Monday, January 31

1:55 pm
Office

OH
MY
GOD
FUCKING
KILL
ME
NOW

I
AM
SO
FUCKING
SICK
OF
PHONERS!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear, I have NO IDEA what answers I've given to some of these stupid-ass questions.

My mind has been wandering off to every random topic imaginable.

Vanilla ice cream.  Athlete's foot.  The beach.  Getting an oil change done on the Mercedes.  Austin Powers.  That stripper with the green g-string back in Australia.  The Super Bowl.  Ordering Chinese food for dinner.

HOLY SHIT I'm bored.  Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.......

Fuck, I still have four more of these damned things to do.

Think I'll grow a beard.

Starting now.


10:05 pm
My Office

Cate's quiet tonight.  

In a good way, though.  Content.  Peaceful.  Thoughtful.

Thank God.  Don't think I could handle another marathon-bang like yesterday, ha ha.  Even Superman needs some downtime.

Apparently I satisfied her.  Heh heh.

Today was long and grueling but I survived all the damned phoners and a conference call about tour crap--with everything going on in Egypt who the hell knows what's gonna happen by the time we're supposed to hit that region in April.  And we're getting ready to announce new dates, so the promoter's in a frenzy, Matty and the FC people are bracing themselves.  I honestly just don't care--that's why I hire people to handle this shit.  They're the A-Team, the best in the business, so they'll do it right.  But it's my name on the marquee so I gotta know, I guess.  God knows I'll be the first person everybody points the finger at when there's the first tiny hiccup.

The whole time I was on the call couldn't get chicken lo mein out of my head, ha ha.  Pretty sad state of affairs when the Boss/CEO is daydreaming about dinner instead of listening to the best-laid plans. All day I craved Chinese food.  No idea why.  So when Cate got home we ordered in.  Curled up on the couch together with our bowls and chopsticks and watched TV and fed each other noodles and egg rolls.  It was sweet.

Gonna have to stop eating all this salty, starchy shit when I get back on the road.  Can feel myself getting soft and doughy.  I've been good about working out but it's been comfort food since Christmas.  Time to get back to chicken and fish and salads and brown rice.

Though Cate and I have been burning a few calories together, heh heh.

I'm gonna miss her when I go back out.  I always miss her, but this time it's gonna be harder, I think.  I'm gonna miss our first wedding anniversary.  And just knowing we may be taking a big step with our relationship has me so happy and excited it's gonna be hard to keep my head in the game.

Earlier we were stretched out on the couch together watching TV.  Cate was snuggled up against me and she had her head on my shoulder.  She unbuttoned my shirt and was stroking her fingers over my chest like she does.  She doesn't even realize she does it sometimes; I think it's just one of her little self-soothing habits.  She wasn't paying any attention to the TV, she was so deep in thought she didn't even realize I was watching her.

But she was ruffling her fingertips through my chest hair, then she started playing with my necklace.  She gently sorted apart all the tags, lining them up side by side on my chest.  Mine, hers, Dorothea's, the hearts for Steph and Jess and Jake and Romey.  She kinda got a little bittersweet smile as she touched each of the kids' charms in turn, then let her fingertip linger on my skin, where the next charm would be if there was one lined up beside Romeo's.  Where there would be another charm for another child.

I just laid there for a minute and watched her, then I asked her what she was thinking about.  That brought her back.  She smiled again and shrugged, then kissed my chest before she answered.  So quietly, so sweetly... the look on her face just made my heart soar.  "Our Baby," she said.

I must have looked really happy because she giggled, then very quickly clarified that she hasn't made a decision yet, she was still considering all the angles.  I told her that was okay, to take her time because this is a big decision that she should be sure about.  But inside I was jumping for joy that Cate seemed so hopeful and optimistic as she talked about the possibility of going through with this.  Then I asked her to tell me what she's been thinking about for the past few days, what's been going through her mind.

She was kinda hesitant at first, but she told me she's been replaying our conversation from the beach in her head, over and over.  She's been thinking a lot about what I said about being able to do whatever it would take for us to get pregnant, starting off with me getting my vasectomy reversed.  I must have looked guilty, because she immediately asked me "What?" when I didn't answer that right away.

My wife and her damned body-language-reading skills.

I admitted I had talked to my Doc about maybe getting the reversal done, and told her what he said.  She also got a chuckle when I told her he didn't believe me about our sex life.  But I didn't tell her about my conversation with my balls, ha ha.  Some things are just between me and the Boys.

Cate asked a few questions about Doc's recommendations, and asked me if that was something I was really okay with.  I told her I'm ready to do it right now, if that's what she wants.  Hell, I offered to let her do it to me with a pair of blunt chopsticks right there on the couch, ha ha.

I also told Cate I've had babies on the brain too.  How every time I see one I just smile and wonder if maybe someday soon we'll be pushing a stroller.  She seemed almost embarrassed to admit she's been doing the same thing.  She said she feels weird about being so tuned-in to babies, since she never really noticed them before.  She said suddenly it's like they're everywhere.

I guess that's something I never thought about from Cate's perspective.  This is all really new for her.  She never thought twice about having a child until just a few months ago.  No wonder she's been so quiet and introspective.  It must be hard to her, to try to come to terms with the idea that maybe she's not the woman she always thought she was.

Cate's always been tough, strong, somewhat unemotional and detached.  She is who she is because of years of training and the hard lessons of her profession and her life.  She's always been able to separate her emotions from her actions and her logical mind.  At least until I came along, or so she says.  Since we've been together she's finally allowed herself to soften, to relax, to become a woman.  Not just a female --  a woman, with needs and desires and an open heart and a nurturing instinct.

And now she's facing the truth of her womanhood -- the desire to have a baby.  I know it must have scared the shit out of her the first time she realized maybe she does want a child.   It probably upset her even more than what happened with Steph, more than what Dorothea said to her, the accusation she flung in Cate's face.  I believe Cate when she said Dorothea's words didn't hurt her.  But her own reaction to them rattled her.  Big Time.

The relief in her eyes when we finally talked about this told me everything.  She was afraid I wouldn't understand.  And now she realizes not only do I understand, I support her and I want the same thing she thinks she may want.

And if she ultimately decides she doesn't want a baby I'll understand that too.

I'll be disappointed, but I'll understand.

So tonight we laid there on the couch and talked about the pros and cons.  I told her everything the Doc said and what I thought about getting un-snipped, including how the procedure went the first time around.  That gave her a few giggles.  She told me she's pretty sure everything is normal with her too, though she didn't specifically discuss the possibility of pregnancy with her Doc.

Then we talked some about our jobs.  Cate doesn't really care so much about having a baby impacting her professionally.  She already walked away from her shot at ever becoming one of her agency's Top Dogs a couple years back, when she turned down her promotion and Branch Chief job at the Center to come here with me.  She's more concerned about how she'll be able to juggle motherhood and the demands of her job in terms of hours and travel and all that stuff.  I told her we'll work it out, hire a Nanny or do whatever it takes.

As for my job, the biggest thing right now is when the hell I'd have time to get the vasectomy reversal done.  The procedure itself won't take much, but the recovery time would be the issue.  We're on the road until the end of  July, a big chunk of it overseas.  And I can't dance around and shake my ass with a bag of frozen peas stuffed down my pants, ha ha.

Then we allowed ourselves to dream a little bit, about what our daughter would look like and what her name would be.  Apparently "Roxanne" is a no-go with Cate too.  Dammit.

It was a good talk, open and honest and heartfelt and hopeful.  I reminded Cate whatever she wants to do I'm fine with, and I reminded myself not to push her.  She has to come to this in her own time, in her own way.

I hope it's soon.