Thursday, January 6

9:45 am
My Office

Today I'm going to be productive.  I can't sit around anymore, can't wander around without a plan.  There's plenty of shit I need to do, gonna get some of it done.  I'll try to get some of the business stuff done this morning before Cate wakes up, so maybe I can steal a few hours with her before she has to go back to work.

She crawled into bed around 4 am.  Actually, I guess "collapsed" is a more accurate term.  She was so dead-tired she's hardly moved since her eyes closed.  When she came in she just dropped her clothes right there by the bed and crawled under the sheets and curled up beside me.  Of course I woke up the second I felt her walk into the room.

She told me everything went well.  They seized a crapload of evidence and she ended up doing a couple witness interviews.  They learned from one of the witnesses about another place where there was probably evidence, so they went back to the on-call Assistant U.S. Attorney for an emergency search warrant, then executed a search at that place.  That's why she was so late.

I was just glad she was home safe.  I spooned up behind her like she likes and just held her and listened to her breathe and felt her heart beating as she slept.  I woke up this morning in the same position, with her in my arms. I just laid there for awhile, wishing we were together alone somewhere else, then finally slipped out of bed and let her sleep.

Before she fell asleep Cate told me she has to go back in the office later today to start on the paperwork, but not until this afternoon.  And tomorrow she should be able to work from home.  I hope so.  I miss her.  I'll let her sleep a few more hours before waking her.

I spent my day yesterday being a complete Selfish Shit.  With every passing hour I got more and more resentful that Cate wasn't with me, that she wasn't thinking about me, that she was being inconsiderate of my feelings by not calling to let me know she was okay.  I know I have a tendency to spin myself up, get all agitated over things I can't control.  Usually I'm pretty good at hiding that, but I couldn't get away with it yesterday.  It took Dorothea about a second to see right through me.

I was glad I had plans with D yesterday or God knows how nuts I would have made myself.  We met for lunch to talk about the kids and plans for the coming year.  Of course, I was checking my phone every damned 5 minutes so I wasn't the greatest company.  Finally she reached over and took it out of my hands, set it on the table, and ordered me to tell her what was wrong.

I was pissed at first, almost got up and walked out.  She told me to stop acting like a childish prick and start talking.  She hasn't changed, still kicking my ass when I need it, ha ha.  And thank God.  I pouted for a minute and picked at my food, then realized I needed to talk about it.  So I spilled my guts -- told her everything.

It started with what I thought was the problem--Cate having to cancel our getaway because of work and not being able to spend much time with me.  But next thing I knew I'm telling Dorothea about how much I miss Cate when I'm gone and how I wish she'd quit her job and travel with me and how worried I am because Cate's going through something and she won't tell me, won't let me help.

I gotta hand it to Dorothea--we may not be married anymore, but she knows me.  And she still loves me enough to sit and listen to all my shit, a lot of which must have been hard for her to hear.  I sat there and poured out my heart about being in love with another woman, and she didn't flinch.  She also didn't stroke my ego or pull any punches.

D told me she could understand where I'm coming from, but that I need to stop being a selfish ass and be thankful for what I have--a beautiful, strong, independent, loyal, adoring wife who loves not only me but my kids and my family and my friends.  She pointed out that she had done the things I want from Cate:  she traveled with me, she never had a career, she was there on the road when I was beat-up and tired and feeling used and abused.  She reminded me that it didn't make the grind any easier, it just gave me an outlet and a security blanket.  And that was back when I was young and naive and immature and still learning the business, not the confident, seasoned pro I am now.  Actually I think she said "over-confident control freak", ha ha.

Dorothea has a way of getting straight to the point.  One of the things I've always admired about her, even when it pisses me off or drives me nuts.  But she's usually right.  She was yesterday.  She looked me in the eye and said "Johnny, you've always needed to be half of a couple.  You don't do alone well."

That was an uncomfortable moment, for both of us.  I know she had the rest of that sentence going through her head, the part that went something like this:  "That's why I wasn't enough, why you had the other women.  It wasn't love, it wasn't sex, it was loneliness."  But she didn't say it.  She didn't have to.  I heard it anyway, loud and clear.

So we talked about that a little more, about my emotional needs and my professional drive and ambition and how my responsibilities and goals sometimes make me forget there are others in my life who have needs and desires and ambitions and responsibilities and goals, too.  Dorothea admitted she's a little envious of Cate's career; sometimes she wishes she had found a career of her own.  But she has no regrets about the choice she made, being my wife and the mother of our children.  Her only regret is that we grew apart like we did.  She said she misses me, the way I used to be, what we once had.  But she's moved on, and so have I, and she's glad I found a good woman who makes me happy even when I'm being a selfish ass like now.

Dorothea's always been my best therapist, and she doesn't charge $500 an hour and tell me "sorry, we'll have to continue this next week" when the hour's up.  Of course, what I pay her in alimony FAR exceeds that hourly rate, ha ha.  I'm thankful we can still talk like that.  She's still saving me from myself, after all these years.  She's a great woman.

So then she gave me back my phone and we picked at our meals and had coffee and talked about the kids and their schools and the colleges Steph is hoping to get accepted into.  An hour later we both gave in to temptation and ordered dessert.  While we were waiting Dorothea asked me if we could talk about Cate again, about what I had said earlier about her going through something personal and not letting me help.  Of course I said "sure," figuring D knows way more about women going through stuff than I ever will.  I was kinda surprised when D was quiet for a minute, then took a deep breath and started fiddling with her coffee cup.  Then she asked me if I thought Cate's "issue" involved our kids.

I didn't really know what to say--I have no idea what's going through Cate's head.  Hence my need for help and interpretation.  But the first thing that flashed into my mind was last Sunday, when Romey crawled in bed with us and I came out of the bathroom to find him hugging Cate and her crying.  I told Dorothea I didn't know, but possibly.  Then I told her what happened with Romeo.

D didn't respond to that right away.  She got that little furrow on her brow and she was nibbling at her bottom lip like she does when she's thinking.  Then she asked me if Cate had said anything to me about Steph.  I said no, other than discussing the Runaway Incident on the phone after it happened, but even then she wouldn't really say much because it was a matter for "Steph and her parents."  As I said those words it smacked me between the eyes -- "Steph and her parents."  Me, D, and Steph -- not Cate.   Then I remembered that Dorothea and Cate had some sort of words in the heat of the moment, and that Cate refused to tell me what happened.  And that D wouldn't let Cate take Steph Christmas shopping the next weekend.

Shit.

I asked Dorothea what she was getting at and she didn't answer right away.  Finally she sighed and said I wasn't going to like what she had to say, but that because of my concern for Cate she felt I needed to know.  Great.

Then Dorothea told me something that about knocked me on my ass.  It took a few minutes for me to wrap my head around it, to comprehend how it could have happened.  It's so out of character for D, I couldn't believe it.

Dorothea said she promised Cate she wouldn't tell me what happened between them because Cate didn't want me to be angry with D.  That day when Steph ran away Dorothea said something so uncharacteristically mean and spiteful to Cate--I can only imagine how Cate must have felt.  What happened was in the heat of the moment, when D was out of her head with worry, and she lashed out.  I know Cate understood that but it still must have stung like hell.

Dorothea told Cate she will never understand what it's like to be a mother because she was too selfish to sacrifice her career or her independence for a child.  Then she said Cate may be my wife now, but she'll never have the bond Dorothea and I have, through the children we made.  And blood will always be stronger than marriage vows.

I was stunned--I just sat there with my mouth hanging open, staring at D.  Strangely, I didn't get angry.  I don't know why.  You'd think my Italian blood would boil at the thought of somebody insulting my wife like that.  But it was D, and it was when she was out of her mind with panic, fearing for our daughter's safety.  I know she'd never say something like that to purposely hurt Cate.  And Cate--she didn't want me to be angry with Dorothea, so she swore her to secrecy.  That's why Cate would never tell me what happened, why she brushed it off and said it was nothing.

It was something.  I know my wife.  In her rational cop mind she understands the heat of the moment, Dorothea's panic, the whole deal.  But emotionally.... it wounded her.

But I don't know if that's what's going on with Cate now.  It happened over a month ago, and she and Dorothea have obviously made peace.  I know D regrets what happened; she apologized to me for what she said to Cate after I finally shut my mouth and processed what she had said.  I also know there was geniune regret back when it happened; I could hear it in D's voice when we talked though I had no idea at the time what was really happening.

Now it all makes sense to me:  D giving Cate the family charm bracelet for Christmas, letting her take Jess to the Giants game, letting the boys hang out at our house while I was gone, asking Cate to be on that committee with her at Jake and Romeo's school.  Dorothea really is trying to include Cate more in the kids' lives, trying to make her feel like an equal co-parent in our screwed-up family.

But she said it.  Blood is stronger than marriage vows.  You can't unring a bell.  And Cate will always have that painful memory to carry around.

Yeah, so that totally brought into perspective what a whiny, needy, selfish Prick I was being, grumbling because Cate was working her ass off this week instead of rolling around in bed with me in a private hideaway.  I'm still worried about her though, now more worried, not so much about her physical safety as her emotional state.

Dorothea apologized to me about ten more times while we ate our dessert.  I told her it was okay, what's done is done, and if she and Cate were cool that's what matters.  Then we got into the real deal about Steph's escapade and came to the conclusion that we had handled it appropriately, and that Steph had learned her lesson.

By that time our waiter was wondering if we were ever going to leave, so we finally rolled out of the cafe three hours after our lunch date.  We had some time to kill so Dorothea and I did a little window shopping, then headed for Jake and Romey's school.  They were excited to see me since they thought I'd be on another trip.  Then we went back to D's place and I helped the boys with homework, played some games, and just hung out.  D asked me to stay for dinner, so I did.  I stayed all evening, put the little guys to bed, checked homework for Jess and Steph.

About 10 pm the kids were all in their rooms and Dorothea opened a bottle of wine.  We sat on the couch together and talked a little more about what's going on with her life and mine, what's coming up in the next year.  I think we were both feeling a little nostalgic because after she refilled our glasses Dorothea sat down next to me and I put my arm around her and hugged her close.  She laid her head on my shoulder and slipped her arms around my waist, just like she always used to, back before everything changed.  But this time it just felt bittersweet.

We sat there for awhile, talking about the old days, remembering some of the good times and choosing to ignore the bad.  It was nice.  It was what I needed.

When I came home to an empty apartment I wasn't bitter or angry that Cate wasn't there waiting for me.  I missed her, but I knew I was in her heart while she was out busting her ass doing her job.  So I resolved to be patient and to tell her the second she came home that I missed her and I love her and I'm proud of her.

I'll give her awhile longer to sleep, then I'm gonna wake her up and tell her again.

2:30 pm
Living Room

Just sent Cate off to work again.  She promised she'd only be a few hours, just has to check in with the evidence techs, grab a work laptop and her notes and files, and be sure there aren't any Task Force events planned for tomorrow.  She said she's 99% sure there won't be any reason for her to go in to the office tomorrow--everybody has so much paperwork and evidence to sort through from these searches that there won't be any meetings for awhile.  Good.  Even if she has to work at least she'll be home and we can spend some time together.

She feels like shit, looks like she hasn't slept in days.  Her voice is all raspy and there are dark circles under her eyes.  And to add insult to injury she started her period.  I don't know how women do it, deal with their bodies going nuts every month.  Good thing most of them don't carry guns.  There would be a lot more male-victim homicides, ha ha.

Guess it's a good thing after all we cancelled the trip.  That would have put a damper on things.

Anyway, I promised NOT to cook dinner but to order in, and to give her a backrub later.  She smiled and kissed me and said she can't wait.

Me neither.