Thursday, June 23

5:30 pm
Suite

Is it EVER gonna stop fucking RAINING?

Jesus Christ.  Had a little bit of sun this morning, now it's back to cloudy and gray and the weatherman's saying more rain tonight.  May catch a break for tomorrow night's show, but rain forecasted for Hyde Park on Saturday too.

Another soggy show at Murrayfield last night.  It's driving me absolutely fucking nuts to have to watch every single damned step I take on the stage, to not be able to go out on the ramp because it's wet and slick.  I feel like I'm doing these shows half-assed because I can't dance and run around, even though I know my voice is spot-on.

Cate told me not to worry, I'm certainly full-assed.  Or maybe she said I'm being a full-on Ass.  That was probably it.  She's had enough of my whining about this fucking brace.  Though she's still glad to be here with me instead of back home by herself.

For better AND for worse, Baby.  Ha ha.

Yesterday I showed up for soundcheck and got another surprise.  Two, actually.  The first one was a gift from PK and the crew -- a brand new, pimped-out rock-and-roll cane for the Old Crippled Geezer.  Apparently Dawn and Abby fixed it up -- it's got a big-ass silver skull at the top.  Looks like something from a Harry Potter movie.  Or part of Alice's stage show.

Ha ha, now that's a thought.  Wonder what the fans would think if I limped out on stage with my big scary cane a top hat and freaky-eyed makeup and a boa constrictor wrapped around my shoulders.  And a leather codpiece.  Now THAT would get some press, ha ha.

No More Mister Nice Guy.  Heh heh.  Jonny's Little Shop of Horrors.

The other surprise wasn't quite as an affectionate gesture.  More of a Fuck-with-the-Lead-Singer deal.  I went up onstage to start the check and found my mic stand was missing.  In its place was one of those old-man walkers.  You know, the cage thingie, with tennis balls on the feet so it doesn't clomp around?  And welded to the front crossbar of the thing was half a mic stand, with my cordless sitting right in the clamp.  It was the perfect height, all I had to do was go lean on the walker and the head was right at my lips.

And the whole thing was spray-painted white.

Fucking Smartass Bryan.

So it was a weird soundcheck.  I refused to clomp around in the walker in the rain, just took the mic and hobbled along with my skull-stick.  Asked Cate what she wanted to hear; she told me she likes that I've been doing Wild is the Wind lately.  Apparently it's her favorite song off New Jersey.

Huh.  Learn something new about my Wife everyday.  Or maybe I knew that already and just wasn't paying attention when she told me.  That's the more likely scenario, ha ha.

So I did Wind for her in soundcheck, and added it to the acoustic set.  It works pretty nice, I think.

After soundcheck we hung out, did the press stuff and photo ops with the opening act contest winners, met some VIPs, all that shit.  I managed to sneak Cate away to my dressing room for a little makeout session before I had to start getting my head in the game.

Oh, and I asked Dawn about the weird fortune cookies.  She told me she has no earthly idea what I'm talking about -- sexy fortunes?  I didn't have the evidence from the last couple cookies on me, so I told her she had to take my word for it.

Well, Dawn was completely confused so she pulled out her big cookie box and told me to pick one out and open it, see what it says.  I did, and got some usual boring prediction like "an unexpected visitor will grace your home" or some shit like that.  So I picked out 2 more, totally at random, and got other boring shit.

WTF?  Now Dawn thinks I'm crazy.  She tried to humor me, though.  Said maybe a couple "non-standard" cookies got mixed in with the "inspirational" ones she ordered.  I guess this new place has certain theme packs of cookies, for different events.  Maybe they have a "dirty cookie" pack or something.

Anyway, I figured she was right, until I broke open last night's cookie and it said "Champagne can tickle the throat... and so can you."

Now THAT's a dirty fortune.

I showed it to Cate and she just laughed and told me to relax, Dawn's probably right.  Just a minor mix-up with the bakery.  And she said I should be flattered, because it's not exactly a prediction, it's reality.

Well, she does have a point there.  So I told her to prove it to me again.  Heh heh.  Make my fortune come true.

She told me to get over myself and earn a fucking blowjob.  Ouch.

Maybe tonight, ha ha.  Stevie and Maureen are in town; we're going out to the theater and late dinner with them.  A nice play, a candlelight dinner, some good wine and great company... maybe that will put the Missus in The Mood.

Then we can come back here and she can polish my Pimp-Stick.  Heh heh.