12:45 pm
Living Room
It's quiet here.
I'm not used to all this quiet, to just hanging around the house by myself. Used to be I'd come home on tour breaks and Dorothea would be around, kids would have dentist and doctor appointments and playdates and lessons and activities to chauffeur to. Romey wasn't in school yet, so we had naps and and books to read and games to play... it was chaos when I'd come home. Good chaos.
Now it's just me. My wife's at work, kids are in school, Dorothea doesn't live here anymore.
This is what it feels like to get older. It's like empty nest, I guess. Lonely.
It's been a long time since Dorothea and I really talked, just the two of us with no kids around. Tomorrow I'm gonna meet her for lunch then we're going together to pick up Jake and Romeo from school. We'll have a few hours to catch up. With the holidays she and I didn't really have a chance to get in-depth about the Runaway Incident and what's going on with Steph and the Boys. Hell, I hardly even had a chance to talk to Steph's boyfriend. Certainly didn't get to put the fear of God into him like I wanted to. So much for protective Daddy--can't even find time to torment the Girl's suitors.
Tomorrow Cate and I were supposed to be on a plane, headed off to our little getaway. Instead she'll be out the door before dawn with her bulletproof vest and her gun and her blue jacket with the big yellow letters. I may not get to see her at all tomorrow, depending how long this search takes. All she could tell me is that it's a big one--several locations at once and they're taking the bad guys into custody. Hell, I may not see her until next week, the way this thing sounds.
She was tired last night when she finally got home. Good husband I am, I had dinner ready and waiting--flowers, wine, candlelight, music, the works. Nino's is the BEST, by the way--for an extra $20 they had the food here in 10 minutes. Over their incredible baked ziti and salad I fessed up to Cate that I tried to make dinner and sucked at it. That made her laugh, made her tired eyes sparkle. She said she loved me for trying but to stay the hell out of her kitchen, except to wash the dishes.
She also said she knew something was up when I greeted her at the door in leather pants. Can't get anything past my wife, ha ha. Even when she's exhausted her powers of deduction are almost superhuman.
We snuggled on the couch for a little bit after dinner, but she was dozing off so I sent her to bed and cleaned up. While I'm pissed we're not vacationing together this week, what I hate more is that she's gonna be completely worn out by the time the week is over. This job runs her ragged. It's no easy life, being a cop, for damned sure. And Cate's not even a street cop--for which she routinely thanks her lucky stars and higher education, ha ha.
But it's a different kind of weariness for her; the responsibility of being a leader, being at the top of her game and thus always in demand. I can relate to that, kinda. But it's not like she can really say "no" when she's needed. She took an oath to protect and serve, and she takes it seriously. But it still sucks all the same when her job gets in the way of our life together.
This morning she was quiet, kind of melancholy. I peeked in on her in the bathroom and saw her standing in front of the mirror, her arms kinda wrapped over her middle like she does sometimes when she doesn't feel well. She looked sad. Don't know what's going through her head, if it's post-holiday blues or hormones or whatever--it is about her time of the month. But she just wasn't herself. To me she looked kinda like I felt a few months ago, when we were in South America. Just weary and down and grey.
I didn't pry. I have learned a few things in the almost two years we've been together. I just gave her space, was gentle and quiet and gave her an extra-long hug and kiss goodbye before she left for work.
Hope I can make her smile again tonight.
9:30 pm
Living Room
Still waiting for Cate to come home. She called an hour ago and said they were doing last minute ops plan review to be sure they're ready for tomorrow, that she'd be home as soon as she can. She has to be in the office by 6 am tomorrow. Hope she makes it home soon.
She sounded so tired. I was hoping we'd have some time to spend together tonight, but she needs to get some sleep. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day for her. She needs to be prepared. There are literally lives at stake. Even though she assured me this is a low-threat operation, she knows I know the inherent risks. I've been through the training--her training. We understand each other, and we just don't talk about it. But we both know.
Been sitting here at the piano for the better part of the last hour, just clanking around on the keys. I have a melody in my head that may become something, but I don't know what. Can't find any words to go with it. It's kinda mournful and moody, lots of minors. I was thinking of Cate, the way she was this morning, and just started to pick out this tune.
Maybe when she comes home we'll have time for a glass of wine and some music. I'll play something for her, anything she wants. She loves it when I play the piano, even though I'm not very good. She always wanted to learn, never had the time or opportunity. I have a feeling she could use a couple good love songs tonight.
I miss her. Sucks to be here alone, wishing she'd come home. Wonder if this is how she feels when I'm gone? Don't know what's worse, knowing you're going to bed alone at night because the one you love is far away, or wondering when or even if he/she is coming home to you that night. Either way, sitting here on the other end for once, I feel guilty for putting her through it for so many days, weeks, months at a time.
I really hope she can take a few days next week, for herself and for me. For us. We need to spend some time together, alone. We need to talk. We need to remember what it's like, just the two of us holed up together in some little hideaway with no distractions, no responsibilities, no commitments to anyone but each other.
Sitting here wasted and wounded at this old piano....
I wrote those words for Dorothea a long time ago. I'm feeling them tonight, for Cate.
Hmmmm...
ReplyDeleteSomething is up with Cate....