Wednesday, January 12

7:15 am
Living Room

Sometimes I watch the news and wonder what the Hell is going on with this world.  How is it we are all still in existence, all still living and breathing and haven't blown the planet up yet?

Seems like there's been nothing but bad news since the beginning of this New Year.  Washington DC has already had a dozen homicides and it's only 12 days into 2011.  Deranged college kids are buying guns and stalking elected officials and killing innocent men, women and children in grocery stores while all the fucking pundits can do is point fingers and blame each other.  Vegas showgirls are getting hacked to pieces, elderly couples are disappearing only to be found dead.  Hundreds of people are missing, swept away by flood waters in Australia.  The very spot where I stood a month ago is now a disaster area.  And here in the U.S. we have people freezing in winter storms because they can't afford to heat their homes, if they're lucky enough to have a home.

And an innocent 9-year-old girl who was born on 9/11 is being buried by her grieving family.  God, that story just rips my heart out.  How can her parents and grandparents and big brother ever be whole again?  They won't.  They can't.  It's incomprehensible, their loss.  It makes me sick to my stomach to imagine the overwhelming pain they must be suffering.  I don't think I could survive it, if I ever lost one of my kids.  It's hard enough to think of losing a parent, a spouse, a sibling... but a child.

Seeing all of this, taking it all in, makes me ashamed of how selfish I've been these past few weeks.  I'm so damned lucky to be happy and healthy and comfortable and to have great kids and a wonderful family.  And how did I spend my past few days?  Whining because my vacation plans got cancelled and my wife had to work.  Pissing and moaning because I don't get to be the center of her attention 24-7 while I'm home for a month, taking a break from my fucking glamorous job where I don't actually make a contribution to the betterment of the planet.  Okay, we do some good works through the Foundation and throw a lot of money at a lot of problems, but in the big scheme of things what do I really DO to help the state of the world?

Not much.  Not enough to make a real change, to make people wake up and see what's going in our world.  Yeah, I've helped a few people, and I feel really good about that.  But somehow it's not enough.

I feel so fucking helpless sometimes.

I guess I'm not the only one.  Cate and I have had this discussion before, more than a few times.  She gets down on herself and the state of the world too, especially with what she sees in her job.  I can't completely relate to the frustration she must feel when she works her ass off on a case, to try to bring the bad guys to justice only to watch them get a slap on the wrist because some fucking high-priced shark in a suit cuts a deal or finds some loophole or exploits a mistake some rookie beat cop made on the street or an Assistant U.S. Attorney made in the courtroom.  I get why she's cynical and jaded.  She sees so much of the bad it's almost like she's immune to the good.  In the two years we've been together she's changed, softened a little, opened her heart up more than ever before.  She tells me I'm the one who helped her do that, but I don't know.

I just don't know.  I was pretty far down that path to the darkness myself when she came into my life.  I guess we helped each other find our way back, together.

Christ, I gotta pull it together.  Don't know why I'm so gloom-and-doom this morning.  I should be happy.   I'm home, the snow's falling outside, my wife's still curled up in our bed, and we're spending the day hiding away from the world, just the two of us.  That doesn't happen often.  I should savor the moment, not sit here and brood about how shitty the world is.

And in a couple days Cate and I will be off on a little romantic adventure, where we're not gonna pay any attention to what's going on in the world.  No TV, no computer... hell, if I have my way no phones either.  I just want to lock out the world and get all tangled up in the sheets and in each other.

The snow's pretty.  I'm sure it's causing havoc on the streets, but up here it's quiet and peaceful and pretty.  Too bad the world can't be like that.  Quiet and peaceful and pretty.

2:20 pm
Back in from the Cold

My wife is so good for me.  She gets me.  She's so in tune with my thoughts and moods; way more than I am with hers.  She always knows how to make me feel better when I'm pissy or in a funk or just feeling grey.  And she's so damned Slick (pun intended, ha ha), half the time I don't even realize what she's doing until after it's done.

I guess it's all that psychological-warfare-profiler shit she learned in the military and law enforcement, tracking terrorists and criminals.  Cate's scary good at reading people and predicting what they're gonna say or do.  She used to teach interrogation, for fuck's sake.  Yeah, I better not ever try to tell her a whopper -- she'll figure me out in a second.  She says my body language is ridiculously easy to read, and I'm a shitty liar. Hell, even over the phone she'd have me figured out the second I opened my mouth.

This morning Cate could tell I was moody before I even said "Good Morning."  She came out to the living room where I was reading the paper, took one look at me, set down her coffee cup, pulled the paper out of my hands and tossed it on the table, and climbed on my lap.  She gave me the sweetest, softest kiss, then asked me what was wrong.

I told her nothing, other than the world sucks.  She agreed.  We talked about it a little and she managed to divert my disillusionment by pointing out all the good things the band and I have managed to inspire across the globe.  Creativity, tolerance, awareness, hope...

Guess I'm not a completely worthless piece of shit after all.

We had breakfast then both had to get moving.  I called Dorothea to check in with the kids and was surprised to hear they had school today.  Apparently the City was ready for this storm and even though we got like a foot of snow overnight it didn't really affect anything.  Cate could have gone to the office but decided to telework anyway, because she wanted to stay with me.

So we went off to our corners, her in my office and me in the living room, and clicked away on our laptops for like three hours.  Then Cate came out and announced we were going out for lunch.

We got bundled up and hit the streets.  It was cold but the sun was shining and the wind wasn't whipping around, so it wasn't bad.  I figured she just wanted to grab a bite somewhere in SoHo but Noooo....   She hailed a cab and we hopped in and headed Uptown.

My wife has a thing for hot dogs.  Don't know why, even she can't explain it.  She just loves them.  She doesn't even really dress 'em up--just mustard and kraut.  And she thinks the best hot dogs in the entire damned city are from some little vendor cart on Columbus Circle.

My wife's a little weird.

So we take a cab through midday traffic ALL the way to Columbus Circle, where we get out and go stand in line for hot dogs and coffee.  I have to admit, that made me laugh.  For such an intelligent, together woman, Cate has some strange quirks.  She doesn't care, she embraces them.  As do I, ha ha.

So we stand in the middle of Columbus Circle -- 'cause there's noplace to SIT -- in the fucking snow and cold, chowing down on these hot dogs that Cate HAD to have for lunch.  Of course I had to bitch and moan about why the hell we couldn't go to some nice warm restaurant, but Cate just grinned and told me to shut the fuck up.  She had that little sparkle in her eyes that told me she had something else up her sleeve.

After we finished inhaling our dogs, Cate hooked her arm into mine and led me toward the Park.  I asked her what she was doing, and she just smiled and said "We're going for a walk."

And that's what we did.  For the next hour we wandered through the Park, sipping coffee and talking about us and our family and friends and forgetting about work and life and the shitty state of the world.  The Park was gorgeous--everything was blanketed in fresh snow, the sun making it sparkle like it was sprinkled with Fairy Dust.  It had been a long time since I walked through Central Park for no reason other than to enjoy it.

When we got to the Bow Bridge I figured it out.  Cate didn't really want hot dogs for lunch.  She wanted to get me out of the house, to remind me to appreciate the beauty of the world since I was dwelling on the darkness.  And Central Park is at its most beautiful in the winter.  Cate hates cold and snow and so do I, but there is something magical about winter in NYC.  Something that makes you warm inside.

But nothing makes me warm inside like my Cate.  She makes all the grey turn to light.

11:15 pm
My Office

Getting ready to head for bed.  Got my bag packed up for tomorrow, everything ready to go.  Catching an early train to Philly for Foundation meetings.  Hopefully everything will be on time; want to get my business done and get home.  Cate's only working half a day tomorrow; she has a doctor's appointment after lunch and is coming home right after.  She'll be home before me.  Can't wait to walk in the door and say "Honey, I'm home!" and get that "How was your day, Dear?" kiss.

Today was a good day.  Started off kinda bleak, but tonight all is well in my world.  Not that it ever really wasn't -- I just let myself get drawn toward the darkness a little this morning.  I don't know why I get so pissed off and upset about things I can't control.  Maybe I feel guilty for having such a good life.  God knows I worked my ass off for it and I've made my share of sacrifices.  But still, I'm lucky as hell to be able to make a very comfortable living doing the one thing I love as much as my family.

And I'm doing my best to be a good person, to give back, to try to make a little bit of change for the good in my corner of the world.  Tomorrow I'm gonna see what the next step is, what new direction the Foundation is gonna expand into.

Cate reminded me today of my own words.  She said "Baby, don't forget... it's the Power of We.  Not the Power of Me."  She's absolutely right.  I have to remember that.  I'm not really Superman, I just have this faded-out old tattoo that I was vain enough to get back when I was a stupid young kid who thought he had the world by the tail.  All I can do is try my best to make a difference in whatever way I can, even if it's just using my celebrity to shine a light toward someone in need.

I only have to be Superman for one person, and she loves me even when I trip on my cape.

Time to hit the sheets, I'm tired and achy and creaky and sore.  It ain't easy getting old.  Superman needs his beauty rest, ha ha.  The world will still be here to rescue in the morning.