Sunday, March 20

5:30 am
My Room

Life is complicated.

How the hell did I ever find not one woman, but two who were willing to love me?  To put up with my stupid shit and be patient and strong and supportive?  God knows I didn't do anything do deserve them.  I've been nothing but an egotistical pain in the ass since I was a kid.

But somehow I got lucky.  First with Dorothea, then with Cate.  Somehow they both see through my bullshit and understand the man I really am.  Thank God they understand all the flaws, too.  Because I'm a fucking idiot.

I feel like a complete heel for what I did to Cate.  I honestly didn't mean to hurt her feelings by not telling her Dorothea and the kids were coming here this weekend.  I'm just stupid -- I forgot to tell her.  But that's no excuse.  I guess I knew on some level that she would feel a little left out; that's why I had that notion in my head that I needed to tell her person-to-person.  And I was right.

She didn't call me before the show.  She did send me a text right before the huddle, saying she loves me and to have a good show.  I fired back a "Forgive me?" to which she just sent Xs and Os.  No "Yes" or "No" or "Go fuck yourself."  Just little tic-tac-toe letters.

That's the last I've heard from her.  I didn't want to call her after the show in case she was sleeping.  I texted her, haven't heard back.  Hopefully she'll call me any minute now to say Good Morning.

So after the show last night I hung out in the hospitality room with the kids a little bit before Dorothea took them back to the room.  I was really glad they were here -- all the families were in for the weekend.  Lexi brought Colton and Gabby and Lily, Ava was here, even Little Teek.  I would have been so lonely without my family.  Once again I thanked God for my good relationship with Dorothea, that she would volunteer to be here for me.

After family time we had to do the promoter shit so the girls took the kids back to the suites.  I guess Steph and Gabby and Ava all ended up in Dorothea's room going through their shopping bags together.  Jesse went off somewhere with Uncle Tony and Dorothea got Jakey and Romeo to bed.  Apparently they didn't fight her too much, they were worn out from a long day.

So as I was sitting in the party room watching Davey and Lexi and Teek and Ali and Richie and Nikki I really missed Cate.  I'm not used to being the only one at the party without a pretty girl to chat up.  Of course there were the ususal wanna-be groupies slinking around the room, but that's not what I wanted.  I wanted to talk to a woman, someone smart and charming and funny and beautiful.

I ducked out of the party early, headed back up to the room and bribed my daughter and Gabby to keep an eye on the boys.  Then I went next door and told Dorothea to grab her purse and come with me -- we're going out on the town.

She protested a little, but I could see from her smile that she was happy for the invitation.  I checked in with PK and told him where we were headed, then Dorothea and I snuck out the back way to avoid the concertgoers in the casino.

Our night on the town was pretty low key -- after all, I'm an old fart.  I wouldn't dare call Dorothea old, mind you.  Just myself, ha ha.  We went to a couple clubs down the Strip, at the Bellagio and the Wynn.  The one at the Wynn was really nice, had a live band in the lounge.  Dorothea and I ended up staying there a couple hours, sharing a couple bottles of wine and talking and dancing.

A lot's changed in both of our lives.  Not just our relationship as friends and former lovers, but who we are, what we've become.  Dorothea said I'm wiser now.  I said I'm crankier, ha ha.  She didn't argue.  We talked about the kids and our parents and siblings and about the people who have come into and left our lives.

And we talked about Cate.  I told Dorothea about my fuck-up, not telling Cate about her and the kids coming on the road with me.  As usual, Dorothea didn't pull any punches.  She told me I was absolutely right, I am an idiot.  But she also said she knows everything will be fine because Cate trusts me and she loves me.

There was something in the way Dorothea looked at me when she said that, something that made me want to hold her hand.  It was almost a little flicker of sadness, even though D had a little smile on her lips.

It made me wonder if she misses me.  And it made me realize I miss her.  I miss what we had, even though I know we will never have it again.  Dorothea will always be my first love, the great love of my life.  I don't know how I'd survive without her to lean on, even though we're not husband and wife any more.

As much as I adore and worship my wife, the love Cate and I share is different.  It comes from a different place, it's a more mature and grounded and passionate devotion than Dorothea and I ever shared.  We've both survived the trials and disappointments and heartaches of life.  We had an instant connection, just some kind of innate understanding that our souls fit together.  Cate and I complete each other, strengthen each other.

I'd never put Cate through the shit poor Dorothea endured.  I look back on all the hard years and realize D was a Saint to stand behind me so long.  She should have kicked my ass to the curb many times.  But she didn't because she loved me.  When we did finally separate, she still loved me.  But she came to realize that she had to love herself enough to let go of me, because I couldn't give her what she needs.

I haven't failed at much in my life, but I failed Dorothea.  I'm not gonna make that same mistake with Cate.

We talked about Dorothea's love life a little bit too.  She's been dating a little, off and on, which I knew.  But she's so devoted to the kids that she's not looking for anyone.  She said she doesn't need a man in her life; she's in a good place right now, happy with herself.

I told her I'm glad; all I ever wanted was for her to be happy.

When the band finally packed it in we came back here.  The girls were all sacked out in Dorothea's room and the Chuckleheads and Jesse were all snug in their beds in the other suite, so I told D to stay here, to sleep in my bed and I'd take the couch.  She agreed but told me not to be stupid, to sleep in the bed.   After all, we're both adults, we've known each other almost our whole lives.  It's not like she was going to attack me or try to seduce me or anything.

She snuck into her bathroom next door and took out her contact lenses, then came back in to my room in her pajamas.  I had already gotten into bed and was watching CNN, getting the lastest gloom-and-doom update on the state of the world.  Dorothea slipped in next to me and watched for a minute, then yawned.  When I looked at her she gave me a little smile, then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  "Goodnight, Johnny," she said, then slid down and fluffed up her pillow before laying her head on it, like she's done ever since I've known her.  That made me smile.

I turned off the TV and settled down myself, closing my eyes at taking a deep breath and trying to relax.  It didn't take me long to fall asleep -- I was beat.  I just didn't realize it until I stopped moving long enough to let the fatigue set in.

It was only a couple hours later that I woke up.  With my arms around Dorothea.  Apparently old habits die hard.

I just laid there for a long time, remembering what it used to be like to come home after a hard trip and crawl into bed in the wee hours and take refuge in her embrace.  How she always comforted me, no matter what the problem.  How she always felt like Home.

But today waking up with Dorothea in my arms just felt bittersweet.  I laid there wishing she was Cate, wondering if Cate's missing me as much as I am her.  And if she's forgiven me for my stupidity.

Or if she would even entertain the thought of forgiveness if she knew I was laying here in my hotel bed with my ex-wife curled up beside me.

Finally I very quietly slipped out of bed and left Dorothea to sleep.  I'm tired as hell too, could use a few more hours myself.  But there's no way I'm gonna sleep until I've talked to Cate and sorted this all out.

I hope she calls soon.


4:55 pm
Pool

Finally a few minutes to myself.

Dorothea's off at the Spa, Steph and Gabby are babysitting Jake and Romey over in the other pool.  I snuck away so I could just sit here in the sun and bake and have a beer and hear myself think.  Yeah, I'm still on Daddy duty, but I'm on a break.

I love having the kids with me, but Jesus are they exhausting.  Not so much the big ones, but the little ones.  I don't know where the Hell Jake and Romeo get their energy.  Guess it comes from them not having any worries or cares.  They just live life a minute at a time.  At about a thousand miles an hour.

Thank God my Darling Daughter loves her little brothers and is willing to look after them.  For the right price, anyway.

Things were kind of awkward between me and Dorothea this morning.  When she woke up I was asleep on the couch; I guess I dozed off while I was waiting to hear from Cate.  She didn't say anything but I can tell she knows what happened, that I woke up with her in my arms, like the old times.  Thank God we both woke up before the kids, though.  The last thing we need is to be explaining to Steph and Jess why Mom and Dad were "sleeping together" when we're divorced and Dad has a wife.  I know they'd understand, but still... a conversation best avoided.

It was almost lunch before I heard from Cate.  Jess and I went with Teek and some of the guys to play a round of golf this morning.  He enjoyed it but I didn't very much.  I'm a shitty golfer anyway, and my head was so far out of the game that I positively blew.  After the 10th hole I gave up and just drove the cart and drank my Bloody Mary.

Cate didn't call, she sent me a text.  It just said good morning and asked how the show went.  I immediately tried to call her but she didn't pick up.  I was sure she was avoiding me until I realized my signal was shit and I got a whole bunch of texts and emails all at once.  So she probably sent the text awhile before.

And she was probably wondering why I wasn't answering her.

So I sent her back a whole series of texts (damned character limits) telling her I miss her and love her and that the show went well.  I apologized again for not telling her about Dorothea and the kids, and asked her to call me as soon as she could so I could explain.  And so I could hear her beautiful voice.

Well, I got no response while we were on the course, but she did text me back while we were having lunch.  She said she couldn't call right then, she was in a "brief."  But she said she wanted to talk to me too, and that she misses and loves me.

After golf and lunch Jess and I went back to the hotel and picked up the Chuckleheads, then we all went out to the Mini Grand Prix track.  We had a blast driving the Go Karts and playing in the arcade.  Jakey even got me to go down the big slide with him and Romeo, and Jess got it all on video.  It was a fun boy's day out while the girls went out and did their girly stuff.

Even Russell had fun, according to Romeo.  He liked the popcorn.

(It worries me that I'm now speaking of Russell as if he's a real creature.  I gotta get more sleep.)

Anyway, I was so wrapped up in having fun with the boys that I missed a call from Cate.  Goddamnit.  I didn't notice until I pulled out my phone to call Dorothea and tell her we were headed back to the hotel.  Of course when I tried to call Cate back she didn't answer.

So once we made it back to the hotel we all decided to hang by the pool for awhile.  The girls were back and headed out to sunbathe and I could tell Jess wanted to go check out the T&A display.  And quite frankly, baking my old bones under the warm sun sounded Heavenly.

Once everybody got changed and I got them herded out of the suite and down to the pool and set up with drinks and snacks and everything (which took for fucking ever) I fled over here to the adults-only pool.  And the first thing I did after I flagged down a waitress and got a drink was pull out my phone and call my wife.

Thank God she finally answered.  I swear, hearing her soft "Hey, Baby" in my ear was the best thing that's happened to me in 2 days.  I just breathed a big sigh of relief and slumped back against my chair and closed my eyes.

I asked her how she's doing, how things are going.  She gave me the stock "You know I can't say anything" answer, but I could hear in her voice that it wasn't going well.  She sounded tired, resigned, frustrated.  At least I hope she sounded that way because of her case, not because of me.

And I think she was distracted, like she was half-paying attention to something else while we talked.  I know she wasn't operational, she wouldn't have answered the phone if she was.  Hell, she wouldn't have been even carrying her personal phone if she was on the move.  She was definitely off-duty or at least on a break.    But there was something going on, something I had to ignore.

So after a little small talk I took a deep breath and told Cate what I needed to say.  I apologized again for not telling her about D and the kids coming out, and told her the whole story from the beginning -- how the idea came up, when they got here, what we've been doing, the works.

Well, except for the part about Dorothea sleeping in my room last night.  No reason to bring that up.  Not that Cate has anything to worry about.  I just don't want to make her feel worse.  After all, she was supposed to be in my bed and in my arms this weekend.

When I was done talking Cate was kind of quiet.  I could hear a little hitch in her breathing, like she was struggling to keep her emotions in check.  That make me feel like a complete shit.  But her voice was even and gentle, and she told me everything is okay.  She said she wasn't going to lie; she's disappointed she couldn't be here.  And  she especially wishes she could be here with the kids, to try to be a part of the family.

She didn't sound jealous, just sad.  That's what hurt my heart most of all.  I could picture her beautiful eyes, the way they get all dark and swirl like storm clouds when she's upset or angry.  I hate making her look like that.

So we talked a little more before Cate said she had to go.  She told me to give her love to the kids and to give Russell and extra scratch behind the ears for her.  That made me smile -- my wife "gets" this imaginary pet thing too.  And she said to tell Dorothea hello and to thank her for keeping me out of Richie's clutches this weekend.  She said it tongue firmly in cheek, but I know there was more than a little truth to Cate's comment, ha ha.

I asked Cate when she was coming home.  She said she wasn't sure but it would probably be soon, as soon as she could fly.  I don't know what she meant by that, but I know enough not to ask.  So I just told her to be careful and to let me know as soon as she does when she's headed home.  And I suggested maybe she can come join me in Vancouver next weekend if she gets home soon.  She said she'll see how things go.

But most of all I told her I love her and I begged her to call me again tonight before she goes to sleep, so I can sing her a lullaby.  She promised she would.

Now here I sit, finally breathing a little easier and finally able to relax a little.  I can't undo my dumbass mistake but at least we talked it out.  And Dorothea was right, everything is fine.  Cate loves me and trusts me.  And I'm sure as hell not gonna give her any reason not to.

Not on purpose, anyway.

So I'm gonna take another five minutes to enjoy the rest of my beer, then go jump in the pool with my kids and shift gears from Husband back to Dad.