthday and the Prom and Steph's graduation and all the stuff that's gone along with that.  And now I feel like a complete Bastard for not seeing that he needed some extra attention, a little more one-on-one with me.

Of course D explained to him how much I love him and miss him and can't wait to come home to see him again.  She even told him that white lie every parent sooner or later lets slip, that he's actually my Secret Favorite Kid.  But I guess it didn't help.  Romeo was having none of it, refuses to believe that until he hears it from Daddy.  In person.

Dorothea took him home and talked to him a little more.  He was still moping around so she thought maybe he just needed some one-on-one time with her since she's kinda been shuffling him off to the side the past week too, with all the stuff she had to do for Steph's graduation.  So D was gonna have Jess watch Jakey while she took Romey out for pizza.  A little date with Mommy usually cheers him up.

Well, they were getting ready to walk out the door and all Hell broke loose.  Romey went into a panic, started tearing all over the house looking under chairs and in corners and in cupboards and basically leaving a path of destruction in his wake.  Dorothea chased him all over and he ran into his room and crawled under his bed.

She sat in there with him for awhile and finally got him to come out and stop sobbing enough to tell her what was wrong.

He was in a panic because he couldn't find Russell.  His imaginary pet ferret was missing.

How does that even happen?

Anyway, Dorothea didn't know what the Hell to do to calm him down, so she finally asked Romeo if he wanted to talk to me.  He said yeah and they tried to call my iPhone, but I was talking to Cate.  So she texted Matt, he sent her the number for the hotel and my room number.  Apparently I was an idiot in my jet-lagged haze and forgot to text it to her like I usually do.  Then Matt came down and pounded on my door about the same time as my phone was ringing, to tell me to pick it up.

So I've got Cate on one phone, D on the other, and Matty standing in my room worried about his nephew.  I handed my iPhone to him and he started talking to Cate, I got on the line with D and got a run-down of the situation, then I started talking to Romey.

Jesus, it just broke my heart to hear his little sobs.  Poor Buddy could hardly talk, he was crying so hard.  It made me start crying.  I swear I was about ready to say "fuck it" to the rest of this damned tour and order Matt to call the pilot and get the plane started up, we're going home.

But I knew I couldn't do that so I just took a deep breath and swallowed hard and tried to talk Romeo down.  I told him how much I love him and miss him and how I can't wait to come home and go to the beach with him later this summer.  I asked him what he wanted me to bring him from the different countries we're going to, but he wasn't the least bit interested in presents.  He just kept saying he wanted me to come home, and that he lost his best friend because he was sure Russell ran away.

So then it became "find the ferret" time.  I asked Romey if he looked under his bed, he said yes.  In his pillowcase where Russell likes to sleep?  Yes, no Russell.  How about the bathroom?  No Russell.  And on and on we went.

Romey started to calm down a little, then he started actually going and looking in the places I was asking him about, taking the phone with him.  It was so damned sweet, and it was killing me.  "Hey Buddy -- did you look in the front hall closet?  He likes to hide in Jesse's stinky shoes, remember?"  "Wait a minute, Daddy...." and I could hear him running and opening the door.  Then "No, he's not here."

That went on for a good 15 minutes.  At least Romey stopped crying, but he still sounded miserable.  Finally he said "Oh, Daddy, he ran away.  I miss him so much."

I lost it.  Had to cover the mouthpiece of the phone so he couldn't hear me crying.  I wiped my eyes and looked up at Matty and he had tears in his eyes too.  He was still talking to Cate, telling her what was going on, and he musta told her I didn't know what to say to Romey because all of a sudden he nodded and pointed at me, then at my suitcase.  Then he went over and started pawing through my damned clothes, still talking on my damned phone to my Wife.

I just sat there and stared at him, going What the Fuck?  Then Romey asked me if I knew anywhere else Russell could be and it clicked.  I jumped up and tried to go over to where Matty was rooting through my suitcase but the phone cord wouldn't reach that far (fucking old phone).

I told Romey to hang on, Uncle Matty and I thought we heard something in my suitcase.  Could it be?  It... it IS!  Russell is here with me, in Croatia!  Somehow he snuck into my suitcase before I closed it up last night and went to the airplane.  He came on tour with us.

Romeo started giggling in my ear.  And my heart broke a little more.  But it sounded so damned sweet, I just kept going.  I told Romeo maybe Russell wanted to come to Europe with me to see what it's like to be a Rock Star Ferret.  And to find Girl Ferrets.  And to eat spaghetti in Italy and to ride on a magic carpet in Turkey.

And on it went, me coming up with some crazy-ass theory as to why there is now an imaginary ferret in my hotel room, sitting on Uncle Matty's shoulder and crawling over his bald head. We covered what Russell can do with us on tour and Romey told me how I need to take care of him, what he eats, what he likes to do, how often I need to give him a bath, yadda yadda yadda.  The whole deal.

Jesus, an imaginary weasel is a lot of damned work.

But by the end of the call Romey sounded like he felt a lot better.  And I missed him even more.  I promised to text him a photo of Russell every day until we come home, so he can see what that Crazy Ferret is doing.  (How the Hell I'm gonna do that, I'm not quite sure).  And I told him again, through my tears, how much I love him and I miss him and how I can't wait to come home to him.

So after the call I talked to Dorothea a little bit, then she and Romey headed out on their date.  When I hung up the phone Matt and I just sat there and stared at each other for a minute, then we busted out laughing.  He said Cate was the one who suggested maybe Russell stowed away with me on my trip, maybe he was hiding in my suitcase.

Apparently Idiocy runs in the family, because I don't know what the Hell possessed Matty to actually start rooting through my suitcase for a fucking imaginary ferret.  Or what made me jump up to try to help him.  I guess it's the Daddy instinct.  When one of your Babies is upset you'll do all kind of goofy things to make them better.  Matty's not immune to it either; he does the same stupid shit for his kids as I do for mine.

That or it's the fucking jetlag.

Once the crisis was under control Matt said he was heading for the bar.  I took a pass, told him I need to get Russell settled for the night before I call Cate back and say goodnight.

After he left I stuck a pair of my sweat socks into the pillowcase of one of the fifteen pillows on my bed.  I took a picture of the weasel-shaped lump and texted it to D for Romey.  D texted me back a message from Romey, saying to be careful not to squish Russell when I go to bed.  So I actually picked up the pillow with the socks in it and laid it very carefully on the couch, where Russell can slumber peacefully.

Jesus, I gotta try to get some damned sleep.