Sunday, April 10

7:45 pm

Porch

Oh my fucking GOD what a day.  The fucking DRAMA.  How does Dorothea deal with this shit all the time? I'm certainly not equipped for it.  Especially on not enough sleep.

Things were going along just fine last night.  Great, in fact.  We had popcorn, we watched the movie, we laughed our asses off.  It was sweet.  I didn't even mind that Steph was practically on Brendan's lap and he had both arms wrapped around her.  Well, not much, anyway.  At least I could see his hands.

And Cate cuddled up next to me and kept murmuring in my ear.  Mainly teasing me for being an overprotective Daddy.  But that didn't stop me from asking her, when we paused the movie for a pee break, if her duty shotgun was still in the hall closet or if she remembered to put it in the trunk of the car.  Ha ha.  And I made sure Brendan heard it.

Cate told me I was bad.

We stayed up until about 1:30 am, then finally Cate and I turned off the TV and headed everybody to their rooms.  I made sure to hang around until Brendan said his goodnight to Steph and went in his room, down at the other end of the hall.  Steph gave me the stink-eye because I stood in the hallway and watched him kiss her goodnight, ha ha.  Yeah, she'll get over it.  Then she and Bridget went in her room and she slammed the door a little harder than necessary.  

Jess just kinda grunted "night" at me and went in his room and probably got on his laptop.  That kid is such a night owl, no wonder he never wants to get up in the morning. 

So Cate and I went in our room and got ready for bed.  I wasn't the least bit tired and since I'm still in the no-sex penalty box we decided to watch a little TV.  We found an episode of Sopranos on A&E; Cate curled up against my chest and we giggled at Stevie's freaky hair and chatted about random shit.  Cate saw I was keeping one eye on the bedroom door and she smacked me gently and told me to chill out, they're good kids.

A couple commercial breaks in I was dozing off, but I had to take a leak so I got out of bed and wandered to the bathroom.  I took my piss and headed back to bed and happened to look out the window.  And immediately I was wide awake.  There was a light on in the Shoe Inn.  And I knew for damned sure there weren't any lights on out there before.  

So I yanked on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt and went charging down the hall to Steph's room.  I was ready to barge in when I realized Bridget was in there too, wearing who knows what, so I probably didn't need to burst in unannounced and see any teenaged boobs or anything.  So I knocked.

No fucking answer.

By this time Cate was out in the hallway, calling me fucking insane and telling me to calm down and come back to bed.  And I saw her smirking.  She thought the whole thing was funny, me all pissed-off and befuddled because my daughter snuck out of the house with her boyfriend to do God-knows-what.  Well shit, I knew what Brendan was up to, and I wasn't going to stand for it under my roof.  Especially in MY Pub, Goddammit.

So I go charging down the back stairs and out the back door in my bare damned feet.  The chill and the fresh air to my brain must have cooled me down just a little bit, because when I reached the door to the Inn I actually paused and took a deep breath.  It was then I realized I may be walking in on something I really didn't want to see.  Shit.

But I couldn't help myself.  So in I went.  And sure enough, there they were, back in the back.  The jukebox was playing and there were two half-naked bodies all tangled up on my leather couch.  I was just ready to yell "What the fuck is going on in here?" when I realized something wasn't quite right.

For one thing, Steph isn't a redhead.  And Brendan isn't blond.

Goddamned Jesse.  AGAIN. 

Well, before I could say a word Jesse and Bridget saw me.  She squealed and he just groaned.  I started to yell, but my last encounter with my randy son and his girl-of-the-moment flashed through my head.  So I took a deep breath and said "get it together, you two."  Then I turned my back and waited for Bridget and Jesse to get dressed.  

I swear to God, it was damned near impossible to stand there for the eternity it seemed to take for those kids to make themselves presentable, but I did it.  I'm not sure if steam was coming out of my ears or not, but it's a distinct possibility.   Finally Jess said "okay, Dad" and I turned around.  They were sitting side by side on the couch in their pajamas, holding hands, looking like little kids who got caught raiding the cookie jar.

Yeah, I'd say so.

So I took a deep breath and counted to ten before I said anything.  And I was pretty proud of myself when I did talk.  I was calm, cool, didn't yell or freak out.  I very sternly told Jesse he knew the Inn was off-limits tonight; I had already made that clear.  And I said it was pretty obvious what I had just walked in on, and I was disappointed that they had snuck out here for some illicit little rendezvous, because everybody was supposed to be in bed asleep.  Then I told them to get their asses back to the house and to bed.  In their separate rooms.  And that we'd discuss this in the morning.

So Jesse and Bridget got up and headed for the door, heads hanging, when it dawned on me that Bridget was supposedly sleeping in Steph's room.  But nobody answered when I knocked on the door.  So where the fuck was Steph?

I wasn't quite so calm about that.  I said "wait just a damned minute" and the kids froze.  I asked Bridget where Stephanie was and she said she didn't know.  She said they both went to sleep and she woke up when she heard Jess knock at the door.  She got up to answer the door and Jesse told her to come with him.  She noticed then that Steph wasn't in her bed.

Of course that flipped me the fuck out.  I knew exactly where she was -- in bed with Brendan, in my guest room.  Goddamnit!  So I yelled at the kids to get back to the house and I bolted out of the Inn.  I must have looked like a lunatic, waddling across the wet grass in my bare feet, headed for the house.  But I made it there fast.  I was up the steps like a shot, down the hall, and pounding on the guest room door.

Nothing.

Then I heard Cate calling my name.  She was in the living room.  I ran down the hall to the front steps and galloped down them and found my Wife standing beside the couch, where Stephanie and Brendan were very innocently sitting together, fully clothed, watching TV.  Apparently they weren't tired so they decided to come back down after lights out and watch another movie.

What the Fuck?

Then all Hell broke loose.  Cate asked me what I was doing and I barked out that I had just fucking caught Jesse and Bridget out in the Shoe Inn together, half-naked and climbing all over each other.  Of course I didn't think about the fact that Steph was sitting right there.  As soon as I heard her shriek out "WHAT?" I knew it was bad.  

Holy Shit.  Steph jumped up and started some sort of high-pitched ranting about how she couldn't believe Bridget would do that because she likes so-and-so and Jesse is such a jerk and blah blah blah...  I could hardly make out half of what she was saying because her voice was so high only dogs could hear it and she was going on a mile a minute.

I wanted to duck for cover but realized I had just made a BIG fuck-up so I tried to calm her down.  Brendan was smart -- he just sat there on the couch and kept his mouth shut.

Then things got ten times worse... Jesse and Bridget came running into the room, having heard Steph's freak-out.  The minute Steph saw Bridget she wheeled around and started in on her, about how could she be such a two-faced tramp and make out with Jesse when she's dating some dude named... I don't know... Lake or something?  Pond?  River?  What the fuck ever.  Then Bridget started yelling and crying and Steph started crying and Jesse, being almost as stupid as his Old Man, stepped up to defend his little Girlie's honor.

BIG mistake.  He hardly had a sentence out of his mouth when Stephanie turned on him.  And it wasn't that squealy crying crap, either.  She gave him the fiercest glare I've ever seen -- I actually cowered -- and barked out "And YOU.  You Fucking Man-Slut!  You just WAIT until Mom hears about this.  And about you and Madison in her jacuzzi tub..."

Holy Shit was I stunned by that.  I was literally speechless.  I didn't know whether to yell at Steph for calling her brother a Slut (which is actually pretty accurate) or for saying "fuck" or to ask Jesse what he fuck she was talking about, Dorothea's jacuzzi, or to try to intervene and tell them both to shut the hell up.  One thing was for damned sure, I was finding about WAY more shit than I wanted to know.

But Bridget solved my little dilemma for me.  The minute she heard that part about this Madison girl and the jacuzzi tub she freaked.  She turned on Jesse in a split-second, screaming "MADISON?  You fucked MADISON?  You ASSHOLE!"  Then she turned around and ran out of the room.

Well, that did it.  Steph started crying even harder and ran for Cate.  Cate was caught completely off-guard and gave me this look of half-panic, but she put her good arm around Steph and hugged her and told her to calm down, breathe.  Like the idiots we are, Brendan and Jesse and I just stared at each other.

Finally Cate realized I was going to be absolutely no fucking help, so she took charge.  She told Jesse and Brendan to go to bed.  They practically ran up the stairs and into their rooms.  Then Cate ordered me to sit down on the couch.  I didn't say a word, just did what I was told.  

Cate got Steph calmed down a little, then told her to sit down too.  After she was settled Cate told us both that we weren't going to solve this tonight, what everybody needed was to go to bed.  She directed Stephanie to sleep in the lighthouse room and asked if she needed anything from her bedroom.  Steph wanted her stuffed bunny, the one I got her when she was a little girl.  So Cate said she'd get it.

I was directed to put Stephanie to bed, so I did.  Cate went up to Steph's room and went in.  I guess she talked to Bridget a little bit, then she got Steph's bunny and brought it to her.  Then she gave me the "Jesus Christ, think you've stirred up enough shit?" look and ordered me to go to bed.  I didn't argue.

So this morning's breakfast was just a barrel of laughs.  Steph and Bridget wouldn't even look at each other.  Steph kept glaring at Jesse, who kept trying to be nice to Bridget because obviously he's in deep shit with her now that she knows about this Madison chick.  And Brendan just kept giving me this helpless look like he wanted to crawl under the table and hide.

But he tried, God Bless him.  He was the only one of the crew who talked to everyone, tried to be extra nice.  And I felt it when Steph kicked him under the table when he was nice to Bridget.  Poor guy.

Okay, I admit it.  I like that kid.

So after everybody picked at their food a little Cate gave me a stern look, prodding me to get on with it.  She told me when we woke up this morning that this is my show, not hers.  I'm the blood parent.  Time to put on the Dad hat and figure this shit out.

Like I had any damned clue what to do.

But I tried.  I cleared my throat and told everybody to listen up.  I said we'd all had one helluva night, to which Jesse muttered "No Shit."  I told him to shut up and listen and Steph smirked.  Yeah, that started off well.

So then I said some shit about how all the kids aren't kids anymore, they're young adults, and that what had happened last night is something that's definitely a grown-up situation.  I added that I thought Steph and Bridget needed to talk and I hoped their friendship was more important than a disagreement about a guy, because guys are jerks.  And I looked right at Jess when I said it, ha ha.

As for Jess, I told him his mother and I would be speaking about what happened.  I didn't say anything about punishment because I didn't want to embarrass him in front of the others and because, quite frankly, I'm not real sure punishment is warranted.  I mean, yeah -- he snuck out to the Inn when I told everybody it was closed for the night, but I didn't actually forbid him to go out there.  And he was just doing what a horny teenage boy does... tries to find someplace to take his girl where he can get as far as possible into her pants without being bothered.

Too bad he's not too smart when it comes to that.  Jesus Christ, Kid -- LOCK THE DOOR.

And then I told Stephanie that I know she was upset last night, but she owed her brother an apology for calling him names.  She glared at me and I stared right back at her to let her know I was serious.  So you know what the little Smartass said?  "Jesse, I'm very sorry you're a Man-Slut."

Just like her Mother.  Christ, it was hard not to laugh.

Well, I had a lot more to say to both of my kids but I didn't think airing dirty family laundry in front of guests was appropriate.  So I just left it alone.  I told Brendan I was sorry he got dragged into this and I asked Bridget if she had anything to say.  She just shook her head and said "No, Sir.  I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused."

I like that kid too.  I hope she and Steph can patch things up.

I thanked her and told her it wasn't all her fault, but I commended her for taking responsibility for her actions. I caught a little smile and nod from my Wife at that.  Apparently I did good with that one.

So after a little more very uncomfortable lecturing I asked what the plans were for the day.  Stephanie said she just wanted to get out of here, to go home.  I know she wanted to get away from all this and go sob to Brendan for awhile, but I also know she wanted to get to Dorothea before Jesse did, so she could dime him out.  So that meant I had to call D this morning before Steph got home.  Dammit.  Another fucking thing on my list for the day.

With a lot of mumbling and grumbling we finally decided Brendan would drive Stephanie home and Cate and I would drive Jesse and Bridget.  While everybody got their stuff packed up I called Dorothea, who was less than amused by what happened.  But she wasn't completely blindsided about it either; apparently both Steph and Jess texted her in the wee hours of the morning to tell her there had been a big blowout.  She told me Jesse was my problem, but clearly we were all going to have to sit down and talk about this.

Great.

When I told Cate what Dorothea said she kinda smirked and volunteered to take Jake and Romeo out somewhere for a couple hours so D and I and the teenagers could have a sit-down.  Yeah, she just wanted to duck out on the drama, ha ha.  But I don't blame her, and she's right -- this is really something she shouldn't be in on.  She's already done her part.

By the time we finally got on our way it was almost noon.  I almost felt bad for Bridget and Jesse; they had to sit together in the back seat of the Chevelle.  She didn't say a word to him, but a couple times I saw a tear trickle down her cheek.  Poor Jess just looked miserable; he kept looking at Bridget like he wanted to apologize and beg her to give him another chance.  My heart went out to him, but in my head I chuckled.

The perils of being a Man-Slut.  Sooner or later the girls are gonna find out about each other.  And they always find out.  Trust me.

And when your sister finds out you've been banging her friends?  Good Luck, Buddy.  You're gonna need it.

So we dropped Bridget off first.  Gotta hand it to that girl, she was remarkably poised considering how embarrassed she must have been by this whole deal.  Then we headed for D's.  I could tell by the triumphant look Stephanie gave Jess when we walked in the door it was gonna be a long day.  She thought she had gotten to Momma first and she was really gonna stick it to her brother.

But I know D and she was playing it close to the vest.  She didn't let on that I had called or she'd already heard the whole story.  Nice try Stephie, but you have a few things to learn about your Mother.  She ain't stupid.  Not even close.

After I let the Chuckles climb on me for a few minutes -- gently, because my "tonsils" are still tender, ha ha, Cate told Jake and Romey to get their coats because she was taking them out for the afternoon.  The minute they heard that they totally forgot I was there, ha ha.  Figures.  Anyway, she got their shit together and took them off for hot dogs and a movie.  Then it was just Mom, Dad, and the two Teenagers.

So we sat down and started in.  Steph tried to jump in at the beginning but Dorothea told her to shut up and not say a word until I was done.  I told the whole story from my perspective (which of course D had already heard).  I felt bad for Jess when I described what I walked in on at the Inn, but I had warned him earlier there was no way I was gonna be able to keep that from his Mother.  I just hope he doesn't think this means I'm not keeping his other confidences.  He was clearly not happy.

When I was done Dorothea took over.  Thank God.  I was completely ready to just shut up and let somebody else deal with this crap.  And Damn, she's GOOD.   She didn't let Steph pull the "I'm the Good Girl" crap or let Jess off the hook for his lothario behavior.  She was blunt and straightforward without sounding bitchy or preachy.  And there was no doubt the kids got the message.  That's a skill I need to learn.

But she was not particularly happy to learn about Jesse's little escapade in her Jacuzzi tub.  Turns out this "Madison" girl is the one I caught with Jess at my apartment.  Apparently she's an adventurous young thing.  I wouldn't want to call her a slut... after all, she's somebody's daughter, but..... yeah.  Adventurous.  And she can't keep her mouth shut -- when Jess lost interest in her she told Steph the whole story, about how she and Jesse had been seeing each other on the sly, and all the freaky things they had done.

I'm betting Jess got quite an education with that girl.

And my Little Princess has been keeping all this to herself, a nice little piece of dirt to hold onto until she needed to use it against her brother.  Damn,  teenage girls are diabolical.  But I gotta admit, I'm a little impressed.  And proud.  Ain't nobody gonna pull any shit on my daughter, heh heh.  She's definitely got my Italian blood.  And apparently my temper, too.

Two rather intense hours later I was drained.  After all, I've been dealing with this shit since 3 am.  Dorothea took pity on me and sent me home, told me she had things covered and she'd call later.  We agreed to defer punishment for Jess, but she said she'd be damned sure he gets the message that his behavior vis-a-vis his many girls is pretty sleazy.  I have no doubt she'll get the point across, ha ha.  And probably better her than me.  I'm sure she knows my credibility in that area is... shall we say... limited.

So I went home and took a nap.

Cate got home around four, said she took the Chuckles to see Hop and then they went for ice cream.  She said Russell really enjoyed the movie and wishes he could poop jellybeans like the Easter Bunny, ha ha.  That's my Crazy Romeo.  Now he's probably gonna want a fucking rabbit.

She was worn out too, my poor Wife.  She's such a good sport, dealing with all this shit.  And for some reason she still wants to procreate with me.  God, I love her.

So we started talking about the week.  Cate reminded me she's cleared to go back to work, but I could tell from her expression and her voice she wasn't excited about that idea.  I saw my opening and I took it.  I told her we'd both been through a lot these last couple weeks and we deserved a little time to ourselves.  Then I said, "Hey Baby, why don't you grab your laptop and your big black briefcase, throw some panties in a bag, and let's go back out to the Jersey House for the week?"

She protested a little but she was smiling.  I knew I had her.  I pointed out she would telework from there as well as from here.  And she could come into the City for her physical therapy appointments; I could drive her or she could take the train.  She asked what I planned to do all week and I told her I was gonna goof around in the studio some, maybe help Obie out with a project he's doing.

A lazy week for both of us, a little break before going back to the grind.  She liked that idea.

So Cate and I gathered up our stuff, grabbed whatever we thought we'd need, and jumped back in the Chevelle.  We picked up dinner on the way and came home to a nice, quiet, drama-free big house.  And we have it all to ourselves, all week long.

It's pretty out tonight.  Watching the last light of day fade over the river.  Got my glass of wine and a nice cigar; Cate's coming out in a minute to join me.  She can curl up beside me here on the porch swing, under this nice soft blanket, and we'll just rock the evening away.

It's the simple things in life.  There's enough complicated bullshit... even the things you love, like Family, can be exhausting, difficult, frustrating.  Life's too short to spend it all wound up.

You gotta appreciate the little moments when you can.  Too soon they're gone.