Thursday, June 16

5:40 am
Bed

Woke up heart pounding, drenched with sweat.  Scared to fucking death.  Don't know why, other than a nightmare.  I can't remember the dream, no details other than I was panicking because I couldn't find Cate.

I had to call her to be sure she's okay.  She is.  Thank God.

She talked me down, told me she wishes she was here to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me everything's okay, like I do for her when she has night terrors.  But since she can't do that, she said she'd stay on the phone with me as long as I want.

She told me about her day, asked me about the show, talked about the news and the weather and stuff... just everyday normal stuff to calm me down.  Reminded me she'll be with me in a week.  Asked me what kind of things we might have time to do when she visits, where we can go to spend some time alone.

It helped.  Hearing her voice, thinking ahead to when she's here... it brought me back to reality.  Made me realize everything's really okay.  But it took awhile for my pulse to slow down.

After about 20 minutes I told her to go to sleep.  I could hear how tired she was in her voice.  I know she didn't get home until after 10 and tomorrow morning she's gotta catch a flight.

I told her to call me back when she wakes up, tell me good morning.  I'll probably be getting ready to head to Finland, we'll have time to talk.  Or she can call me from the airport if she doesn't have time when she's running out the door.

And now I don't want to go back to sleep.  Afraid of what I may dream about.

Gonna take a shower.  Sleep later.

2:15 pm
Suite

I'm tired as hell.

Didn't go back to sleep.  Went to the gym instead, then a long shower, then hit the spa for a massage before lunch.  My body feels good, but my brain is beat.

I'll take a nap on the plane.

If I can sleep, that is.  Talked to Cate this morning when she was at the airport waiting for her flight.  Knowing where she's going ain't gonna help me relax.  Well, kinda knowing.  She gave me enough clues to make me realize what's going on, but of course she can't give me details.  Especially not over the phone.

She said she's going to Puerto Rico.  Idiot that I am, I said "Oh, that's nice.  Maybe you'll get a little time on the beach."  And she said "No, Baby.  I'm going to Puerto Rico."

It took me a minute but her words and her tone sunk in through my thick skull.  She's not really going to Puerto Rico. She's going back to wherever the Hell it was that she got attacked.  Great.  Her first trip out of the country since that awful experience, and she's gotta go back there.

I really fucking hate her job sometimes.

She said she doesn't want me to worry, it's a quick trip, in and out for a meeting.  Fly in today, work tomorrow, back home Saturday.  Not an Op.  But she thought she should tell me.  She sounded a little strange, kinda like she's nervous.  That's not like Cate.  She's usually completely calm and controlled.

I asked her what was wrong and she told me she's just tired.  I think that's bullshit; she's obviously uncomfortable going back there.  But what the Hell can I say or do about it?  It's her job, her case, her life.  She'd just get pissed if I complained about it, and she doesn't need that.  I don't need that.  So I just gotta  bite my tongue and beg her to keep in close touch with me, let me know she's okay.

She promised to check in as much as she can, probably by text.  No Skype even though Cate has her laptop; doesn't want to take a chance of tipping off her location.  She said she'll call me too, at least once a day.  With the time change it's gonna be difficult but we'll manage.

She's on her plane now, I'm heading for mine soon.

Next Friday can't get here soon enough.