1:15 am
Back Corner of Bar
Dear Diary:
I just played a big concert in the rain for thousands of people who screamed and yelled and clapped and cheered while I sang to them. They all think I'm handsome and funny even though I'm not really funny at all and I dance like a white boy with a stick up my ass, especially with this bionic leg.
It was the Best Day Ever.
But I'm counting my lucky stars. I realize I'm one Lucky Fuck. I live a charmed life.
I have a gorgeous redheaded Shiksa Goddess wife with a great rack who can kill me with her pinky finger. For some reason she chooses not to. She loves me in spite of my temper tantrums, my brittle joints, and my smaller-than-average penis. And the gray hairs on my ass. I don't know what she sees in a loudmouth egomaniac like me, honestly I don't.
I would think my Hot Babe Wife would be more attracted to strong, sexy, musical geniuses with curly sunshine locks and sparkling eyes that are blue as the sky. The kind of guy who makes accordions and just about everything else on the face of the Earth look unbearably sexy. The kind of guy who knows how to treat a woman, how to put her on a pedestal and make her the center of the Universe. The kind of guy who is hung like a Champion Clydesdale Stallion.
But for some reason she likes scrawny Italians with thinning hair and big noses.
I'm also damned lucky that I have the best fucking keyboard player and musical genius of the world in my band. Honestly, I'd be just another Justin Beiber or Backstreet Boy if it weren't for David Bryan. He's amazingly talented, incredibly generous, and so handsome I'm surprised he doesn't have to swat modeling contract offers away like flies. David Bryan is so good-looking even I would date him, if I swung that way.
And from what I hear he can more than satisfy the ladies. A couple at a time. All night, every night. Heh heh.
Man, I wish I was as cool and handsome and funny and smart and talented as David Bryan. But the Good Lord didn't make me like that; after David Bryan they broke the mold. The world can only have one perfect specimen, after all.
David Bryan is my Hero.
He's ever so dreamy.
XOXO
Johnny B.
12:50 pm
Suite
Fucking Lemma.
I gotta stop leaving this thing laying around.
LOL!!! Looks like David found Jonny's journal.
ReplyDeleteAgain, another post that is killing me with laughter.....I really love your humour Catte!
"But for some reason she likes scrawny Italians with thinning hair and big noses."
Classic line! Shona :)
LMFAO! I was beginning to wonder if Jonny was a little bit drunk upon writing this, til I got right to the "Honestly, I'd be just another Justin Beiber or Backstreet Boy if it weren't for David Bryan." HAHA. You shouldn't leave your diary around for the Joker to find and play! Remember when Jakey and Romey got a hold of it? :p
ReplyDeletexx
Oh Lordy how in the world did DB get his hands on Jon's journal? Jon perhaps you should move to the techno age and use an ipad or something more secure LOL - Lemma he's going to get you one of these days.
ReplyDeleteROFLMAO!!!!
ReplyDeleteFor a moment there I thought Jonny ODed on his pain pills!
Dave, baby....anytime you're ready to "get" rid of your blonde Shiksa...hahaha...I'm waiting!
I LOVE IT!!!!! I thought at first that Jon was having to write that as a form of apology for thinking David was behind the cookies...your version was much better! That would be why you are so good at this and I read it all the time!!! Thank you!!! :)
ReplyDeleteLaughing out loud! Very good chapter Cate! God I love this journal! You are an excellent writer, keep up the good work as I'm addicted ;)
ReplyDeletehahahahaha you're the best
ReplyDeleteLMAO! You had me thinking WTH??? That was great! -ferfy0
ReplyDelete