Tuesday, January 18

1:30 pm
Dentist's Office

Sitting here in the waiting room for my Favorite Thing On Earth.  God, I hate having my teeth cleaned.  As much damned money as I've spent on dentists over the years you'd think they could come up with some permanent non-cavity non-plaque non-dentist-office-visit Magic Pill.  I've literally put my money where my mouth is, yet here I am again.

There aren't even any good magazines here.  The one on top of the pile is that People Sexiest Man Alive issue.  The one with me in the Senior Section, ha ha.  Can't even see my million-dollar teeth in that photo.  Cate says that expression is my "come fuck me smolder."  She must be right, it usually works on her.  Come to think of it, it's rarely failed me, in my entire life.

What this place needs is porn.  A coffee table full of Playboy and Penthouse and Juggs and Hustler.  I guess they'd have to be equal-opportunity, and provide Playgirl too, for the Gals.  Or Martha Stewart Living.  That shit's like porn to some women, ha ha.  Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about that, where Jerry's dentist had porn in the waiting room?  Damned fine idea, I say.

Jake and Romeo's dentist caters to kids, their waiting room is like a damned carnival.  They have video games and movies and one of those climbing structure things.  Every time I take one of the Chuckleheads there they want me to play Rock Band on the Wii, up on that giant projection TV on the wall.  Yeah, right.  Like I'm gonna let a dentist's office full of soccer moms watch me FAIL at my own songs.

Next week I have more of these boring-ass appointments.  Have to do my annual physical for the insurance company, have to meet with the accountants and the lawyers, have to go over all the shit for our taxes.  That's the shitty thing about having a break in the tour, instead of just relaxing and enjoying myself I have to take care of all this crap I can't do when I'm on the road.

I guess it's no big deal, not like I'll be able to hang out with Cate next week anyway.  She has a case going to Grand Jury next week so she'll be on-call at the courthouse until her testimony's done.  She has no idea when  it will happen, just that the Assistant US Attorney plans to present the case sometime next week.  The wheels of justice, turning ever backwards, ha ha.

I'm trying to entice her to come to Colorado with me for the benefit this weekend.  I think I almost have her convinced.  If her week's not too crazy I think she'll take Friday off and fly out with me Thursday evening.  Maybe we can sneak in a little skiing, or at least a little snuggling by the fire at some ridiculously expensive ski lodge.  And we can practice our baby-making skills a little more, ha ha.

Practice makes perfect.

Christ, I'm bored.  Guess I'm gonna have to give in and read that October 2009 issue of Better Homes and Gardens....

9:45 pm
On the Couch

Sitting here in my sweatpants and rattiest t-shirt, got my feet up on the coffee table, having my favorite snack.  Got a plate of little buttered saltine and cheese sandwiches balanced right here on my belly.  Washing 'em down with beer.

Yep, Slobby Jon.  That's me tonight.  I'm even burping out loud, ha ha.

Cate's sitting across from me on the other couch.  I think she might be afraid to get too close to me.  She's probably thinking "Yeah, Girls.  Look at him now, this fucking Sexiest Rockstar Alive I married.  Got his damned feet up on the table and crumbs all over his shirt."  Ha ha.  I probably have butter on my chin too.  But I don't care.  This is GOOO-OOOD.

I bet this butter would taste even better if I was licking it off Cate's thighs, heh heh.

She just rolled her eyes at me.  She heard my dirty little chuckle as I scribbled that.

She's sitting over there, trying to look all gross and unattractive in her tight little t-shirt that shows off her nipples and her little flannel mini-boxers.  Showin' off those long legs while she paints her toenails.  She's trying to tease me, painting 'em Fuck-Me Red.  My wife has the sexiest damned toes.  I'm not even a foot guy, but DAMN.

I bet Rex Ryan would totally go for those toes.

Fuck you, Rex.  They're mine.  ALL mine.  Heh heh.

Cate just gave me another look.  Apparently I'm smirking too much while I write in my little book here.  She just asked me what I'm writing about.  I told her to get lost, I'm not telling her.  It's MY diary.

She said I have to let it out of my sight sometime.

Note to self:  DO NOT leave journal unattended, even for a second.  Take it into the shower with me if necessary.  Keep it with me when I'm on the can.

Damn, these crackers are good.  Beer's almost gone.  Too lazy to get up and get another one.  Oh Honey....

Yeah, right.  She ain't gonna get me another beer.

Cate asked if I'm writing about her.

I said no, I'm writing about Liz Hurley's tits.

She flipped me off.

Watch this.  I'm not gonna write anything at all, but I'm gonna do that little chuckle again.  It's gonna drive her nuts.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP.......  Heh heh.

HA!  Told ya.  She just growled at me to "STOP IT!"  Heh heh heh heh heh.... It's just too fun to fuck with her.

Well, it's more fun to actually fuck her.  But since I can't do that all the time -- God knows I've tried -- I'll fuck with her. It's a bonus feature of the marriage plan.

Now she's giving me the Stink-Eye.  She's not bad at it, but I'm better.  You have to be Italian to do it properly.  She has other ways of scaring me.

Ha ha -- this is KILLING her!  She asked me again what I'm writing.  I told her I'm drawing cartoon penises. She just arched an eyebrow at me and said "If you're drawing Richie's you're gonna need more paper."

Bitch.

I hate it when she's right.

Gonna fuck with her some more.  Scribble scribble scribble scribble.... Heh heh heh... Scribble Scribble Scribble....

Now she's threatening to come over here and kick my ass.  Yeah, right.  Her toes are wet.  She ain't gonna fuck up her nail polish.

Oh shit, maybe she is.  She's putting everything away.  ABORT ABORT ABORT!!!!!

Yeah, Baby, come on over here... I got some butter left.....