Monday, January 31

1:55 pm
Office

OH
MY
GOD
FUCKING
KILL
ME
NOW

I
AM
SO
FUCKING
SICK
OF
PHONERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear, I have NO IDEA what answers I've given to some of these stupid-ass questions.

My mind has been wandering off to every random topic imaginable.

Vanilla ice cream.  Athlete's foot.  The beach.  Getting an oil change done on the Mercedes.  Austin Powers.  That stripper with the green g-string back in Australia.  The Super Bowl.  Ordering Chinese food for dinner.

HOLY SHIT I'm bored.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.......

Fuck, I still have four more of these damned things to do.

Think I'll grow a beard.

Starting now.


10:05 pm
My Office

Cate's quiet tonight.  

In a good way, though.  Content.  Peaceful.  Thoughtful.

Thank God.  Don't think I could handle another marathon-bang like yesterday, ha ha.  Even Superman needs some downtime.

Apparently I satisfied her.  Heh heh.

Today was long and grueling but I survived all the damned phoners and a conference call about tour crap--with everything going on in Egypt who the hell knows what's gonna happen by the time we're supposed to hit that region in April.  And we're getting ready to announce new dates, so the promoter's in a frenzy, Matty and the FC people are bracing themselves.  I honestly just don't care--that's why I hire people to handle this shit.  They're the A-Team, the best in the business, so they'll do it right.  But it's my name on the marquee so I gotta know, I guess.  God knows I'll be the first person everybody points the finger at when there's the first tiny hiccup.

The whole time I was on the call couldn't get chicken lo mein out of my head, ha ha.  Pretty sad state of affairs when the Boss/CEO is daydreaming about dinner instead of listening to the best-laid plans. All day I craved Chinese food.  No idea why.  So when Cate got home we ordered in.  Curled up on the couch together with our bowls and chopsticks and watched TV and fed each other noodles and egg rolls.  It was sweet.

Gonna have to stop eating all this salty, starchy shit when I get back on the road.  Can feel myself getting soft and doughy.  I've been good about working out but it's been comfort food since Christmas.  Time to get back to chicken and fish and salads and brown rice.

Though Cate and I have been burning a few calories together, heh heh.

I'm gonna miss her when I go back out.  I always miss her, but this time it's gonna be harder, I think.  I'm gonna miss our first wedding anniversary.  And just knowing we may be taking a big step with our relationship has me so happy and excited it's gonna be hard to keep my head in the game.

Earlier we were stretched out on the couch together watching TV.  Cate was snuggled up against me and she had her head on my shoulder.  She unbuttoned my shirt and was stroking her fingers over my chest like she does.  She doesn't even realize she does it sometimes; I think it's just one of her little self-soothing habits.  She wasn't paying any attention to the TV, she was so deep in thought she didn't even realize I was watching her.

But she was ruffling her fingertips through my chest hair, then she started playing with my necklace.  She gently sorted apart all the tags, lining them up side by side on my chest.  Mine, hers, Dorothea's, the hearts for Steph and Jess and Jake and Romey.  She kinda got a little bittersweet smile as she touched each of the kids' charms in turn, then let her fingertip linger on my skin, where the next charm would be if there was one lined up beside Romeo's.  Where there would be another charm for another child.

I just laid there for a minute and watched her, then I asked her what she was thinking about.  That brought her back.  She smiled again and shrugged, then kissed my chest before she answered.  So quietly, so sweetly... the look on her face just made my heart soar.  "Our Baby," she said.

I must have looked really happy because she giggled, then very quickly clarified that she hasn't made a decision yet, she was still considering all the angles.  I told her that was okay, to take her time because this is a big decision that she should be sure about.  But inside I was jumping for joy that Cate seemed so hopeful and optimistic as she talked about the possibility of going through with this.  Then I asked her to tell me what she's been thinking about for the past few days, what's been going through her mind.

She was kinda hesitant at first, but she told me she's been replaying our conversation from the beach in her head, over and over.  She's been thinking a lot about what I said about being able to do whatever it would take for us to get pregnant, starting off with me getting my vasectomy reversed.  I must have looked guilty, because she immediately asked me "What?" when I didn't answer that right away.

My wife and her damned body-language-reading skills.

I admitted I had talked to my Doc about maybe getting the reversal done, and told her what he said.  She also got a chuckle when I told her he didn't believe me about our sex life.  But I didn't tell her about my conversation with my balls, ha ha.  Some things are just between me and the Boys.

Cate asked a few questions about Doc's recommendations, and asked me if that was something I was really okay with.  I told her I'm ready to do it right now, if that's what she wants.  Hell, I offered to let her do it to me with a pair of blunt chopsticks right there on the couch, ha ha.

I also told Cate I've had babies on the brain too.  How every time I see one I just smile and wonder if maybe someday soon we'll be pushing a stroller.  She seemed almost embarrassed to admit she's been doing the same thing.  She said she feels weird about being so tuned-in to babies, since she never really noticed them before.  She said suddenly it's like they're everywhere.

I guess that's something I never thought about from Cate's perspective.  This is all really new for her.  She never thought twice about having a child until just a few months ago.  No wonder she's been so quiet and introspective.  It must be hard to her, to try to come to terms with the idea that maybe she's not the woman she always thought she was.

Cate's always been tough, strong, somewhat unemotional and detached.  She is who she is because of years of training and the hard lessons of her profession and her life.  She's always been able to separate her emotions from her actions and her logical mind.  At least until I came along, or so she says.  Since we've been together she's finally allowed herself to soften, to relax, to become a woman.  Not just a female --  a woman, with needs and desires and an open heart and a nurturing instinct.

And now she's facing the truth of her womanhood -- the desire to have a baby.  I know it must have scared the shit out of her the first time she realized maybe she does want a child.   It probably upset her even more than what happened with Steph, more than what Dorothea said to her, the accusation she flung in Cate's face.  I believe Cate when she said Dorothea's words didn't hurt her.  But her own reaction to them rattled her.  Big Time.

The relief in her eyes when we finally talked about this told me everything.  She was afraid I wouldn't understand.  And now she realizes not only do I understand, I support her and I want the same thing she thinks she may want.

And if she ultimately decides she doesn't want a baby I'll understand that too.

I'll be disappointed, but I'll understand.

So tonight we laid there on the couch and talked about the pros and cons.  I told her everything the Doc said and what I thought about getting un-snipped, including how the procedure went the first time around.  That gave her a few giggles.  She told me she's pretty sure everything is normal with her too, though she didn't specifically discuss the possibility of pregnancy with her Doc.

Then we talked some about our jobs.  Cate doesn't really care so much about having a baby impacting her professionally.  She already walked away from her shot at ever becoming one of her agency's Top Dogs a couple years back, when she turned down her promotion and Branch Chief job at the Center to come here with me.  She's more concerned about how she'll be able to juggle motherhood and the demands of her job in terms of hours and travel and all that stuff.  I told her we'll work it out, hire a Nanny or do whatever it takes.

As for my job, the biggest thing right now is when the hell I'd have time to get the vasectomy reversal done.  The procedure itself won't take much, but the recovery time would be the issue.  We're on the road until the end of  July, a big chunk of it overseas.  And I can't dance around and shake my ass with a bag of frozen peas stuffed down my pants, ha ha.

Then we allowed ourselves to dream a little bit, about what our daughter would look like and what her name would be.  Apparently "Roxanne" is a no-go with Cate too.  Dammit.

It was a good talk, open and honest and heartfelt and hopeful.  I reminded Cate whatever she wants to do I'm fine with, and I reminded myself not to push her.  She has to come to this in her own time, in her own way.

I hope it's soon.

Sunday, January 30

11:10 pm
Bed

I think my wife is trying to kill me.

Holy crap, what a weekend.  Turns out once Cate gets over her I'm-sick-leave-me-the-fuck-alone-or-I'll-kill-you-with-my-bare-hands phase she has a kinda mellow phase... then she gets horny.  REALLY horny.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.  But I'm exhausted.  And sore.  In fact, I'm hiding from her now, so she won't demand I service her YET again.  Jesus, three times in the past 24 hours is enough, ain't it?

And gee, she'll never find me here, hiding under the covers.  Naked.  Heh heh.

Just kidding.  Not about Cate being unusually horny this weekend -- that part's true.  So's three times in 24 hours.  With NO pharmaceutical assistance, I might add.  Just kidding about hiding.  I'm happy to be of service, whenever she calls.  Just call on me, Baby.... 634-5789...

Well, she knows my number.

She's in the office getting her stuff ready for tomorrow.  I just got out of the shower and climbed into bed. I really am sore--my back is stiff as hell, can feel the spasms starting.  Gonna have to get chiro tomorrow before things start to shift and I get really miserable.  Don't need my damned trick disc to start bulging before I go back on the road.

Guess that's what I get for fucking Cate on the stairs.  But hey--what was I supposed to do?  She attacked me!  I had to defend myself!  It was a totally unfair fight.  I was tipsy and her tits were half-out of her nightie and she was growling at me...

We need to get those damned stairs carpeted.

Aside from all the sex, had a great weekend.  Saturday Cate and I went out for lunch in Red Bank then hung out at the house for awhile, went for a walk down by the river.  Then she stayed home while I went to the Kitchen to put in a few hours' worth of good deeds.  Dorothea met me there with Steph and Jess... and a surprise volunteer.  Brendan.

Okay, I know I should give the kid a break.  He's been nothing but respectful to me and Cate and Dorothea, and he seems to treat Steph like a Princess.  But I just can't help myself--he's the guy who wants to bang my daughter.  Or he already is banging my daughter.

God, I'm not thinking about that....  But shit, he's eighteen.  By the time I was his age I was a seasoned pro.  Hell, I was banging 28-year-old school teachers in the alley out back of the Fast Lane in between sets.

Okay, so maybe Brendan ain't the gigolo I was, but still...

Anyway, since young Brendan decided to come spend the afternoon with his girlfriend's family, I made sure he got to spend the afternoon trapped in the kitchen with his girlfriend's Daddy.  Poor kid probably had dishpan hands by the time I was done with him.  He was up to his elbows in soapy water for about five hours straight.

But we did have plenty of time to talk, about his family and school and college and sports and his goals for the future, and about what kinds of things he and Stephanie do together.  Gotta say, the kid handled himself pretty well.  He was a little nervous at first--I guess I laid it on a little heavy in the beginning.  But after awhile he relaxed and we actually joked around some.   Even though we've been together a few times in the past I've never had the chance to talk to the kid one-on-one for more than a few minutes.

Hate to admit it but I like him.  He seems to have a good head on his shoulders, he's smart and has a pretty good sense of humor.  Too bad he's a Jets fan.

He also gave me some valuable intel... turns out Jesse has a girl.  Well, at least Mr. Cool has indicated interest in a girl, who is seriously crushing on him.  And it's an older woman -- one of Steph's friends.  Of course Steph wants nothing to do with setting her friend up with her brother -- apparently that's "EEEWWW" as she put it, but sure enough Jess has an older chick hitting on him.

That's my boy, heh heh.  Wonder if he's gonna tell me about her.  Probably not.  He told me when we were out at that sock hop in the Hamptons that he's not interested in being "tied down."  He's not even sixteen yet, the knucklehead.  But the kid's got IT, there's no doubt about that.  He's never gonna have a shortage of girls chasing after him.

Anyway, by the end of the evening Brendan and I had washed God knows how many plates and pots and pans and we had gotten to know each other a little better.  I think it's safe to say we understand each other.  He understands he better not hurt my Baby, and in exchange I'll let him live, ha ha.

After we finally closed up and cleaned up we headed for home.  Dorothea took the kids back into the City since both Steph and Jess had Sunday plans, I headed back to the Jersey house and Cate.  When I got home I was met at the door with my very sexy wife holding a glass of wine and wearing a very sexy nightgown.

As promised, she had made us a late dinner, which we ate by candlelight in various states of undress.  Actually, that was her fault.  She's the one who unzipped my pants the second the front door closed, ha ha.  After we polished off dinner and the bottle of wine we headed upstairs to the bedroom, but didn't quite make it.  Like I said, I was sneak-attacked on the stairs.

But it was HOT.

So today we slept in, then I was attacked AGAIN, roused from a sound sleep and abused in some very naughty ways.  Heh heh.  Then we laid around awhile recuperating, hit the shower, went into town for lunch and shopping.  Ran into some old friends and had coffee, went back to the house.  There was no football on (I refuse to acknowledge the Pro Bowl as real football) so we got naked again and headed back to bed.

It was an awesome day.

Finally had to come back to reality, got home in time for dinner and have been just vegging out the rest of the evening.  I have a bunch of phoners and shit to do tomorrow, gotta go over contracts and a bunch of other crap.  Hoping to write a little, also gotta call my agent about the production schedule for the movie.  Lotsa dates to juggle.  Tuesday's the first day of February... back to the grind.

I'm so not looking forward to it.  But it's what I do.

Uh oh.  Cate's in the doorway.  She's got that look again....

Saturday, January 29

8:40 am
Bed

Ahhh... Good Morning World.

Just sent Cate off to the shower, gonna lay here and be lazy a few more minutes.

Heading out to Jersey after breakfast, hanging out at the house for awhile before going over to the Kitchen to help with dinner.  Dorothea will be out after lunch with Jess & Steph.  Will be a nice family day, may even be somewhat calm with no Chucklehead twins around.

I probably just jinxed the day by saying that, ha ha.

Cate's almost back to normal, just stuffy head now.  Like half the population of NYC, I bet.  Winter sucks.  Thank God I've stayed fairly healthy so far.  Of course, my sinuses will go nuts the second the car comes to pick me up to take me to the plane to start the tour again.  They always do.  Never fails.  It's like my head is punishing the rest of me for having to leave home.  "Another damned plane ride and hotel room?  Fine--then I'm gonna make you sound like shit the first couple shows, Asshole."

Christ, I have talking body parts again.  Just when I got my damned balls calmed down.

Even though she's feeling better I'm still not letting Cate come to the Kitchen.  No need to take chances.  She reluctantly agreed, told me she'll stay home and make us our own cozy little late candlelight dinner.  And the little smirk she gave me when she made that offer tells me I'll be gettin' dessert, heh heh.  Thank God -- it's been a damned week since I got laid.  And I'm about to go back on the road, so I need to get it while I can.

Alright - Up and at 'em.  Here I come to save the day!!!!!

Wait -- that's Mighty Mouse, not Superman.  Why the fuck did that tune just get stuck in my head?  I ain't no damned Mighty Mouse for sure.  Okay, I'm Mighty and maybe I'm not hung like a porn star but I ain't no damned Mouse.

What's Superman again?  Oh yeah... It's a Bird!  It's a Plane!

That doesn't exactly work either.  I'm neither bird-like or plane-like.  Not anymore, anyway.  I'm too damned old to be flying on wires.  They'd need extra-strong cables for my fat old ass these days.  Then they'd probably drop me and I'd break a fucking hip or something.

I need a more fitting superhero theme.

But I can't think of any.

Oh, fuck it.

Friday, January 28

1:45 am
Home

Back home again.

Still buzzing a little from the show.  What a fantastic night.  It's been a long, long time since I had so much fun on a stage.  Up there jamming with my friends and my heroes, all that music I grew up loving and trying to emulate.  Tonight I wasn't Jon Bon Jovi, I was just Johnny Bongiovi "The Kid."  It felt good.

I hate that Cate missed it.  It was something I would have loved to share with her.  We filmed it all, I'll show her the video, but it won't be the same.  Dammit.  She'll be pissed she missed it too.

Got home about a half hour ago.  Felt good to walk in the door and feel her presence.  I missed her last night.  Don't like sleeping in our bed all alone.  At least when I'm on the road I'm alone in a hotel bed.  It's somehow lonelier when it's our bed that's empty.

I think she's feeling a little better.  Just went in to check on her, found her asleep propped up on the pillows, her bedside lamp on, her iPad on her lap.  She must have dozed off while she was reading.  She was breathing normally, not stuffy or wheezy at all.  Hope she's past the worst of it and on the mend.

I refilled her water bottle and made sure she had Kleenex, then sat beside her and stroked her hair for a minute.  She woke up a little and kinda smiled and said "Hey, Baby."  I told her I love her and to go back to sleep.  Then I kissed her forehead, turned off the lamp, and picked up her iPad.  She snuggled down under the covers and kinda purred a little, like she was happy.  

I just sat there for a few minutes, watching her.  I wanted to get into bed and hold her, but I'm not quite ready to go to sleep yet and I don't want to wake her.  So I came out here.

I carried her iPad out with me, figuring I'd shut it down and put it in the office for her.  When I went to close it down I saw what she was reading.  It made me smile, made my heart soar.

She was looking at baby names.

3:40 pm
Couch

Enjoying a lazy day today.

Too crappy to go outside anyway.  Just hanging out in the house, being a slob.

And my wife is talking to me again.  She's feeling better, now just living with scratchy throat and stuffy head.  The worst is over.  She swears by steam, humidifier, and OJ.  Seems to have worked.  I'm glad.  I missed her when she was being Sick Sybil.

Didn't go to bed until almost 3 am.  Was rushing so much after the show even the drive home didn't settle me down.  Then once I got home and checked in on Cate and saw what she was reading...  Well, that didn't help.  I ended up getting sucked into that baby name website myself, my mind wandering back to the days when Dorothea and I were picking out names for our kids.  Good memories, except the fight over Jakey's name.  Good thing we didn't have any  more girls, we never would have agreed on a name.

Don't know why Dorothea doesn't like the name Roxanne.  Her excuse for not letting me name Steph that was "over her dead body would she name her child after a Hooker."  I just think she knew some girl named Roxy and didn't like her, ha ha.  You know how women can be.

But Stephanie Rose was perfect for our Baby Girl.  D did good with that one.

Woke up this morning with Cate snuggled against my chest.  That made me smile.  Of course she was also drooling on me which wasn't so great, but I'll take what I can get.  She can't help it she can't breathe through her nose.  Besides, I got nothin' against her bodily fluids, heh heh.

We cuddled and dozed on and off most of the morning, then finally crawled out of bed around 11.  Cate actually smiled and hugged me and kissed me good morning before asking me how the show went.  I gave her a quick rundown and she pouted that she missed it.  Told ya, ha ha.  But she said she could see from the twinkle in my eye how much fun I had and she was glad.

I told her we needed to celebrate the incredible success of last night's gig with a long, leisurely shower together.  She fell for it, heh heh.

After the shower we came out, I fixed grilled cheese and soup for breakfast or lunch or whatever the hell you wanna call it, since it was after noon.  Then we sat on the couch and pulled up YouTube videos of me shakin' my ass all over the stage at Starland last night.  Cate laughed at me and pouted some more that she missed it.  I promised to show her Tony's footage as soon as he gets it to me.

Then we just curled up together and watched a movie.

My idea of Heaven.  Me, at home with my Girl, and nothin' but time.

Decided to go out to the Jersey house tomorrow morning.  I'm gonna volunteer at the Kitchen tomorrow with Dorothea and Steph and Jess; Jakey and Romey are hanging with Grandma.  Cate wanted to volunteer too but she's not sure she should be around a restaurant or people, considering she's still getting over her bug or whatever.  She'll probably just stay at the house.  Don't need Typhoid Mary infecting half of Monmouth County, ha ha.

Then tomorrow night maybe we'll just stay home and listen to some old records and talk about the future.

Thursday, January 27

1:10 pm
Home

Just finished lunch, getting ready to head out to run a few errands then go to Starland.  Can actually get out of the driveway now, road appears to be clear.  Sun is shining, snow is melting... a fine winter day in North Jersey.

Talked to Cate this morning -- she actually talked on the phone, so that's a good sign.  She didn't just ignore me like last night when I called.  She said she got my calls and texts but was in no mood, she was busy with her deathbed.

My adorable wife, just all puppies and kittens and sunshine and rainbows, ha ha.

Anyway, she's feeling a little better today, still all stuffed up but at least up and about a little.  Her fever's down and she got up and had some tea and toast this morning.  She actually left the bedroom, so that's good.  I still  didn't tell her I'm coming home tonight, though.  Who knows what wrath that tidbit of information would unleash?  Ha ha.  Hopefully she'll be asleep when I get there and I can just sneak into bed and cuddle with her before she knows what's happening.  And maybe she'll be so knocked out on Nyquil she'll let me.

A cuddle sneak-attack.  That's what it's come to.  Guess that's what I get for bragging about my sex life to the Doc yesterday, ha ha.

Had some seriously weird dreams last night.  Note to Self:  do NOT read literature about medical mutilation of my genitals just before bedtime.  I swear, my balls hurt when I woke up this morning.  And not for the usual reason, or in a good way.  I know it was psychosomatic, my Boys telling me "don't make us go through THAT again!"  I just told them to calm down, it won't be so bad, it's for a good cause.  Don't they want to be fully functional again?  We're just cracking open the dam, letting the fishies loose to swim upstream again.

Yeah, I had a conversation with my crotch.  And it involved fish.

I need to go home.

Anyway, I don't really remember the dreams, just flashes here and there.  There was a hospital room, a parking garage, and some kinda classroom with a bunch of pregnant women all over the place.  I assume it was one of those lamaze classes.  And I had a bloody nose.  Maybe that's a premonition.  Cate has potential to be a seriously mean pregnant woman, and she knows how to hurt people, ha ha.  I also remember something about a big grassy meadow, some strawberries, and some big giant rock, like a boulder.  And Mickey Mouse.  WTF?  Weird.

I also remember waking up a couple times and thinking "Huh?"

I seriously need to sleep in my own bed tonight, with my wife.

Wednesday, January 27

3:30 pm
Jersey House

My wife kicked me out.

She's officially sick, doesn't want me around, so she told me to pack my shit and get out.  I assume she'll let me come home when she feels better.  Hopefully.

Cate had to go back to court this morning and barely survived.  She was able to give most of her testimony yesterday afternoon, but had to go in to finish up this morning.  When she got home yesterday she was absolutely exhausted.  She took a bath, ate a little soup, and went straight to bed.  She let me cuddle with her a little bit then I just left her alone and let her doze and watch a movie.  She was asleep before 9:00, poor thing.

I woke her up this morning and didn't think she was gonna make it.  She was weak and warm, but she insisted she had to be in court at 9 am so she got up and got going.  I had to leave before she did, my Doc's appt was at 9 but I had to get there early to get all my lab work done.

After the doc I had to run a few errands. When I got home after lunch Cate was there, in bed, sick as a dog.  Feverish and clammy and stuffy and just miserable.  Poor Baby.  I tried to give her a hug and she snarled at me to get the hell away from her, pack my shit, and get my ass out of the apartment.

Her way of telling me she loves me, ha ha.  She doesn't want me to get sick, especially since I have the Parker Center show tomorrow night.  She told me to come out to the Jersey house and stay here until she felt better.  It's easier anyway, since the show's at Starland.  Especially with this lovely weather.

But I'd rather be there to take care of her, even though she won't let me.  When I protested she threw a box of Kleenex at me and told me to stop being stupid.  A true sign of affection, ha ha.  Hopefully she'll get through this bug or whatever it is in the next day or so.  I'm going home after the show tomorrow night whether she wants me to or not.  Even if I have to sleep on the couch I'm gonna be there in case she needs me.  Even if she infects me.  After tomorrow's show it won't matter.

Unlike my Darling Wife, apparently I'm in excellent health right now.  But my pride is smarting a little bit.  I love doing the annual physical almost as much as I love going to the fucking dentist.  Nothing like starting your day starving from having to fast all night, then having to piss in a cup, then getting jabbed in the arm by some ten-year-old lab tech and having him suck about a gallon and a half of blood into those damned little tubes, then getting a finger shoved up your ass.  Charming.

Then to add insult to injury, I get to talk to the doc about being old, ha ha.  My Doc's a good guy, I've been seeing him a long time and we've done social stuff together, but it's still kinda uncomfortable to have to answer all those questions about my dick and how often I take a dump and all that.  This time we spent what seemed like an inordinate amount of time talking about my "sexual performance."

I have a feeling Doc thought I was bragging, ha ha.  He kept saying it's completely normal for men my age to have occasional to frequent performance problems.  I assured him I have no problem getting it up or keeping it up--I'm as horny now as I was when I was 19, ha ha.  Just ask my wife.

That lead to a whole other conversation--Doc said he heard I had gotten married and congratulated me.  He asked me about Cate, about her background.  Then he asked me a couple questions that kinda pissed me off even though I know he was asking in my medical interest.  First he asked me if I am "currently monogamous."  My initial urge was to respond "Hey Asshole, I'm MARRIED," but I realized how hypocritical that would sound.  Not like marriage kept me completely monogamous before, as Doc knows.  But I'm proud to say I am now, and I told him so.  Then he asked me if Cate is monogamous, and if she has been tested for STDs and AIDS.

That question smacked me in the face.  It was the last thing I expected.  Of course I immediately answered that I'm positive Cate is completely faithful to me, but I had to think about the other half of that question.  Finally I realized she must have been tested for STDs because she's done all her gyno stuff.  They do that then, don't they?  If she had something wrong it would be caught then?  Anyway, I'm sure she's clean; I'm the only guy she's slept with for almost 2 years and before that... well, it's not like she was some kinda slut.  Shit, she had one partner in the year before we met, and that was a one-time deal.

I never would have survived a drought like that.  Guess I'm the slut.

As for the AIDS thing, I'm sure she has to be tested for HIV as part of her required yearly cop physical.  She told me once that they all have to do regular blood tests to rule out "biohazard exposure."  Guess that's what that means.

Anyway, once I got over myself Doc and I talked about my and Cate's sex life, and he kept circling around the whole "You sure you get it up that often?" question, ha ha.   Next thing I know I'm telling Doc about how excited I am that Cate and I are thinking about trying to have a baby.  He gave me a quick rundown of how vasectomy reversal works -- YIKES -- and told me there's no reason he can think of why it shouldn't be successful in my case.  I'm healthy overall and disease-free and I quit smoking and I work out, so things should be fine.  He did tell me to lay off the booze, though -- a glass or two of wine is fine now and again but if I want my swimmers to work 100% I should cut back.

That's a sacrifice I'm totally willing to make.

So I left the Doc with another pat on the head and a warning to take care of my joints, to stop drinking so much, and to wear sunscreen.  And a handful of literature about vasectomy reversal and male sexual dysfunction.  Doc still doesn't believe me, ha ha.

Then I went home and my wife told me not to touch her.

So here I sit out in Jersey, watching the snow come down.  By the time it's over we're gonna have a good pile on the ground.  Hope it doesn't affect people's ability to get out to the show tomorrow night -- want to raise as much cash for Parker as we can.  It's a great organization.

The river is beautiful in the winter; sitting here with my guitar and missing My Cate.  I'll give her a call later; hopefully she'll be feeling a little better.  If she is maybe we'll come out here this weekend and just relax and talk about the future.

Tuesday, January 25

12:20 pm
Kitchen

I make one helluva grilled cheese sandwich.  Can't cook much else, but grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, and ramen noodles I got covered.

Productive morning, lots of writing done.  Something to be said about sitting alone with a guitar and an iPhone, watching the snow fall.  Lyrics and melodies just seeping out of my pores today.  I'll take it while I can; once I'm back on the road it will go away.  I can't write on the road.  To much of a routine, too much focus on what's going on that day.  My mind can't wander like it needs to.

Two weeks from tomorrow it's back to the grind.  I'm dreading it.  At least first couple shows are nearby, I can come home in between.  Then it's a week in Canada and back home for awhile.  Not so bad, I guess.  Don't head out West until March.  But still... just the prospect of getting back to tour monotony ain't thrilling me.

I'm tired.  I'm ready for this one to be over.

Hope Cate can come with me to at least a few of the shows.  Of course she'll do MSG and Philly, and hopefully some of the other East Coast dates too.  Guess it will depend on what's going on with her cases.  Fucking criminals better lay low for the next month.

I love seeing her in the crowd, watching me.  She still gets as excited as she used to, when she thought even meeting me was a pipe dream.  Funny how things happen.

She still feels awful today, but thankfully not worse.  Maybe she's holding this cold or bug or whatever at bay.  Maybe she'll let me coddle her a little more tonight.  I like feeling useful, like I'm helping her.  She's so damned strong and independent sometimes I feel like I'm just a spectator to her life.

I don't mean that in a bad way -- I kinda felt like that with Dorothea too.  It's just the nature of the beast, as much as I come and go.  I wouldn't want Cate any other way, in fact her strength was what attracted me to her in the first place.  That and her eyes.  Okay, and her ass, ha ha.

I just wish when I'm here she would let me be the old-fashioned gentleman and treat her like a Queen.  When she does it makes me feel even more like a man.

Guess I should tell her that sometime, huh?

Now's not the time, but I really want to talk to her more about starting a family.  Ever since Georgia I can't stop thinking about babies.  Every time I see one I just get a big stupid grin.  Think I have that thing women of childbearing age get -- what's that they call it.... Baby Lust?  Guess I really am in touch with my feminine side, ha ha.

But I don't want to pressure her.  She has to make up her mind on her own.  She's the one who would have to make most of the sacrifices.  Her career, her independence, her body...  I just hope she truly understands how much I would love to have a child with her.  Not just because I love being a Dad and I think kids are great, but because it's something I want to share with her.  A bond I want to have with her.  Living proof of our love.

Gonna make another grilled cheese sammie then get back to writing.  Hopefully Cate will get her testimony in this afternoon and come home a little early.  Want to be done when she does so I can pamper her a little.

Hmmm... third sandwich... I'm gonna get fat.  But then again I can't eat after seven tonight, have to fast for blood work at my doc's appt tomorrow.

Fuck it.  I worked out this morning.

8:00 pm
Living Room

I've been fasting for an hour.

I'm starving.

Goddammit.

Monday, January 24

2:50 pm
Car

What a fucking crappy Monday.  3 hours straight of conference calls followed by almost 2 hours with accountants.  And it's like -40 degrees outside.

Fucking winter.

Fucking tax season.

Waiting to pick up the Chuckleheads from school.  Going back to my place for after-school and dinner.  Dorothea has some appointment, so she asked me to pick up J&R and entertain them for awhile.  Glad to do it.  Maybe they'll improve my mood.

Probably not.  I'll probably be relieved to send them home to their Mother.  They wear me out just watching them.  No way I had that much energy at their ages.

Cate's day is almost as shitty.  She's been sitting in the courthouse all day, waiting to be called for Grand Jury.  Doesn't look like it's gonna happen today, she gets to do it all again tomorrow.

And she thinks she's getting sick.  She woke up with a sore throat and was all raspy this morning.  I thought she sounded sexy, but she sure didn't look that way.  She looked miserable.  Big dark circles under her eyes.

She better not fucking infect me.

Of course, if she IS sick I'm gonna have to check into a hotel or something.  She's a complete Bitch On Wheels when she's sick.  Doesn't want any kind of coddling or care.  She just wants to be left alone to die.  Her and her humidifier and her IV drip of orange juice.

Christ, I hope she's taking echinacea.

10:00 pm
Living Room

Just put My Girl to bed.

Cate got home about the same time I did; court adjourned early and she didn't bother to go back to the office.  She did her best to hang with Jake and Romey and me for awhile, but I could see her fading.

She felt bad that she had to tell Romey she couldn't hug him or let him sit on her lap and read because she didn't want to make him sick.  Of course, he totally has her wrapped around his pinkie and so he stuck out the lip and did the pout.  Made poor Cate feel so guilty she looked like she was about ready to cry.  Had to take Romey into the other room and have a little talk with  him, to explain that he needed to back off because he was hurting her feelings.  Then he started to cry.

Jesus, what is it with my kids?  Every damned one of them is a Master of Manipulation.

Anyway, we worked it out that we'd all watch a movie together, but Cate got to lay on the couch and I had to lay on the floor under a goddamn tent made of blankets and chairs.  And I had to wear a costume.  A makeshift superhero costume.  I was Captain Spandex.  Dug out a Superman t-shirt and an old pair of running tights and made a cape out of a sheet.

I even put on a bandana, for Cate.  She obviously doesn't feel good because all she did was give me a little smile instead of practically attacking me like usual.  Apparently I would have been more appealing if I was The Germinator, ha ha.

The things I do for my family.

Anyway, Cate was in no condition to cook, and I didn't want to make matters worse by attempting to cook, so the Chuckleheads and I went down to the Deli and got sandwiches.  We brought back a quart of chicken noodle soup for Cate.  I let Romeo give it to her, to make him feel like he was taking care of her.  Of course Cate was very sweet to him and called him her Superhero.  Now there will be no living with him, ha ha.

Thankfully it was a school night and Dorothea got home about 7 so I took the Chuckleheads home, then came back to take care of Cate.  She let me, which means she's not quite all the way sick.  When she gets it full-blown she's a totally different person -- one you don't wanna be around.  And she doesn't want me around.  She just wants to curl up in bed and gut it out.  Christ, when she gets like that I wonder if I should call a Priest for an exorcism.

If we do have a Baby I might not survive labor.  Or pregnancy.

Anyway, it's the calm before the storm right now.  She's fighting off the symptoms and is up for a little pampering.  I rubbed her shoulders and refilled her water and her OJ and held her and kissed her forehead.  She doesn't have a fever or anything yet, she's just achy and stuffy-headed and  has a sore throat.

She dozed a little while we watched TV, then I suggested we take a bath.  My whole body still aches from skiing -- especially my ass -- and I figured the steam may help her head.  So that's what we did.  Filled up the jacuzzi tub and just laid there together and soaked.  No monkey business, just held each other and talked and let the jets do their magic.

After about an hour we were all pruney and pink, so we finally got out and I helped her towel off and rubbed lotion on her back for her and helped get her into her robe.  Then I dried her hair for her, which is no easy task.  She has almost as much hair as I used to, ha ha.  Then I laid out her favorite pajamas -- flannel pants and my old t-shirt -- cranked up the humidifier, and let her get herself to bed while I refilled her water bottle.  Then I tucked her in.  But she drew the line at letting me tell her a bedtime story, ha ha.  Apparently that was one step too far.

I think my wife may be getting used to the idea of letting somebody take care of her.  I'm glad.  That's how I want to spend the rest of my life, taking care of her.

But you can bet your ass I'm making a run for the Jersey house if she goes all Linda Blair on me.

Sunday, January 23

8:15 am
Bed
Aspen


With you I don't hear the minutes ticking by
I don't feel the hours as they fly
I don't see the summer as it wanes
Just a subtle change of light upon your face

Walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away
This is our kingdom of days

I watch the sun as it rises and sets
I watch the moon trace its arc with no regrets
My jacket 'round your shoulders, the falling leaves
The wet grass on our backs as the autumn breeze drifts through the trees

Walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away
This is our kingdom of days
This is our kingdom of days

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I do
You whisper "then prove it, then prove it, then prove it to me baby blue"

And I count my blessings that you're mine for always
We laugh beneath the covers and count the wrinkles and the grays

Sing away, sing away, sing away, sing away
Sing away, sing away, my darling, we'll sing away
This is our kingdom of days
This is our kingdom of days


Bruce is such a fucking genius. 


This completely captures how I'm feeling about my Cate this morning.  So I sang it for her.


Her smile melts me.


10:30 pm
Home in Bed


Well, Steelers and Packers in the Super Bowl.  Dammit.  Naw, actually I'm happy for the Rooneys.  They're good people who have built a great legacy for the people of Pittsburgh.  Should be a good game.


I am dead tired.  Every muscle in my body aches, and my ass aches double.  I'm in pretty damned good shape for an Old Man but this weekend kicked my ass.  Guess it's more the cold weather than the physical exertion of skiing, but either way, I'm beat.


So is Cate.  She slept on the plane, and could barely keep her eyes open through the first half of the Jets-Steelers game.  When we got home she got her stuff together for court tomorrow and curled up with me on the couch and was dozing within 5 minutes.  At halftime I brought her to bed.  She said she wanted to watch the rest of the game, but when she laid her head on my lap it was all over.  She was out.  So I just sat here and stroked her hair and tried not to cuss or cheer too loudly.  When the game was over I woke her just enough to tell her who won and to move her onto her pillow.  I'm about ready to give in and turn off the lights and curl up to her and go off to dreamland myself.


Tomorrow I have conference calls all morning, stuff to review for the upcoming tour and projects.  In the afternoon I have to meet with accountants.  Jesus, I can hardly stand the excitement.


May have to get a massage too.  If I can even get out of bed in the morning, that is.  Fucking creaky Old Man body.


Fantastic weekend, but it's good to be home.  

Saturday, January 22

5:15 pm
Lodge

My ass hurts.

Had a great day on the slopes.  Beautiful weather, good powder, great to be outdoors.  It's a fantastic time to be in Aspen -- I forgot Sundance is going on this week so all the celebrities are over in Park City instead of clogging up the scene here.  Plus all the paparazzi's there, so we're not followed every damned where.  Haven't seen a single photog since we got here.  My kinda place.

I gotta say, my wife is a HORRIBLE skier.  She's truly awful.  Can barely manage the bunny slopes.  There were four-year-olds putting her to shame.  After about a half hour with her this morning I threatened to put her in ski school.  She told me to get lost and sent me off to do some runs on my own.  That was fine, but I missed riding the lift with her.  So I came back and did the bunny hills with her and laughed my ass off.

Finally she had enough of my making fun and challenged me to try snowboarding with her.  I figured sure, how hard can it be?  If she can't ski she sure as hell won't be able to snowboard.  Well, I was wrong again.  Cate was actually much better at snowboarding that she was at skiing.  I guess it's because both her feet are on the same board.  But she still fell over a lot.  So did I.  And when you fall off a board, you either fall on your face or your ass.  I fell on my ass a LOT.  It's already sore, don't know how it's gonna feel tomorrow when I have to sit on a plane for 4 hours.  Holy Christ.

And I gotta make my living with that thing.  Nobody wants to see an aging Rock Star who can't shake his ass, ha ha.

Had a great time at the benefit in Denver last night.  Was fun to catch up with some old friends.  The crowd was good, the band was tight, it was almost effortless.  Still a little dusty from the break, but after this week's show at Starland I'll be ready to go.

We drove up after dinner last night; didn't get to the Lodge until after 1 am.  This is a really nice place; Kelly did good.  Got a fantastic suite with a balcony and a fireplace and big ceiling-to-floor windows looking out over the mountains.  It's gorgeous.  No in-room jacuzzi though, dammit.  Cate and I had to settle for making love in the shower.  She's significantly better at that than she is at skiing, ha ha.

I had so much fun watching her today.  She was so cute with the kids on the bunny slopes.  When we came in for lunch I caught her watching a family at another table, a Mom and Dad and little twin girls, maybe 4 or 5.  I could tell from her smile she was thinking about us, about maybe having a baby of our own.

Maybe we'll talk about it some more tonight.  Going out to dinner and then to one of the nightclubs on the resort.  Then we'll come back and cuddle by the fire.  Plenty of together time.

She can rub my ass.  It's gonna need it.

Friday, January 21

1:20 pm
Hotel

Killing a few minutes waiting for the rally to head to the venue.  Cate went shopping with Lexi so it's just me here, twiddling my thumbs.

Actually looking forward to this show tonight.  Should be fun, for a good cause.  Will get a chance to see a few old friends and just hang out.  Plus we're going on early so we'll be done early.  Having a late dinner with friends then Cate and I are heading up to Aspen.

Can't wait to get out of this hotel and up to the Lodge.  I know "Lodge" is just a fancy name for "Hotel" but at least the rooms won't be cookie-cutter boring.  I can delude myself in to thinking it's not really a hotel, ha ha.  It's someplace I've never stayed before, Kelly said it's really nice.  As long as it's private, that's all I care about.  I usually don't get hassled in Aspen because they're used to seeing celebrities all over the place, but still.  Anonymity is good.

Cate and I are gonna do a little skiing tomorrow, a little night life tomorrow night, then fly back Sunday.  Sucks she has to be at the Courthouse Monday or she'd play hooky.

Oh well.  I'll take what I can get.

Was nice waking up with my wife this morning.  It's nice every day I get to do it, but when I'm in one of these damned hotel rooms it's just that much sweeter.  We just laid in bed and smiled and talked and cuddled until room service knocked on the door.  The second I signed the bill and sent Skippy the Steward on his way I was back in bed with Cate.  We literally ate in bed.  It was great.  Got toast crumbs all over the sheets though, ha ha.

Finally we dragged our asses out of bed and she went to get ready to go out with Lexi.  They were going to some chic boutique Lexi wanted to check out.  I'd love to see that.  Cate and Lexi get along great but they are polar opposites when it comes to all that girly stuff.  I bet Lexi comes back with 8 shopping bags and Cate has 1.  If that.  And if she does, it will probably be full of stuff for me or the kids.

I hit the gym but did a lazy workout.  Just not in the mood today.  Cate teased me that I should go down the street to the Crunch fitness and walk in to a yoga class.  Said the ladies there would be more than willing to help me with my Downward-Facing Dog, ha ha.  She's been giggling at all the stupid news stories popping up about me being a Renaissance Man because I started yoga to keep my 30-inch waist.  Yeah right.

Truth of it is my old joints ain't gonna hold up much longer if I keep punishing them, so I gotta find something.  I figure this whole tantric/yoga stuff works for Sting, so what the hell?  There are side benefits, heh heh. And AARP recommends yoga, so why not?  I'm only a few years from membership eligibility, so I may as well prepare myself, ha ha.

Ahhhhhhh..... Okay.  Time to put away the book and go meet the guys to catch a ride to the venue.  Gotta go to work before I can go play.

Thursday, January 20

11:50 am
Cab

Holy Shit, this is turning out to be a crazy day.

Just left a meeting, headed back to the apartment to pack my shit for flight to Denver.  I got great news -- Cate texted to tell me she decided to go with me for the weekend.  Only downside is she can't get away from her office until after a meeting that starts at 2 pm.  Our flight was supposed to leave at 4:30 pm, but I'm gonna call and push it back for her.  She said not to wait, she'd fly out commercial tonight, but that's just dumb.  She's going with me.

When I get home I'm gonna have to get busy finding a place for us to stay this weekend, too.  Wait... I pay people to do that for me.  Shit. I can just call Kelly... Nah.  I want to do this myself.  I'll figure out where we wanna go, THEN call Kelly and she can deal with all the bullshit details.

Sometimes it's good to be The King, ha ha.

Dave and Lexi are coming along, I'm sure they won't mind the flight delay.  We'll all have a fun time on the plane together.  The girls don't see much of each other, and Davey and I see too much of each other, so it will balance out, ha ha.

Cate asked me to start packing her bag too, so got my work cut out for me.  Of course the first thing she'll do when she gets home is take everything out of the bag and start over, so WTF is the use?  But I'll humor her and at least get out a few things.

Like a bikini for the hot tub.  Heh heh.


2:45 pm
Living Room

Sitting here waiting for Cate to come home so we can get the hell out of here.  She's on her way, should be walking in the door any minute now.

Hope it doesn't take her long to pack.  Got all my shit together, bag's by the door.  I tried to start packing for her but just ended up piling a bunch of clothes on the bed.

Except for that turquoise bikini of hers.  That's safely tucked in my bag.  She won't want to wear it, but she will.  My wife will put up a valiant fight, but I shall prevail.  I've got the secret weapons against which she's defenseless.  Heh heh.

Observation:  Every guy wants to screw his gal in a hot tub.  It's just fucking sexy.  Trust me, been there, done that, ha ha.  But if Joe Bagodonuts does it and gets caught, he's looking at a little embarrassment (maybe), a slap on the wrist, a fine for public indecency.  If Joe Rockstar does it and gets caught it's on fucking TMZ and the front page of every rag in the world, in 98 different languages.  And the Brits give you a goofy nickname.

Life is just so fucking unfair sometimes.

9:10 pm Mountain Time
Denver

Made it to Denver.  In our room at the 4S, waiting for Cate to get ready to go out for a drink with the gang.  Everybody else made it here before us, as usual the Lead Singer is bringing up the ass-end of the parade, ha ha.

We have a whole extra two hours to play tonight, though I don't know how long Cate's gonna last.   She's pretty tired, yawned through the whole flight.  I told her to take a nap but NOOOOO.... she and Lexi had that girl talk thing going.  Davey and I hardly got a word in edgewise.  And that's saying something when it comes to Davey, ha ha.  Actually we men were pretty much ignored the entire flight while the girls did their thing.

I should have taken a nap.

Ah well.  We'll pop out for a glass of wine, then I have an excuse to escape from the rest of the bunch.  My Dear Wife needs her rest.  Then we'll come back to this nice hotel suite -- which incidentally looks almost exactly like 10 other 4S suites I've been in over the past few months -- and it's Naked Time.  It's been a few days, so I'm all revved up and ready to go.  All Cate has to do is give the sign.

Which is pretty much anything at this point.  A smile, a sigh, a  yawn.... a pulse.  Heh heh.

Looking forward to sleeping in with her tomorrow.  We can even order breakfast in bed.  Actually, I can do that right now, pre-order breakfast while I'm sitting here on my ass.

It's nice to have her here, to not have to go through the show routine all by myself once again.  I wish she'd consider making this a permanent thing, but I know that will never work.  She'd go crazy with boredom.  And frankly, she'd probably hate me after the first month.  She knows I'm an asshole, but still... no need to prove her right, ha ha.

But it sure would be nice to wake up with her every morning.

Fuck going out with the Band.  I'm ordering a bottle of wine and we're staying right here.  We got a big ol' jacuzzi tub in the other room.  No bikini necessary.

Wednesday, January 19

11:40 pm
Bed

Waiting for Cate to come to bed.

We had a great impromptu night out tonight.  We were both running hard today, lots to do and hardly time to breathe.  When she got home she just tossed her briefcase on the couch and said "Let's go out."

She got NO argument from me.  Especially after last night.  My punishment for taunting her with my journal was pretty brutal.  She made me sit on the couch with her and watch one of her old video bootlegs -- of Myself.  From that 1990 festival in Rio.  God, those technicolor pants... seeing that almost made me gag.

Of course my weird wife wanted to know when she could expect an encore performance of that wardrobe.  Ummm..... NEVER.

Anyway, decided we wanted a couple drinks with dinner so ended up going to Terra for some live Blues and great food.  I called ahead, when we got there an intimate little corner booth was ready and waiting, as was a bottle of wine.  We had a wonderful time, just cuddled up there in our corner and relaxed and listened to some fantastic music.  We didn't even really talk about much, just chit-chat about our days and kicking around the idea of this weekend.  We just enjoyed being together.

There's something extra-romantic about being able to snuggle with your Best Girl out in  public like that.    To just be so into each other that everything else is background noise.  Not giving two shits who notices or watches or photographs you.  Neither one of us really wanted to leave but she has to work tomorrow and I have a meeting uptown, so we reluctantly dragged ourselves out between sets.

Can see Cate at the mirror, through the open bathroom door.  She's smoothing her moisturizer over her skin, fretting a bit over those little lines around her eyes.  Makes me smile.  I love catching her in those unguarded moments of humanity, watching her when she doesn't realize.

She's feeling feminine tonight, wearing that black silk nightgown with the beautiful creamy lace I bought her in Paris.  She looks gorgeous.  And content.

Ever since this past weekend we've both been smiling a lot.  It's like everything is suddenly a lot simpler.  That little escape was exactly what we both needed, to focus on each other and shut out the rest of the world.  Cate has been quiet, but it's been more of a calm quiet than a sad quiet, like it was before.  She's still doing a lot of thinking, but now she looks almost hopeful instead of melancholy.

That's exactly how I feel -- hopeful and excited, that maybe soon we'll have a new project to work on together.

Okay, gotta hide my journal before she comes back in the bedroom.  Can't be too careful, ha ha.

Tuesday, January 18

1:30 pm
Dentist's Office

Sitting here in the waiting room for my Favorite Thing On Earth.  God, I hate having my teeth cleaned.  As much damned money as I've spent on dentists over the years you'd think they could come up with some permanent non-cavity non-plaque non-dentist-office-visit Magic Pill.  I've literally put my money where my mouth is, yet here I am again.

There aren't even any good magazines here.  The one on top of the pile is that People Sexiest Man Alive issue.  The one with me in the Senior Section, ha ha.  Can't even see my million-dollar teeth in that photo.  Cate says that expression is my "come fuck me smolder."  She must be right, it usually works on her.  Come to think of it, it's rarely failed me, in my entire life.

What this place needs is porn.  A coffee table full of Playboy and Penthouse and Juggs and Hustler.  I guess they'd have to be equal-opportunity, and provide Playgirl too, for the Gals.  Or Martha Stewart Living.  That shit's like porn to some women, ha ha.  Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about that, where Jerry's dentist had porn in the waiting room?  Damned fine idea, I say.

Jake and Romeo's dentist caters to kids, their waiting room is like a damned carnival.  They have video games and movies and one of those climbing structure things.  Every time I take one of the Chuckleheads there they want me to play Rock Band on the Wii, up on that giant projection TV on the wall.  Yeah, right.  Like I'm gonna let a dentist's office full of soccer moms watch me FAIL at my own songs.

Next week I have more of these boring-ass appointments.  Have to do my annual physical for the insurance company, have to meet with the accountants and the lawyers, have to go over all the shit for our taxes.  That's the shitty thing about having a break in the tour, instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself I have to take care of all this crap I can't do when I'm on the road.

I guess it's no big deal, not like I'll be able to hang out with Cate next week anyway.  She has a case going to Grand Jury next week so she'll be on-call at the courthouse until her testimony's done.  She has no idea when  it will happen, just that the Assistant US Attorney plans to present the case sometime next week.  The wheels of justice, turning ever backwards, ha ha.

I'm trying to entice her to come to Colorado with me for the benefit this weekend.  I think I almost have her convinced.  If her week's not too crazy I think she'll take Friday off and fly out with me Thursday evening.  Maybe we can sneak in a little skiing, or at least a little snuggling by the fire at some ridiculously expensive ski lodge.  And we can practice our baby-making skills a little more, ha ha.

Practice makes perfect.

Christ, I'm bored.  Guess I'm gonna have to give in and read that October 2009 issue of Better Homes and Gardens....

9:45 pm
On the Couch

Sitting here in my sweatpants and rattiest t-shirt, got my feet up on the coffee table, having my favorite snack.  Got a plate of little buttered saltine and cheese sandwiches balanced right here on my belly.  Washing 'em down with beer.

Yep, Slobby Jon.  That's me tonight.  I'm even burping out loud, ha ha.

Cate's sitting across from me on the other couch.  I think she might be afraid to get too close to me.  She's probably thinking "Yeah, Girls.  Look at him now, this fucking Sexiest Rockstar Alive I married.  Got his damned feet up on the table and crumbs all over his shirt."  Ha ha.  I probably have butter on my chin too.  But I don't care.  This is GOOO-OOOD.

I bet this butter would taste even better if I was licking it off Cate's thighs, heh heh.

She just rolled her eyes at me.  She heard my dirty little chuckle as I scribbled that.

She's sitting over there, trying to look all gross and unattractive in her tight little t-shirt that shows off her nipples and her little flannel mini-boxers.  Showin' off those long legs while she paints her toenails.  She's trying to tease me, painting 'em Fuck-Me Red.  My wife has the sexiest damned toes.  I'm not even a foot guy, but DAMN.

I bet Rex Ryan would totally go for those toes.

Fuck you, Rex.  They're mine.  ALL mine.  Heh heh.

Cate just gave me another look.  Apparently I'm smirking too much while I write in my little book here.  She just asked me what I'm writing about.  I told her to get lost, I'm not telling her.  It's MY diary.

She said I have to let it out of my sight sometime.

Note to self:  DO NOT leave journal unattended, even for a second.  Take it into the shower with me if necessary.  Keep it with me when I'm on the can.

Damn, these crackers are good.  Beer's almost gone.  Too lazy to get up and get another one.  Oh Honey....

Yeah, right.  She ain't gonna get me another beer.

Cate asked if I'm writing about her.

I said no, I'm writing about Liz Hurley's tits.

She flipped me off.

Watch this.  I'm not gonna write anything at all, but I'm gonna do that little chuckle again.  It's gonna drive her nuts.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP.......  Heh heh.

HA!  Told ya.  She just growled at me to "STOP IT!"  Heh heh heh heh heh.... It's just too fun to fuck with her.

Well, it's more fun to actually fuck her.  But since I can't do that all the time -- God knows I've tried -- I'll fuck with her. It's a bonus feature of the marriage plan.

Now she's giving me the Stink-Eye.  She's not bad at it, but I'm better.  You have to be Italian to do it properly.  She has other ways of scaring me.

Ha ha -- this is KILLING her!  She asked me again what I'm writing.  I told her I'm drawing cartoon penises. She just arched an eyebrow at me and said "If you're drawing Richie's you're gonna need more paper."

Bitch.

I hate it when she's right.

Gonna fuck with her some more.  Scribble scribble scribble scribble.... Heh heh heh... Scribble Scribble Scribble....

Now she's threatening to come over here and kick my ass.  Yeah, right.  Her toes are wet.  She ain't gonna fuck up her nail polish.

Oh shit, maybe she is.  She's putting everything away.  ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!!!

Yeah, Baby, come on over here... I got some butter left.....

Monday, January 17

11:45 pm
Home

Snow's starting to fall.

Back home from my weekend with Cate.  It was beautiful, romantic, intimate.  Everything I hoped for and more.

For two whole days it was just us.  Laughing, singing, talking, holding hands, making love...

And she finally let me in.  She finally told me what has been bothering her all this time. It was what I wondered about -- my family.  She admitted she feels left out sometimes, that she's a little jealous of the bond Dorothea and I have.

And I think she wants to have a baby.

That idea just makes me grin like a fool.  I would love nothing more than to give Cate a child, to start again with a little one running around the house.  Especially a little Cate.  Another Daddy's Little Girl.

We talked about it, a lot.  When she finally opened up it was hard for her, at first.  We talked through it on the beach, then made love by the fire, then talked some more.  And when we woke up this morning the first thought in my head was how beautiful she would look, pregnant and glowing.

We haven't decided to try yet.  She has a lot to consider, and she's not really sure it's what she truly wants.  I respect that.  Cate's a very logical and careful person; it's her nature and her training.  But sometimes you can't apply logic to matters of the heart.

And it will take a lot from both of us to pull it off, if we decide to try for a child.  First off, I'll have to get un-snipped, and she'll have to be sure she's able to have kids.

But for now I'm just gonna be excited about the idea.

I'm gonna keep it to myself, I'm not gonna pressure her.  Cate has to make this decision on her own, for herself, not for me.  That wouldn't be fair.

But it would be wonderful.

Saturday, January 15

12:20 am
Home

Sitting here watching my beautiful wife sleep.

She fell asleep on the couch, watching a movie.  She's curled on her side, snuggled under that soft mink blanket with its edge pulled up under her chin.

Her hair is all wavy around her, her gorgeous eyelashes so lush and dark against her skin.  Her cheeks are pink, her lips are full and soft, and curved just the tiniest bit at the corners.

She looks so peaceful and content.

I hope she's dreaming of me.

When I'm gone I miss watching her sleep, hearing her breathe, feeling her heart beat against mine.  When I'm home I wake up at night and just feel her, listen to her.  And sometimes, like now, I just sit and watch her and marvel at how she fills my soul.  She completes me.

Once upon a time  I sat and watched her sleep and wrote a hit song.  Her song.  Tonight I feel that same stirring in my poet's heart, I have the words swirling around in my head.  But they're not ready to come out yet.

Soon.

10:45 am
Home

Trying to get some work done, tie up a few loose ends before I escape with Cate for the weekend.

I can't wait to see her face when she sees where I'm taking her.  I know she's gonna love it.  Just the two of us, no worries, no hassles.  Weather is gonna be beautiful, a nice change from cold snowy NYC.  Too bad I don't golf; would be a perfect weekend for it, ha ha.  We'll get out a little to enjoy the sunshine, I have a few things planned.  Can't stay in bed ALL weekend, though I wouldn't mind.  Heh heh.

Cate's at the Winter Carnival with Dorothea and the Boys.  She texted me about an hour ago.  Was pretty funny -- think she's a little overwhelmed by the whole thing.  It's a new world for her, all that PTA-Mom crap.  I'm sure she feels a little out of place, especially since some of those Moms can be catty bitches.  They won't fuck with Cate with Dorothea around, though.  That's one thing my ex and my wife have in common -- nobody's gonna mess with them to their face.  Like Cate would care what anybody said about her anyway, ha ha.

Discovered one other flaw in my plan.  Since I'll be hiding away from the world with my lovely wife we're gonna miss the Playoff games.  Not like it matters much, the Giants never made it in and Cate's Eagles got their asses kicked out last weekend.  But the Pats are still in the hunt.  I'm sure Cate will want to watch the games but I'm not gonna let her.  This weekend is about us.

Besides, that's why we have a DVR.  Off to set it now...

4:15 pm
Living Room

Cate's home from her day with the Boys, getting ready for our date.  I'm trying to resist the urge to climb in the shower with her and nail her to the wall, ha ha.

Down Boy.  Save it for later.  Besides, I go in there now we'll be late to dinner.

I'm all set.  Bags in the car, flight confirmed, reservations confirmed.  In just a few hours we'll be touching down for our Hedonism Weekend.  Okay, maybe not Hedonism, but at least a little quiet relaxation.

Can't wait to hear about Cate's Adventures with Grade Schoolers.  She looked pretty frazzled when she came in the door, and she muttered something about being able to shoot criminals but not children or their parents.  She can tell me all about it on the plane.  And most likely blame me, too.  I know she'll eventually figure out I put Dorothea up to asking her to help.

Yeah, Baby -- consider this payback for that little Punk you and Sambora played on me, about the Spearmint Rhino back in Aus.  Though we're not quite even yet.

Friday, January 14

5:15 pm
Bedroom

Getting ready for my Big Date.

Picking Steph up at 6:00, taking her to dinner and the theater.  Going to see Million Dollar Quartet, which is supposed to be fantastic.  One of the best shows on Broadway, with all due respect to Mr. Bryan, ha ha.  I'm really looking forward to it, not just because of the show but because I get to spend some one-on-one time with my only daughter.  That opportunity doesn't come along too often anymore.

When Steph and I planned this over Christmas I asked Cate if she wanted to come along.  She immediately said "No" which kinda hurt my feelings at first. Then I realized it was her hint that maybe Steph wanted time alone with Daddy.  Sometimes my wife has to smack me in the head with a frying pan to wake me up, ha ha.  Anyway, as much as I love to go out with Cate, I'm glad she's not going tonight.  Tonight it's just me and my Baby Girl.

Tomorrow night will be for Cate.  She has no idea what trickery I'm up to.  She just knows we're going to dinner  but we have to leave early.  I told her we're going somewhere out in Jersey and I want to surprise her.  Well, she'll be surprised when "someplace in Jersey" is Teterboro Airport, ha ha.

I realized this morning there was one little flaw in my plan -- we're staying overnight so we're gonna need to take clothes and shit with us.  And I can't tell Cate that, so she can't pack.  I toyed with the idea of making this the Big Grand Romantic Gesture and just whisking her away and buying her new clothes there, but don't think that will go over well.  She'll need her toiletries and makeup and stuff, and I don't want to spend all our time shopping.  We don't need much, but we do need something.  As much as I'd love to spend the weekend naked, we're gonna have to venture out into society at some point.

And I have to pack too.  How am I gonna explain that to Cate, that I'm packing a bag when I'm not scheduled to go anywhere until the end of next week?

Finally I admitted I need help, so I groveled to Dorothea.  I told her what I have up my sleeve, hoping she wouldn't be pissed at me imposing on her Saturday.  Thank God my ex-wife and I are on good terms.  She agreed to help me by getting Cate out of the house for a couple hours tomorrow morning.  D called Cate this afternoon and asked if she could help out with that Winter Carnival thing at Jake and Romeo's school.  Of course Cate said yes, so she's spending tomorrow morning face-painting or serving cookies or making balloon animals or some shit, trying to keep some modicum of control over the absolute chaos that will be a grade school carnival.

Sucker.  Ha ha.

Meanwhile, I'll be back home packing our bags and stowing them away in the trunk of the car so I can whisk Cate away to a weekend of bliss.  And she'll need it after a morning with the Chuckleheads and Friends.

She's probably gonna want to kick my ass when she finds out I put Dorothea up to that.  But I think I can soothe the savage beast, ha ha.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Thursday, January 13

7:45 am
Philly Bound

On the train, headed for work just like a real commuter.  Pretty nice way to travel.  Not as nice as the jet though.  That's definitely my preferred vehicle.

It's kinda fun to watch the countryside roll by, look at the houses and backyards and industrial parks.  Well, then again... they don't call Jersey the Oil and Petrochemical State for nothin', ha ha.  But this is real America.  Or at least real Jersey.

Looking forward to seeing the folks at the office again, it's been awhile.  Have a few meetings this morning, then gonna pop in on Sister Mary and let her scold me for being a bad Catholic and not going to Mass in... well, a long time.  It's been even longer since my last confession.  Hell, if I went now I'd keep the poor priest in the confessional for days, catching up.  Guess I'm going to Hell.  But at least I'll be among friends.

Hoping I can get my business done and catch an earlier train back home.  Cate said she should be home from her appointment around 3-ish.  Maybe we can go out and do something together, catch a movie or have a cup of coffee or go shopping.

If she feels up to it, anyway.  She has that  female torture appointment today, pelvic exam and pap smear and boob squeeze and all that crap.  I don't envy her.  I've been through four pregnancies, watched Dorothea endure the most unbelievable indignities during exams and labor and delivery.  The whole thing makes me queasy.

I know this gyno stuff is necessary but still, I don't know how women do it.  They're so much stronger than us guys.  We get the old "turn your head and cough" every year but that's usually about it.  I can't say I particularly enjoyed my colonoscopy a couple years ago, but at least I was knocked out for the really unpleasant part.  Thank God I don't have somebody shoving metal utensils up my orifices and cranking them open, while I'm wide awake and unsedated.  Women may have pussies, but men ARE pussies.  The human race would have died out long ago if we had to give birth.

Yeah, maybe we'll just stay in and I'll pamper Cate a little.  Assuming she even wants me near her.  It's been my experience that when women are reminded just what they have to suffer through from a reproductive system standpoint, they aren't too keen on having men around for awhile.

Come to think of it I'm kind of surprised Cate has this appointment.  I thought she did this stuff all over the summer.  I know she went to see her Gyno back in August, when we were on break.  She drove in from the Hamptons House to do it.  I don't remember her saying anything about a problem, then or now.

God I hope there's not a problem.

But then again... the way she's been acting lately.... I know she's worrying or thinking hard about something, she has been for weeks.  After what Dorothea told me I thought maybe it was to do with the Runaway Incident or what D said to Cate... but maybe it's not.  Maybe it's something else.  Something medical, maybe.

Cate's too young for menopause.  Hell, she's only 42.  She's not on the pill or on any other kind of birth control that could cause problems, like Dorothea went through.  There's no need.  I'm firing blanks, have been since Romeo was born, long before I met Cate.

Christ, what if she found a lump in her breast or thinks there's something else wrong?  Jesus... She'd tell me, wouldn't she?  And she wouldn't wait for a routine appointment if it was something she's really worried about. I'm sure of that.  She'd get in to see her Doc immediately.

But after what she's been through Cate tends to minimize her health concerns.  Christ, she survived being shot in the back, went through surgery and physical therapy and all the trauma that comes with that.  She takes care of herself, eats right, works out.  She rarely gets sick, has no time or patience for it when she does.  She just pushes through it.

Shit.  I hope there isn't more to this doctor's appointment than she's telling me.  She hasn't actually told me anything about it, other than it's her Gyno and it's today.

Fuck.  Now I'm gonna be worried about her all day.  And I'll probably piss her off when I get home and ask her if everything's okay, because she'll be able to see right through me and know I got myself all spun up again over something I have no control over and that will probably turn out to be nothing.

I'll call her as soon as I get to the Foundation office, ask her point-blank to tell me if there's something wrong. I know she'll laugh at me, but I have to do it or I won't be able to concentrate.  I'd call her now but this isn't a conversation I want to have in earshot of complete strangers on public transportation.

Maybe I'll text her, then call her when I get to Philly.

5:30 pm
Home

Finally made it home, day didn't go as planned.  Way more going on with the Foundation than I thought.  It's all good, I'm excited about what's coming up, but the meetings took a helluva lot longer than I thought they would.

I'm sure I was a joy to be around, though I made a conscious effort to be nice and calm and cheerful.  But I was totally distracted, thinking about Cate.  Didn't get to talk to her this morning, she was in meetings.  She did answer my 5th text though, and said everything is fine and to stop freaking out.  Her words:  "It's just a docs appt, for fuck's sake!  Settle down!"

Apparently I can't hide my panic via text, either.

She's on the phone now, talking to Danny.  Don't know what about, but from her expression it's not their usual brother-sister Slick-and-Slick back and forth.  She looks serious, a little sad.  When I kissed her hello and said hey to Danny into her phone she gave me a little smile and told me she'll start dinner when she gets off the phone.  I didn't want to pry so I told her I'm gonna sneak in a quick workout, to take her time.

Deep breath.  It's not what I think.  I always assume the worst, and Cate always reminds me of that old adage about Asses and U and Me.  But she says in my case I'm the only one looking like an Ass; it doesn't affect her at all.  I tell her she's better at being a SmartAss, ha ha.

I need to work out, calm down.  We have all night to talk, for Cate to unwind me yet again.

11:50 pm
Bed

Christ, what's up with the universe this week?  Karma's all kinds of fucked up.  Maybe the Mayans had it wrong -- all the apocalypse shit will happen in 2011, not 2012.

Waiting on Cate to come to bed -- she's in the shower now.  She had one hell of an evening, dealing with me and with Danny and with sad news.  She's had to play fucking psychiatrist to everybody tonight, and she won't talk to me about how she feels.  She just said "soon."

Soon?  I wonder how damned long from now that's gonna be.

She was still on the phone with Danny when I finished my run.  I guess she felt guilty about making me wait for dinner because she was multi-tasking, cooking dinner and talking to him at the same time.  I tried to help but she just shooed me away, so I went to shower.  Came back in and she had dinner on the table and the call was over.  Of course I immediately started in with "Are you okay? What's wrong?  Baby, please tell me your doctor didn't find anything wrong."

Cate just took a deep breath and told me to sit down and eat, she'd deal with one thing at a time.  Then she told me some really sad news.

Danny's had a rough day too.  Seems he and Charity might be on the verge of calling it quits.  He's planning to volunteer to go out on some counterterrorism operation to Pakistan, she's scared shitless about it (understandably) and told him she doesn't know if she can handle not knowing where their relationship is going anymore.  Danny doesn't want to lose her but he's not big on ultimatums, either.  So he needed to talk it out with his best friend.

And even worse, today he and the other instructors got tragic news, which he needed to pass on to Cate. One of their former students was seriously wounded in a roadside bombing in Afghanistan.  I remember her -- Gabby.  She was one of Bobby's students when I was at the Center for training.  Cute gal, little but tough as Hell.  She was engaged to be married.  I posed for a photo with her and her fiance' and her parents at her graduation, the day she got her badge.  Apparently she was the only survivor of the attack; 2 other agents and a driver were killed.  She has a traumatic brain injury and lost a foot and a hand.

Jesus.

It makes me feel sick to realize that could have been, could someday be, my Cate.  This agent was somebody's wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague.  Now she's clinging to life, and if she survives she'll never be whole again.  Cate was almost stoic when she told me the news, but I could hear the sadness in her voice. When it comes to stuff like this -- cop stuff, military stuff -- she's able to compartmentalize it, detach herself.   It's almost like it makes sense to her in a weird sort of way.  I guess that's the training kicking in.

But when it comes to personal stuff... that's another story.  She locks it away inside too, until she's ready to talk about it, but it bothers her.  It's almost like she's at war with herself when she's dealing with her emotions. That's how she's been lately, and I know this stuff with Danny and Gabby is just going to make it harder for her.  I want so damned much to help her, to be her shoulder to cry on, but it's not time yet.  She'll just push me away.

Then of course my poor wife had to deal with her neurotic husband.  I must have asked her 20 times if she was okay, how her doctor's appointment went, what was wrong.  She finally put down her fork, reached across the table, grabbed my hand and said  "Jon, look at me.  I'm FINE.  Well, except for the gonnorhea."

I was so shocked I must have looked ridiculous.  I know Cate got a pretty disgusting view of my mouthful of half-chewed salmon because I could feel my jaw drop.  She just stared at me all serious for a minute, then a little smirk curled up on her lips and  I realized she was fucking with me.  What was that I said earlier about her being a Smartass?  Guess I deserved that though, being such a worrywart pain in the ass.

After she finished laughing at me she very patiently explained why she went to the gyno today.  Turns out I was right -- she did do all her yearly stuff back this summer.  But what she neglected to tell me was she had an abnormal Pap result.  She found out when I was in Latin America, so she didn't mention it.  Her Doc had her come in for another test back in September and wanted to do another one 3 months later just to be extra-sure nothing was wrong.  Her September test was abnormal too, but Cate's Doc isn't particularly worried.

Her exam today went fine; she seems healthy, nothing the Doc's concerned about.  Cate will get the Pap results in a couple weeks.  She said she and her Doc had a long conversation about her overall health and her sex life (which I hope she bragged about) and her stress and family history.  Cate says she's not worried and I shouldn't be either -- she's just getting older.  Like me.

Okay, that comment was a little uncalled for, ha ha.  But I guess I just have to trust Cate when she tells me she's really okay, and if she's ever not okay we'll deal with it.  I hate the thought of that, but of course she's right.  I can't protect her from everything.  Hell, I can't protect her from much.  She's the strong one, the one who can take care of herself.  Even if I don't like that idea.

She's also right when she reminds me again, for the millionth time, that I have to stop working myself up over shit I can't control.

One thing I can control, I can do for her, is tell her over and over again that I love her and I'm here for her when she's finally ready to share her burden.  I'm gonna do it again when she comes to bed.