Tuesday, March 22

8:20 am
My Room

Jess snores.  Loud.

He bunked in here with me last night because the Chuckleheads were being pains in his ass.  At least I didn't have to share a bed with him.  Christ, if I did I'd probably be deaf.  It was bad enough with him across the room.

Are all my kids determined to keep me from getting a good night's sleep?

Woke up this morning to a cheery little e-mail, from the Dick Doc's Office.  It's a reminder that my "procedure" (apparently we don't call it what it is--surgery) is only 10 days away and that there are some things I need to do to prepare for the big day.  Such as:

• Review the information on Doc's website and write down any questions I may have about the procedure  (I'll do it later, on the plane to SLC)
• Make arrangements for someone to accompany me to the surgical center, remain for the duration of the procedure, and to transport me home (Cate)
• Refrain from using aspirin or anti-inflammatory medication for 10 days prior to the procedure; use of meds may increase risk of bleeding during the procedure.  (Well, that's gonna suck, considering all my Old-Man shaking-my-ass-all-night aches and pains)
• Do not eat or drink anything at least 8 hours prior to the procedure (That's gonna suck even more than no Aleve)
• Shower thoroughly and shave the front portion of my scrotum the morning of the surgery.  (WHAT?  I have to do it myself?)
• Wear loose-fitting pants or sweatpants and bring snug underwear or an athletic supporter to wear post-procedure.  (Track pants and jockstrap.  Check.)

Oh joy.  This is gonna be fun.


12:15 pm
Plane

Hopping over to Utah to go to work.

Jess is riding with me today.  Now that he's awake, ha ha.  It ain't easy waking up a teenage boy.  Especially one that can sleep through seismic snoring.

Dorothea's taking the Chuckleheads to the San Diego Zoo today, Steph is helping keep them in line.  If Steph ever gets smart and tries to bill us for her Brother-Minding services D and I are gonna be broke.  Well, I will be anyway.

But my eldest son wasn't interested in checking out the animals.  I think he'd rather check out the Mormon Girls, ha ha.  He does have excellent taste.  Over the years there have been some absolutely fucking beautiful women in the SLC crowds.  With big hooters.  Which is pretty much what Jesse's interested in, ha ha.  So he's hanging with the Boys today and tonight.

We're gonna bunk with the Band here in SLC tonight and catch up with the family again tomorrow in Cali.  Think we're just gonna hang on the beach for a day before we head North.  Maybe stay at Richie's place in Laguna.  We'll see.  Right now we're just winging it, which is kinda fun.

Just spent about 20 minutes reading over the Doc's website about the "procedure" I'm having next week.  Nothing there I didn't already read about when I started thinking about this.  But there is one thing I do need to talk to Cate about -- whether we should have the Doc harvest some of my swimmers and keep 'em safe, just in case.  I remember Doc mentioning that when we did our sit-down but I didn't really understand what he meant.  But I guess it's something Cate and I should decide on before I'm sitting there in my hospital gown with my nuts all shorn, ha ha.

Cate sent me a text about an hour ago -- said she couldn't call but it looks like she'll be flying home late tonight.  Maybe she'll be home by the time I get offstage and I can call her then.  From the tone of her text it sounds like she's not very happy.  The words "get this shitty trip over with" kinda tipped me off.

Yeah, maybe it's better she doesn't have time to talk.  And maybe I better put off that sperm-harvesting conversation until she's in a better mood.

4:45 pm
Venue

Just did a meet-and-greet with a bunch of radio contest winners and a photo op with Miss Utah.

Christ, she was gorgeous.  A blue-eyed brunette.  With a killer body.

Thank God I have a couple minutes to myself before a quick soundcheck.  I had to get away from my kid for a minute, try to collect myself.   I'm supposed to be Mister Cool and In Control here, right?  Yeah, not so much at the moment.

Jesse picked up on it in about ten seconds flat, while I was grinning for the cameras.  When Jesse wasn't staring at Miss Utah's tits I saw his eyes drop to my crotch, then he smirked.  He knows.  Hell, he probably had an instant boner himself when she walked in the room.

So right now I'm hiding out in my quick-change.  Trying to get Superman to go back into his phone booth and stay there.

Staring at that hot pic of my nude wife curled around my red guitar.

Which is NOT helping matters.

Gonna have to turn on the charm, convince Cate to fly out to meet me in Vancouver.  May have to break out the bandana and the lace-up leather pants to lure her away from home.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Jesus, I need to get laid.