Thursday, March 24

9:15 am
Richie's Guest House

Think I fucked up.  Big time.

I was sitting at the breakfast table this morning with Richie and Dorothea and Jake and Romey, talking about what we were going to do today.  Richie had the Today Show on that flat-screen in his kitchen and we were kinda half-listening to it while we were chatting.

Richie was teasing Romeo about taking him to the zoo and putting him in the monkey cage and Jakey was laughing and Dorothea was just watching them and smiling while she drank her coffee.  I had one eye on the TV, waiting for the weather forecast to see if it was supposed to clear up so maybe we could hit the beach later and see some actual sun.

Well Natalie Morales was doing the news, and she's hot, so of course she caught my attention.  She was doing a little feel-good piece on this YouTube video that's gone viral, of a cute little baby laughing and giggling then freezing when he sees/hears his Mama blow her nose.  I saw it a couple days ago, it's adorable.  Anyway, they were showing the video and I got everybody's attention and told them to watch.  We all got a good chuckle out of it.

After Natalie went on to another story I was just sitting there grinning and sipping at my coffee and thinking about how funny that baby was and kinda daydreaming of all the fun little moments like that Cate and I have to look forward to.  I guess I must have chuckled to myself or something because Richie noticed and asked me what was so funny.  Without thinking I answered him honestly -- that I can't wait until Cate and I have a little one running around the house.

The second the words were out of my mouth I thought Oh FUCK!  I know I grimaced, and I closed my eyes.   Every bit of noise except the TV went silent, just stopped.  Even Jake and Romeo were quiet, though I don't think they knew why.  They must have just picked up that something was strange.

 When I opened my eyes again Richie was just staring at me with his mouth hanging open, then he got his gigantic grin on his face and said "Dude, that's AWESOME!"  He stuck out his hand across the table, and of course I shook it.

And then I looked at Dorothea.  She looked like she had seen a ghost.  When our eyes met she quickly looked away, took a big gulp of her coffee and tried to hide her expression behind her mug.  She pulled it together fast, though.  She gave me a little smile and said "Johnny, that's wonderful."  But I could hear the tremble in her voice.

Christ, I didn't want to tell her like that.  Actually, I didn't want to tell her or Richie or anybody else until Cate was ready for them to know.  Hell, we hadn't even really talked about telling anyone yet, because her actually getting pregnant is still a ways off.

I know Dorothea's shocked.  After all, when Romeo was born I said I was done, my family was complete.  She went with me when I got my vasectomy.  She's the mother of my children, the only woman who can say that.  For now, anyway.  I hope she's not angry or threatened that Cate and I want to have a baby.  It won't change how important she is, she will always be, to me.

Her head must be spinning right now.  God, I hope she's not pissed or resentful.  If I know Dorothea she's telling herself this is a good thing, she wants me to be happy, it's none of her business because she's not my wife anymore.  But I also know her well enough to know it must hurt, too, to think of me sharing a child with someone else.  I'm not naive enough to think it wouldn't affect me if she were to bear another man's child, even though she's not my wife anymore.

I need to talk to Dorothea, to apologize for blindsiding her with this.  To tell her the whole story.

Well, maybe not the whole story.  I don't think D needs to know that she's actually the one who set this whole chain of events in motion, in a way.  She doesn't need to know how much her angry words hurt Cate, back when the Runaway incident happened.  That's not my secret to tell; it's Cate's.  Plus it would make Cate sound like she wants to have my baby out of spite or something.

Oh Jesus, this is more complicated than I thought.

Not to mention that I have to tell my wife I opened my big yap and let the cat out of the bag.

Shit.  Guess I better call Cate and beg forgiveness.  Again.  I should have that move perfected by now.